Know that you can then you will, get to the top of the hill

I remember the first time I ever heard this song. I was actually in Canada this summer...I think in some restaurant and of course I got so excited because I could've sworn it was Shania Twain. Turns out, it was and when I got a chance to actually listen to all the lyrics, I liked it even more. Every time I heard this song I would remind myself that I wanted to feature this on my blog here...and today is the day. There have been (many) times throughout the past couple months when I've felt scared, defeated, and uncertain about my future...today was one of those days. Every time I hear this song, it makes me feel better and encourages me to not get down and keep plugging away. Fortunately, this song came up on my walk back from class, and I think it was just a sign...or a great reminder, if you will, that things in life are gonna be hard, but if you have something you wanna do, go out and do it!!

I messaged one of the production assistants from The Hunger Games a couple days ago, asking how he got his start in the business and any advice, and then I e-mailed the script supervisor as well. Turns out...today really is my day. I woke up to a reply from the script supervisor who had a lot of helpful things to say and told me to keep in touch monthly. I just got back from my last class and I get an e-mailing saying I got a message back on that film page where I messaged that production assistant...he responded that he would love to talk to me and might even be able to get me a job and to call him. Well, I just got off the phone with him and he seemed nice and eager to talk on the phone, however he was still on set and I told him he could call me back at his convenience (he said he would be on set for another 4 hours or so.) So anyway, although out of nowhere today I kinda got this huge "oh great, nothing is going to work out" feeling, I am encouraged after just once phone call...where nothing even really happened. So from now on, if I ever start to feel defeated again (which I know will happen a lot sooner than later) I will just turn this song on and remember that things do turn around. Don't quit. Part of the fun IS the climb. This is one rather untraditional path i've wanted to follow, so i'm gonna just gonna go out there and give it all I got. Do the best I can and have fun doing it.



You got what it takes you can win,
Today is your day to begin.
Don't give up here, don't you quit.
The moment is now, this is it
Know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind

That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way
Today (you can do it)
Today (c'mon c'mon)
Today (c'mon do it)
Today

When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you're down

But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way
Today (c'mon do it now)
Today
Today
Today

mmmm life's gonna kick you, its gonna kick you around, its gonna kick you down

Brush yourself off no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best (give it your best)

Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way

Today
Today ( I said today is your day)
Today
Today
I said today
Today
Today is your day mmmmm

Movie Sets, COBA KATs and Realizations

This is one blog post that i've wanted to write since the day I got back from my first day of shooting the movie i'm helping with. Time wasn't in my favor, spring break intervened, but tonight after taking the coba kat, it reminded me of how much I now truly despise business and would love to be elsewhere...like back on set.

My first day on set was a week from last Saturday...so the third. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect since I hadn't really been on a movie set before, but I was very excited to find out. We have now already finished our second weekend of shooting and thankfully the experience hasn't let me down or not met up to my expectations...or hopeful expectations at least. Anyway, some of you might be wondering what it is that I exactly do on set, well I will tell you. My official title is PA, production assistant. I guess it really varies on which production and who you are working for as to what you do, but basically, whatever anyone on production needs you to do. I will start off with day one and kind of just run through some of my tasks as of yet: making sure props are on set and with the correct actors, for 2 of the 3 locations we were shooting in the first day I had to jump in as an extra, make sure the actors are either on set or notified to be on set, being an actor stand in while the cameras are setting up the scene with camera placement and lighting, in charge of the slate ((See picture above) I keep track of which scene/take we are doing and writing it on the little board that I hold in front of the camera before the scene is shot), holding up the lighting board for outside scenes (to reflect more sunlight on the actors for better lighting), and just whatever anyone else needs in general. I know this might sound like an odd job aspiration for some people, but I am honestly loving it. (And when I say job aspiration, this would just be entry level, post-graduation, most feasible job i'm looking for.) It's true there are long hours and the long running joke on film sets is "ready, set, wait" since there is a lot of sitting around and waiting, but I really don't mind. To be honest I quite like the long hours. I know it is mainly because of the company I keep during these long hours, so I am fortunate I like everyone else helping out with the movie. Both the crew and the cast have great attitudes and work ethics and we actually have been working ahead of schedule most days, which is always nice. I really hate to go back to Glee here because i'm sure you are sick of me mentioning it, but it just popped in my head. On the pilot episode Rachel told/asked her teacher, "Being part of something special making you special, right?" And I kind of feel that. I like the feeling again of being part of a team, working with other people to produce this project that we can be proud of, that we know took time and attention, but together we made it happen. I think I will always remember one day after lunch I was sitting in the classroom and Tommy, the director of photography, and Eric, the other camera guy walked out of the room and I was still just sitting at the table listening in on another conversation and Tommy asks if I was coming...I didn't know that he wanted me to, and he said yeah, we're a team now! So Tommy, Eric and I went outside to set up the scene and it is just little things like that that make me want to do this so badly. After that first weekend I knew for sure that this was what I wanted to do. Leaving set, although yeah, I was a little tired, but I was happy. I had a day full of laughing, feeling somewhat productive, being a part of creating this movie, and just hanging out with fun people. I actually couldn't believe some people did this for a living. Now, I know you can't really make a living off being a PA because since they are at the bottom of the totem poll on any film set, they don't get paid great, but i'm ok with that and I am also ok with getting by with very little and even picking up a part-time job to keep it going. Well, I was going to mention the COBA KAT tonight and my business classes and how I honestly could care less, but given the fact of what I have just written about my experience on set so far, I guess it all could go without saying. I know this whole business thing has been something I've been feeling for a while now, so it is not new, but it just makes me more and more thankful with every class and test I take that I was able to find and latch onto something that I truly care and am passionate about. Whenever I had to sit through those finance, marketing, and now strategic management classes almost all I could really think about was, I honestly didn't care. I had/have no interest in finance and I don't think I could even tell you what in the world was on that COBA KAT I just took. I can't. I just can't get into business. But what I can is film, and i'm so glad it finally made its way to me. I can't wait again still filming again on Saturday, but then again, the sooner and more we film the sooner it will be done! ...hmm, maybe someone is making something in April I can out with! :)

Fix Me Jesus

I just recently saw the movie Joyful Noise. It was pretty much the protestant version of Sister Act. Seeing as my favorite movies (Sister Act 2, Sister Act) and one of my favorite tv shows (Glee) are choir based, i figured I might like it. (Also because it stars Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah and honestly, who in the world doesn't like them?) So anyway, I saw it Friday night and not surprisingly, I loved it. I loved pretty much all the songs they sang, but I thought this song was particularly beautiful...and especially with Ms. Latifah's vocals. It is such a simple lyric, but a powerful one that I can connect to. Fix me Jesus, fix me.



Fix me Jesus, fix me
Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Fix me for my home on high
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for the by and by
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Fix me for my starry crown
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for a higher ground
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
(Fix me Jesus)
Oh fix me

Well this road i'm on's gonna turn to sand...

I really like Peter Bradley Adams. There is another song of his that I want to post, but I think this is a safer choice; maybe i'll post his other one one of these days. Anyway, there are a few that are just so relatable, like this one for example. It's called The Longer I Run, and i'll just let the song do the talking, you don't need an explanation.

When that blood runs warm with the warm red wine
I miss the life that I left behind
And when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry
I know I left in the nick of time

Well this road I'm on's gonna turn to sand
And leave me lost in a far-off land
So let me ride the wind 'till I don't look back
And forget the life that I almost had

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man that I used to be
But if my saviour comes could you let him know
I've gone away for to save my soul

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

losing again

the longer I run

losing again

losing again

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

I used to use this blog to post different songs that I had been enjoying that day, week, month, whichever, however I haven't done that yet this school year, but I would like to get back to doing that. I bought this song a few weeks ago because I enjoyed it a lot and I just recently purchased the rest of her album and it is great. The artist I am talking about is Florence and the Machine and the song, "Shake It Out' I really enjoy this song and have been wanting to make a blog post about it ever since I heard it. So here it is, one of my current favorite songs:



Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

*favorite lyrics are in italics and bold ;)

How Fickle My Heart and How Woozy My Eyes

This is a blog post I meant to write about a couple weeks ago...at the peak of my depression/confusion about my future. As the theme with just about all my updates, this too has to do with post-graduation plans, but now probably more relevant than ever. My very last semester is officially underway, I literally only have 3 months of school left, and everything that comes with that came down on me like a pile of bricks a couple weeks ago. Yes, my future is always something that is in the forefront of my mind, but it hit in almost a whole new and different way a few days ago. Maybe it is just who I am, have a fickle heart, get bored easily or something, but my change of career options over the past year has officially caught up to me. I came to Nashville wanting to work in the music business and here I am 2 and a half years later and my mind has completely changed...and it terrifies me sometimes. After 3 semester's of interning in the music business, I finally made up my mind that it really wasn't what I had imagined it to be. I have invested so much of my time and (my parents/my) money into this thing, that I really didn't want to believe what was happening. Maybe I just had a bad experience interning and I shouldn't let it throw me off, but I think it did. Everyone I know that has a preference of where I should live all think I should stay in Nashville (if going back to Ocala wasn't an option) but when trying to digest all this, I came to the conclusion that I really don't want to work in the music business...not really.

The clarity that come over me about this subject the other day was almost rather frightening. Maybe it is because of this whole new side of the entertainment industry that I am being introduced to that intrigues me so much, but my interest is almost completely gone in working in the music business. Everyone thinks I should still stay in Nashville, but when I think about it I am at a complete loss as to what to do here. Nashville is a music town, and that is what I love about it. I love this city, I really do, and I have made numerous, wonderful memories here that I will cherish, but I honestly am not sure what I would do if I stayed here. I'm sure it's my fault and something is wrong with me and my constant want to be traveling or exploring and me trying to find my place, but I am terribly sorry to feel that my time in Nashville may just be up. As much as I love and adore this town, there is something inside of me that is just telling me it is time to move on. As much as I feel at home here and think it is perfect and beautiful, there is still something that feels missing when I am here...something that I have yet to find. I know I could stay here upon graduation and be relatively happy, but there is something in me telling me to go. I can't explain it and it almost makes me sad. It makes me sad because the place I am feeling drawn to is where I feel I need to start my next journey, but it isn't where anyone I know wants me. And of course this place I am talking about is California.

It seems the only person in my family that really supports the idea of me moving to sunny ole LA is Thomas, and I can't blame them. I'm not a big fan of me moving that far away from my family either, but there is just SOMETHING inside me that keeps me searching online for info about jobs and housing there more times than not. It is every time after watching a tv show or movie and thinking "I want to be a part of that. I don't know how and i don't know what, but I just want to." All my life i've been enthralled with tv and movie's more than the average...human. I've always loved film and being behind the camera. I remember once I had my drivers license and an operating camera, one of the first things I did (once we were both allowed) was I picked up Hannah and went on a photo spree at Shalom park. I was just getting into photography and I loved it. Once I got my own laptop and discovered Microsoft Movie Maker I wanted to take more pictures of all the trips I would go on just so I could make movie's out of the pictures I took. I made videos of romania trips, mountain trips, holidays, pictures of taylor swift and her life story and a montage of photo's for my mom for thanksgiving. One of my favorite things to do was just sit in my room and edit the pictures into film. I've always known I loved being behind a camera and this just continued with my love for photography and I carried it along with me to Nashville.

So now here I am the final semester of college and my perceptions have been altered. After a brief stint in wanting to do the music business thing, I just can't picture myself wanting to do anything other than being involved with film in some way. I love music, don't get me wrong, but there is just something about knowing there is a possibility that I could be a part of the creative side of film and bringing a show or movie to life for people that really excites me. Yes, I care WAY too much about most tv shows and that is not normal, but I get invested in these shows and I love them. There is a closeness that crew members can get to film that music business people i'm not sure get to have with the music they are promoting, or marketing, or pitching. With film, you get to be a part of the process. Watching it being made, helping. Not like in the music business where anything and everything you do has the purpose of money behind it. Yes tv shows and films are made to be profitable, but if you are part of the creating of the film, that is not something you have to be exposed to like if you are working in the music business, and that is something I think that draws me to film over music.

I thought I wanted to work in the music business because I am obsessed with music, and I mean obsessed. I believe there is such power in music and that it can speak for us and bring out emotions and feelings that we could never put into words or say ourselves. I'm not sure many things will be able to effect me on the level that music has. That was the reason I wanted to get into the music business. I knew music's power and importance in my life and our world, but music and the music business are completely different things; this is the thing i've learned. Although I still believe all these things to be true, I also feel my place with music might just be better as a consumer and music lover...not as someone who see's music as money and trying to figure out ways to make people pay for the stuff and having artists shape their image into someone that is marketable. I honestly don't really care about that stuff. What I really loved was the music itself. What I really wanted was to be a part of creating something that people can enjoy to escape reality for a minute. Once I took a minute to evaluate what I really wanted to do, I noticed it wasn't really in the music business at all but maybe back with what I originally envisioned myself possibly doing...working in film.

So I know this now has become a short novel, but I write this mainly for clarification for myself. My head has not been such a fun place to be these past couple weeks with trying to figure out what exactly I want/need to do with my life after graduating, and I just needed a place to sort it out. I don't really share all too much what happens in my head with people of the outside world, so I needed somewhere to get this out. Not only to get it out but also help me figure out what exactly I was feeling and why. Trying to find the right words and feelings that I would be able to share with people that asked what I wanted to do, and why in the world I had changed my mind and why I couldn't do that in Nashville anymore; but I think after writing this novel I have figured it out. I know nothing is ever easy and actually the ONLY THING I have heard from people and read have been that what I really want to do will be hard, and is idiotic, and maybe even not what it is fantasized to be, but I guess I still foolishly believe that is where I want to be and what I want to be doing. All that being said, I have been writing this for a very long time...it is now 1:45am (not even sure when I started writing this, i'm sure over an hour ago) and I have my first strategic management test tomorrow. (Great timing on my writing this novel, i know, right? haha) So I guess I should probably finish studying for that. Anyway, in all  honesty I do not expect anyone to have read this or read this far because it was really for my own sanity, but if you have, I thank you for sticking with me and hearing me out. I hope that if you can't understand you at least see a little more where i'm coming from. (Although I really hope you feel me.) Anyway, thanks again.

2012 Is Upon Us

Boy oh boy, it is already 2012. My final semester of college. Kinda scary but kinda exciting! In just 4 short months everything I have been working for since...well, I guess K-3, will finally all be over with. I will walk across the graduation stage, get my diploma, and be forced into the real world to get a full time job and start trying to support myself for the rest of my life. It is an exhilarating, terrifying, thrilling, scary thought. My whole life I have been given the job of a student (among other things and part time jobs) but my main responsibility was to go to class and do well in school. This comes with a sense of security in knowing exactly what you're doing and knowing what is expected of you, but again, it is what you have to do and you are tied to it. So when you graduate, although now you don't have a default "job" of being a student, you are now free from anything really. You don't have to worry about writing papers, studying for tests or working out a schedule with employers around your classes.  You are free. Free to do what you want and when you want. (This is not entirely true seeing as I would love to do a lot of things, but am restricted in the fact that doing almost anything costs money.) But after graduation is a crazy time in one's life (I would imagine and will soon find out.) Everything you've always known is suddenly done and you have the world before you; it is trying to figure out what to do with it that is the scary part. Actually taking those chances, following your dreams, feeling disappointment and fear, walking blindly into the unknown, knowing things are going to be hard, confusing, difficult, and sad but doing them anyway because sometimes there are things that you just have to do but will feel better after they are done, even if it is hard at the time. So here is to enjoying my last semester. My last semester of certainty, of schooling, test taking and group papers/presentations, my last semester of being tied to an obligation that requires time and location. Because come May, it will all be over and done, with the world before me. I have absolutely no idea what 2012 has in store for me (at least starting in May) but I hope whatever it is I am happy, love what i'm doing,  and making great memories.