Retroactive Reviews

Tonight I was on Youtube watching a show and when it ended, for some reason, on the home screen was my face.....from 2012. How did THAT get there??? I was sitting next to my roommate Michael and he scrolled over to put it on, me being mortified grabbed that remote and turned it right back off! I thought I had deleted that thing!! Well, turns out i just put it on private so while i'm the only one that has access to it, I guess so does everyone else that watches our TV. But I digress. 

When I was a senior in college, my last semester before graduating, I decided to make a documentary of my final semester. It's mainly boring, kinda sad, terrible camera work, and when I uploaded it to youtube it did this janky thing where it zooms in and out and shakes and moves around my little captions on the bottom.....the beginning is kinda hard to watch quite frankly. (Though you will never know!) It was 41 minutes long and not gonna lie, I was tearing up at the end! 

I have the memory of a goldfish. Not 5 minutes ago Lauren was texting me about a TV series, I told her I would have to google it.....apparently it is a TV series we watched and enjoyed. Oops. There are too many TV shows!! If I can't even remember last week how am I supposed to remember 2012!! Much less the regular mundane moments in my day. And then I watch my videos. Oh my gosh that was me?? I want to hug my little 21 year old self. I never think about her, really. Most of the time any memories I might have float away to never be thought about again. Not for any particular reason, but because why would you? 

Almost all of my videos on my youtube channel were uploaded around my college years. You know what was right next to my documentary? A 2013 year end review video. 7 minutes long. It is actually crazy to watch my 2012 video that ended right at my college graduation- so much hope and optimism and excitement of the unknown, followed by my next year - my first full year in LA. The contrast in the videos was astounding. If my 2012 self could watch that 2013 year end video she would've probably shed tears of joy. But this post isn't about that! Back to my bad memory. 

I ALSO hadn't probably thought of nearly all the things that happened in the 2013 video since....well, probably 2013. But it was fun to go back and remember those memories existed. One tiny little clip in that video showed a flying clock on a string, to which I narrated - 'Time really does fly when you think about it' I have blinked and now that video is TEN YEARS OLD. TEN. 

Now onto the post - lol. (jk. but actually) I know Facebook used to make those year end review videos for everyone around New Years and it was sweet but I mainly didn't want to jump on a bandwagon and do one for myself. Fair. Honestly, no one cares about your year in review, no offense. That being said - i'm doing years in review!!! lololol. I have so many memories I feel like are lost at sea and maybe it's time to go fishing and mount what I catch so I can go back and look at it every now and again. I know i'm going to lose the authenticity of the moment by going back and doing a year in review for 2014, but I hope I can somehow jump back into my 2014 mind and remember what was on my playlist, who I was. Life is such a rollercoaster man.  We have so many chapters (if we are lucky) and what a joy it is to go back and re-read some of those chapters, ride through some of those corkscrews and loops. I don't want to forget where i've been, where i set out to go, or how far i've come. Yes yes, you've gotta live life in the present, but if you can created a little time capsule for yourself to go back and watch in 10 years time, maybe you'll remember to be proud of not only your accomplishments but the whole journey along the way. I think it's just another way to honor this life we've been given. Now, here I go to get my waders but don't make fun, because these videos are for future me. 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

 Hello again, it has been about 3 months since i've last updated and I figured since i'm back to unemployed....what the heck else am I doin?! 

As you probably already know, the WGA (writers) and SAG (actors) are still on strike and that has made our industry come to a grinding halt.....after all, what can you film without writers and actors? (well, more on that to come!) The WGA has been on strike since May 1st and while my show still has nearly a month and a half left of filming for the season, we are all in limbo until these strikes are over. But today I didn't want to focus on the WGA or AMPTP or the strikes, most recently i've started to think of what the strike has given me instead of taken away. 

Because of the strike: we (Ray, Lauren and Amy) were FINALLY (after years of talking about it) able to do our Six Flags day (in the middle of a "work" day!). We were able to have a little longer trip to Austin to visit Kelly and Brian before they moved back to LA (more on that to come!). I was able to help Lauren with her garage construction project she was hired for. I was able to spend a week with my fam in Florida and meet my new nephew (!!). I was able to work on a reality show I normally NEVER would've worked on (more on that to come!). I was able to leave mid-week for a camping trip up north to celebrate my good friends birthday. I was able to learn and take up a new hobbie of pickleball. I've been able to spend so much time with my wife- hanging out, playing games, and just generally enjoying each others company. I was able to randomly fly to St.Louis for a day for the world's longest commute for a 1 day tech scout. I was able to help my friends move into a new apartment. I able to spend a week in St.Louis running around like a crazy person with my best friend filming 1 last week of said reality show. I was able to help my other best friends move into a house (welcome back to LA Kelly and Brian!!!) I've been able to make and have homemade thai tea at least half (if not/probably more) of the days the industry has been shut down. 

Thinking back now to all i've been up to since the strike started, it really does make me feel blessed. (Even though i'm broke, lol. But money comes and goes and the industry will pick back up again) One of the biggest things to happen during the strike was me working on The Boulet Brothers Dragula. Since this is a nonunion reality competition show, there are no writers or actors so the show could carry on! One of my best friends produced it and while we used to work together so much when I first got started, we never work together anymore and it was so so nice to finally be working with him again. As this was a drag competition show, you can imagine that the creators and everyone involved in producing this show are gay....or part of the LGBTQ+ community.  I never even considered how different it could be/how it could make you feel to work with a majority queer team and let me tell you, to be surrounded by my kin was nothing like i've ever experienced before. To all be able to understand our quirky jokes and language, it was comfortable, it felt right. Even though the budget was strained we were a scrappy little crew and we got the job done and i think this will be their best season yet! After spending so much time together and traveling to random places in the country, it really made me so fond of these people. I can't imagine my summer without our laughter, really! 

All of this to say- it really has been a pretty shitty season for everyone in the film industry. I know a lot of people struggling and it's hard. I hope and I pray that we can all get back to working on our normal shows soon. But until then, i'm going to try to keep focusing on the positive. Being thankful for all the extra time I get to spend with my friends and my wife. All the extra trash TV I normally wouldn't watch that now I binge on days with nothing on the calendar (come on Married At First Sight!) Tomorrow we'll pickleball and Thursday we'll learn how to line dance at a gay line dancing/2 stepping bar. Friday Lauren and I will go back to where it all started 6 years ago having dinner at Pa Ord Noodle. And after that, who knows (probably another season of Married At First Sight) but i'll focus on the rights instead of wrongs and we'll make it through this weird time. Who knows, maybe Crumbl cookies will finally hire me and the next time I write to you i'm a baker!!? 

Saint Ferdinand

I have made 133 blog posts on this website since 2011. 2011 I was a junior in college and I believe i mainly started this blog after having to start one for my third year writing class. Back in April when I rediscovered this here blog I had a great(?), interesting time going back and re-reading a lot of those blog entries. Boy did I have a lot to say (not really, haha). But it got me thinking....how the heck did I even come up with the ideas to write half the stuff I did!! For a small portion of time on this blog I would make posts about songs I was listening to at the time (it was fun going back and relistening to some of those blast from the past songs I had posted back in 2011.) Anyway, a new album came out recently that I have been listening to so I figured might as well bring the song posts back!! 

One artist that I am a fan of is Lauren Daigle. She is mainly a Christian artist but like others before her, she is dipping her toe into the secular world (to much disdain and criticism from the christian community of course- the least loving, accepting, and forgiving community i have ever seen. ...but back to Lauren!) Her voice has hints of Adele (who obviously I love and am obsessed with), Joss Stone, just a really soulful, beautiful voice. Her new album was released last month and it is self titled (though this is her third album) and is the most "her" album. 

My favourite song is entitled Saint Ferdinand. Not sure why I love it so much, but I keep just listening to it on repeat. I don't even know what (or who) Saint Ferdinand is to her, it makes me want to do a search to see if she has done an interview explaining what this song means to her and what Saint Ferdinand is. To me, this song really makes me feel/think about my relationship with (and mainly leaving) the church and experiencing life outside of it. I have spent a very very large chunk of my life in the church, to various levels, and seeing the good and the bad. Unfortunately, the bad just got worse and....sometimes, just for your own mental health, you have to walk away from something that is damaging you more than helping you. So to me, Saint Ferdinand is my journey in Los Angeles. 

Please take a listen and the video i'm posting is the lyric video so i'll leave those out of the post this time. I think I just want to highlight maybe a few lyrics to explain a little more why I feel the way I do about the song. (Other than maybe the obvious) 

'These streets may not look pretty but I see angels walking in the city' 

    -When I hear these lyrics, I think of the bad reputation Los Angeles (or even the secular world) has. Even just physically, LA can be a gross dirty place. But I have found so many good, genuine people out here. Literally angels in my life. The very community that the world (ok fine, republican conservatives mainly) keeps attacking have shown me so much love and joy and community and family that although they keep getting a bad rap and los angeles may be portrayed some sort of way, it is still filled with angels. 

'Maybe I loved you more than you loved me. Maybe life's got a way of bringing you to your knees'

    

    -Still again my relationship with the church. I loved it so much. I attended, i served. I gave it everything I had. They didn't love me back. Maybe too much noise from the Trump christians is all I heard, but that was enough. While I do feel the tides are s l o w l y changing with acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, it isn't there and frankly, I don't really feel comfortable in church anymore after repeatedly hearing what they have to say about it. They done did break me and that is their fault. 

'Saint Ferdinand my wonderland wild and strange where vagabonds play. Saint Ferdinand not what I planned for my fate but i'm gonna stay'

    -If you would've told me when I was younger that I would be living in Los Angeles I would've been like.....'huh? Say what? Really?' I don't really even know what I envisioned for my older self when I was younger, but I can tell you I wouldn't bet that this is how my relationship with the christian community would go. This other community that i've found- wild and strange full of vagabonds, they ARE  my community. They love me better. They love me the best. 

I hope everyone was able to listen and love this song, even for not the same reason that I love it. And that's what makes music so great, it can make us all feel different things in different ways. I didn't really intend to go where I went when I started this post, and I guess I should apologize as I do know I still have a lot of people in my life in the church, but I just had to share my experience and maybe it can help you in your own christian journey being a little more understanding and welcoming to those outside of it. Most of the soap box i've been on is a post for another day, but I did want to add before ending this post that while my feelings toward the church and christians have soured, my faith and relationship with Christ is something I still hold dear and find comfort in. My hope is that one day (probably after i'm gone, if ever) we can all hold each other dear and love and respect each other even with our differences. Until then, Saint Ferdinand. 
 

After The Rain The Sun Always Shines

 Not gonna lie, the past month or so has been a little hard for me. As I mentioned in my last post I have been unemployed. ....to be frank, I have been unemployed more than I have been employed this year. The TV show that I had been working on shut down on multiple occasions and the most recent shut down has lasted 2 months. It just came at a very unfortunate time as all the union's contracts are set to expire so contract negotiations are happening and the studios have basically slowed down (or stopped) making any new content until these negotiations are settled, so the industry is very slow at the moment. Funnily enough, my show finally starts back up next week....just in time for the writers to go on strike. 🤣 (The WGA (Writers Guild) has until May 1st to settle a new contract with AMPTP (Producers) and if they do not settle on a new contract, the WGA has voted to go on strike which would shut the whole industry down until they come to terms.) 

And now that you are up on all the latests Hollywood news....back to me, haha. To be honest, for the past little while I have actually toyed with the idea of finding a job outside of the film industry. The hours sometimes on set make the thought of working even 12 hours a day a dream. But this time away from set and searching job board after job board looking for another career made me realize....what the heck else can I do? haha. It's HARD having a career change. And certainly takes work. Plus i'm lazy! And I will admit....while being a DGA member can be brutal sometimes (with hours and whatnot) you DO get paid for it so it's really a hard industry to look out of, especially comparing rates and such, haha. 

As i've been spending so much time on my computer looking for other work and job opportunities, all of my closest friends have been traveling around Japan. As many of you know, I love to travel and take pride in my country count. Back in the old days I would be finishing an international trip and planning my next one! Japan has always been near the top of my 'Countries to Visit Soon' list so the fact that I couldn't join them was just a bummer. And the worst part was, I actually had the time. I'm not working. But I guess that in and of itself is the problem. Can't pay for a trip if you don't have a job! I know this post is a lot about 'woe is me' but I found this website again and I said I would start updating more and, like I said I have the time so this is the only content I have at the moment. 

That being said, in my extra spare time i've had, I've really started to notice and enjoy the flowers that have started to bloom all around town. There are literally small flowers mixed in the grass, coming out of the bushes, they are everywhere! It honestly brings the 'April showers bring May flowers' to life. And i'd like to think that nature parallels life and I know my flowers will soon be in bloom. I'm not sure how much you know about weather in LA, but this season it has been RAINY. Like, rainy and cold like no other. So much of california has been in a drought for AGES and after the amount of rain we have seen, much of the state is finally out of their warnings. And you know what? The state has never been more beautiful. I've always said that LA looks its most beautiful after a rain. The brown hills for a moment turn green. The rain washes the smog away and we can breathe again. It really is when LA is at its finest. So here we are now after a season full of rain and now we get to be surrounded by flowers in bloom, green foothills, and the sight of snow still covering the mountains in the distance. 

Maybe these last few months have been a little rainy for me. The sun hasn't always shown and i've had to sit under the ominous clouds wondering what I could do when the sun wasn't out. And that's about all I could do really, just enjoy the rain as much as I can until the sun shines again. Like I said I finally start back on my show on Monday and at least i'll get a solid week's worth of work in, and that is much needed. Last year I never would have thought I would be so excited for a week of work, but life really runs in cycles doesn't it. The looming writers strike doesn't quite emote a sunny forecast ahead, but like they say - after the rain, the sun always shines. Maybe this rain will bring the biggest bloom yet. 

Hello Again

 Holy Cow. I COMPLETELY forgot this website/blog ever existed and during my current unemployment, one thing led to another and here we are!! 

To be honest what brought me back here (other than unemployed despair) was my seeking of an old document I started years ago (but somehow after my latest post on here, which leads me to believe I had already forgotten about this website then) which I started just in case I felt the need, IN ALL OF MY WISDOM, to start a book, lol. I mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn but there is some good stuff in there! Anyway, it led me to my (also forgotten) old tumblr which led me here! I will admit i've gone through and read some of my old posts and what a journey, haha! (Still can't believe this thing dates back to 2011) 

Now you may be thinking (you aren't), Amy, go back real quick to that part about you writing a book. Way back when (maybe 2018??) I thought I had some insightful things to say so I started a little document titled, 'a book' you know, just in case. But what I realized is most of the things I had written down in there were more like a journal entry.....unsurprisingly, like this exact platform I am writing to you now. It's like I forgot this website existed and my soul knew I still needed some form of escape from my brain so I started that doc not even remembering I had already started this platform AGES ago! The crazy thing is, earlier this morning I was over there writing in this what I had newly titled a 'journal' instead of 'book'. I do think some of those entries still might be a little too personal, or embarrassing, or raw, but maybe down the line i'll transfer that 'book' over here to this blog so those words won't go to waste. 

Because i'm Me, I do believe everything happens for a reason and I think I was meant to stumble upon this blog again. It has actually been so crazy to go back and re-read some of the posts i've made and i'm pretty happy with my younger self for going on this little literary journey. In this current age where the only thing you present to this world is a picture that goes away after 24 hours, or if they are really important ones pictures that you post forever or a sentence on FB or 140 characters on twitter, but sometimes that isn't enough to release the thoughts swirling in your head. I went back and looked at the subtitle on this blog- A glimpse inside the happenings in my head. Apparently I had so much to say when I was younger. 77 posts in 2011, 27 posts in 2012, 17 in 2013 and so on. Less and less posts as the years go by. I'd like to think it's because I was getting smarter and there were less ominous things happening in my head, and supposedly i'm a grown up now and we don't overshare, especially on the internet. But I think i'm going to challenge myself to start writing on this blog again. I doubt anyone will read it, but if nothing else and I forget again in a years time that this space exists, I can see what I had to say in April of 2023. 

I think I MAY even just start this next chapter of blogging by going back and sharing my very first 'book' entry from my "not a blog blog post" haha. The thing I am kind of longing for a little bit in this....i'm not gonna call it an experiment...my re-introduction to blogging, is- do y'all remember or did you ever have Xanga? Man that was the SITE when I was in highschool. Honestly, it served us well I think. The thing I loved about it was that is wasn't just a blogging website, everyone had their own and were constantly commenting on each others blog entries and it was a little community. You were able to REALLY KNOW how people were and how their week was, not just by knowing what they were up to by seeing one picture they posted with emoji's as the caption. oooh but that was a different time. And now i'm rambling, but for no one in particular because like I said, (did I even say this?) we are ADULTS now so we are way too busy to be reading rambling blog posts anymore, that was for high school, haha. 

I digress. I'll wrap this up so I can go jump into year 2011 and see what young 21 year old me had to say. Should I post these to Facebook? Will anyone read them? Does anyone care? Do *I* care? I'm just gonna be over here writing things until someone in the film industry decides to work again.....

2016, what a year

2016- 

Some would say it hasn't been a great year, and in many aspects, it was pretty bad; but in SOME it was awesome. Let me tell you why, in spite of all of the bad things that happened, why it was also such a great year to look back on: 

-I rung in my New Year on a train from Chicago to Portland. I got to finally see Crater Lake, drive the Columbia River Gorge and the Oregon Coast, and meet some great people all along the way. 

-I was introduced to the restaurant The Pan. 

-I got to run base camp again for the second season of Casual and work with great people that I’ve come to adore. 

-I finally saw the Book of Mormon with my roommates

-I got another tattoo.

-I got to go to Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Italy, Slovenia, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, and Sweden with my best friends and it was the trip of a lifetime. 

-Thomas went to a Missy Higgins concert with me

-After 4 years of living in LA I finally went to Santa Barbara. 

-I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity and helped build a house

-Finally went to Knotts Berry Farm for the first time. 

-I got to run base camp again for my all time favorite show Superstore. Friendships were made,  friendships were grown, laughter was had, television was made. 

-I got to see Adele live and in concert 3 times. THREE TIMES. What a dream. I am so lucky. 

-I took a road trip in Northern California to see the Redwoods and drive the Avenue of the Giants. They were beautiful. 

-I took a 24 hour speed trip through New York City. What a great city.

-Finally ate a Philly Cheese Steak in Philly. 

-Visited Baltimore and got to hang out with my cousins, Kaycee and Hannah. 

-I got accepted to join the DGA and am on the third area and commercial qualification list.

-I was the 1st AD for my first two AD projects that counted towards my AD days. (And 1st AD’d for the first time)

-Me and the roommates finally redecorated our living room by getting rid of 2 couches, 2 chairs, a bar with 2 bar stools, and got a brand new sectional couch, an entertainment unit, another unit for our kitchen, and mounted our tv. It’s like a whole new place! 

-I did an escape room with some friends and co-workers. We were so close to making it out alive. So close. But, we ended up being gassed by our captive. What a fun afternoon. 

-I got to go home for Thanksgiving for the first time in at least a few years. 

-I went to Iceland and explored ice caves, glaciers, waterfalls, and black sand beaches. 

-I finally saw the Northern lights. 

-Got to spend another Christmas surrounded by my family who were all healthy and alive. I love them all very much. 

Wowee. Can you even imagine someone saying 2016 wasn’t a great year? So many firsts, even some seconds. It was a blast. I am so lucky to live the life I do. I love almost every minute. AND I didn’t even mention all the TV that I watch! So many great shows this year too! ;) As I start thinking about 2017 and what all it has to offer, I encourage anyone reading this to make 2017 their best year yet, as I will try to strive for that as well. And here is how: do what makes you happy. Do what makes you laugh. Travel more. Be kind more. Be compassionate more. Volunteer more. Hang out with your friends more. Hang out with yourself more. Do something that will challenge you. Do something that will make you uncomfortable. Make a new friend. Talk to strangers. Challenge your beliefs and why you believe them. Spend a whole day on your couch binge watching a tv show. Live the life you’ve always dreamed and don’t let anything stop you. 2017 is going to be a great year, it has big shoes to fill. 


addendum: I wrote this on a plane before Iceland. I am so glad I didn't have to go back and take out that I saw the Northern Lights. God bless. 

Navigating Life

I wrote this on November 12th, the weekend after the election. I never posted it, obviously. I wrote it for myself mainly, so I could get all of that out, and I honestly think it really did help. Time has passed and I guess it seems silly to post it now, it all seems so far in the past and the feelings and things I and we have gotten over, but I also don't want to forget it. The feelings that made people act and not be complacent with life or the country, so that's why i'm posting it now instead of letting it sit in my draft folder for all of eternity. Maybe just maybe I'll come back on here one day and realize it was the best thing that could've happened. Maybe the world will fall apart and I can see where it all started.

______________________________________________________________________________

I've been having a lot of feelings recently and i'm not sure the best way to go about them. This week has been brutal. Today is my first day off in 13 days and honestly, with that paired with the election, it made for the most looked forward to weekend in while. So here I am, finally made it to the weekend, a time that I can rest and try to get over the happenings of the week, but they are still stuck on me. I can't escape the gloomyness of the election. Every time I go on any sort of social media it's all I see. It's all I could think about driving too and from work this week. I know everyone is tired of hearing about the election and the results and people's opinions on them, but i'm just hoping if I write this stuff down it'll help. This post is more for me than anyone else.

The truth is, I don't know how to see Trump supporters the same. I can't quite muster up the grace to even call my family. MY FAMILY. This is heartbreaking for me. I love them. But I am still not over it yet. I think I just need time. Or maybe I still haven't caught up on all my sleep, as I type this with tears starting to form in my eyes. I cried on my way to work both Wednesday and Thursday morning. Was I just so tired? Wednesday at work was the worst. I got there and was scared to even greet some people, knowing the outcome of the election. It is very real for a lot of people. Within 3 seconds of saying good morning to one of our actors that morning tears swelled up in her eyes and you could feel the heartbreak. The day didn't get much better from there. The over all tone/feel on set was....not good. Everyone was defeated and sad and sometimes it was hard to locate a smile unless we were rolling. Our caterer telling another guy how his 6 year old daughter is already under the impression Trump will kick them out of the country. Stories already emerging that day of truly racist actions coming out of schools. Kids making jokes about kicking fellow students out of school and out of the country. Swastika's being spray painted all over buildings or fences. Me having to wait another 30 minutes after we wrapped to sign someone out because they were crying. Because this election wasn't just about economic or health care policies, but about basic human rights that were threatened to be taken away.

I never cried because Trump is going to be our next President. My tears were for the state of this country. The heartbreak of so many. The one's who feel like their lives don't matter and their feelings, and quite frankly their human rights, were invalidated. My tears were because I don't know how to face some of the people I love. How can I be surrounded by people who turn a blind eye to all of the hateful, sexist, racist, things being done in Donald Trumps name? The unrest that is happening in this country, it's because of the hurtful things Trump has said about minorities and giving it a voice and a spreading ground for the sexist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic people that live here. Are all Trump supporters racist? Of course not. No no no. But I think it does show that it is easy for you to turn a blind eye on his sexual assault, gross sexism, the racism that clearly has been brought up, brought to light and not been condemned by him or his circle.  How does that not matter to you?

But, this is life and this is reality. In spite of it all people are rising up and making their voices heard. People are standing up for the injustice's of others and that is encouraging. People are standing up for the minorities that Trump is threatening and I can find that encouraging. This country can still rally together to do what is good, what is right, no matter who the President is. We can make this country even greatER when we realize it is not the president that shapes a nation, but the people in it that do. I think it's time. It's time we as a people decide what is important and shape the country that way instead of letting politics shape it for us. Here's to 2017.