And i'm not letting it bury me anymore... (Bring the beat in)

Ok. Been debating writing this blog for quite some time now. Still not decided if I want to post the link to it on Facebook where a couple people might actually read it or just wait it out since i'm sure not many people would read it unless I post it on Facebook. (see how i'm already avoiding the main topic?) But people say they don't want to talk about important things over the internet or how we shouldn't document our personal lives on the computer....except the thing is, that is kinda exactly what this blog is about. And to be honest, a lot of people wouldn't know much about me or what i'm up to if it wasn't for the internet. And this is my space and this is where i've gone to sort through thoughts and a place I would go on a lonely night. Its been here and is almost like a little diary for me sometimes. A diary that I happen to put on the internet and crazily offer people to read. I figured since I let you into my mind (as the smaller header indicates, haha) it wouldn't be honest if I didn't share a part that has influenced this blog.

At my age and even at the start of college, or better yet high school...heck, we can take it back to middle school and even preschool, people are always asking about boyfriends or if there is anyone you (proverbial) like or are talking to. It is just something that our society and culture is interested in I guess. Or maybe it is just a good conversation filler, I don't know. But these questions are always more frequent around my age....and when everyone you know is getting engaged or having babies. Luckily for me, I guess people have stopped trying....or maybe they thought they would know already since I post way too much on facebook, haha. I normally try not to discuss my singleness because then it becomes awkward and people are assuring me how great I am and of course I will find someone some day. Well, you know, I know i'm awesome. I think I would be a great girlfriend. (Depending on your definition of fun) I am a fun person and would like to make myself think I can make people laugh on occasion. But the thing is, you really don't want me to be dating someone. I've seen it on Facebook, I hear it when you talk, you've flat out told me it would be better not to and I can see it in the voting polls. You may be thinking to yourself, 'i've never said anything of the sort!' buuut, there is one thing you may not know, and that is if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a guy. I'm not attracted to them, never really have been. And you can make excuses and people have told me I haven't found the right guy yet, but you're just fooling yourself. I can't make myself magically become attracted to a guy as much as I can't magically make you become attracted to a girl...or a guy, whichever gender you may happen to be. We can't choose the people we like, and trust me my life would be so much easier if I could, because I still have no idea why anyone would want to choose to be gay....just look at the number of gay teen suicides and the amount of bullying, hate, and disgust they receive. People look down on you and choose not to acknowledge your relationships and treat them as inferior. In only 9 of 50 states are gays given the same rights. And it isn't just about the term 'marriage' but the fact that there are a number of legal and financial rights and benefits given to only married couples.

Alright, alright, this update wasn't to discuss the plight of gay people, so I apologize, if anyone is still reading at this point. I knowI have already told a handful of people and if you have really read a few of my other posts you may not be tooo surprised....or maybe you just didn't catch on and you are....and if so, I am sorry. I kind of thought that maybe this whole situation had just gotten to the 'don't ask don't tell' point because really, I mean really, you are reading this now so you surely have read some of my other posts and Facebook. Regardless, after telling some people I have honestly felt much better. I felt like there was this huge thing that was always weighing me down and the more I got it out, the easier it was. It is who I am and after tears, after confusion, after prayer, after being mad at God, after acceptance and after everything, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking i'm someone that i'm not. I don't want people to assume that one day I am gonna come home with a boyfriend or that I will get married one day. So when I make posts saying I will never get married or get engaged, this is why. As much as I wish I was joking and being dramatic, i'm really not. So I guess this is the life I am left with. I didn't choose it, but it was dealt to me. Maybe I won't know what it's like to bring someone home to meet the family, to get married and to be a soccer mom, but such is life.....

I had sworn I would take this to my grave not telling anyone, and that made me feel better about it. But after so many years, it just weighs you down and I feel like I am finally at the point in my life where I really don't care anymore and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I feel like everything is finally falling into place. I am happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and I am ready to start off 2013 perfectly. I just needed to get this out, to finally just be free and happy and honest. It will be terrifying to hit that publish button and share this with everyone given everyones stance on the issue (not a favorable one) but this is MY life and i'm not letting it bury me anymore.

One More Time

Alright, alright, I know i've posted a lot about Mosaic but I just have one more thing to share. I went on their website tonight to see if they have live streaming because they are having kind of a special service tomorrow and I found out they have all the messages posted on iTunes. I went on the page to check it out, and ended up watching the message from last week. It was from a different service than I went to because there were some different things, but it was just as good the second time around. I know everyone is busy and especially around the holidays....and who wants to spend the little free time they have watching a message from a church service, haha....but, if you do feel so inclined or you miss a church service of your own, I would encourage you to check out what is going on at Mosaic. I'll include the link which then redirects you to iTunes and you can download their podcasts for free...I even added it to my iPhone so if you don't have time now to watch it, it can be there for another time. Anyway, didn't want to make another huge update, but thought I would just share my new discovery if anyone might be interested. Hope anyone that reads this enjoying the season and has a great Christmas. ...and if not, then I believe the service 2 weeks ago had the 'no more gloom!' theme if you would want to check that out as well, haha ;) Thanks for putting up with me.

Here is the link to the podcast:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mosaic-video-podcast/id142417894

"The only way to relate to me is in coolness, and you don't have that"

So I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, just have either been too busy or too lazy. In all honesty, I am finally writing it right now because I know if I don't do it know, who knows when I will, because I could probably handle going to sleep right now....it is, after all, already 12:15 at night after a long but oh so fun day, but anyway, I digress, none of this has to do with anything! (ADD) So, Mosaic.

Mosaic is the name of the Church I have been going to whenever I can since i've moved to LA and was recommended to check it out. I could talk about my first couple experiences and blah blah blah, but it just boils down to, I love it. I find myself looking forward to going on Sunday mornings and never leaving without a feeling of contentment and joy. This holiday season Hank (one of the pastors whom I have come to really enjoy) has been preaching a series entitled Home for Christmas. A couple weeks ago he talked about building our house. Having us tell the people we sit around the name of our house...so for example I was Amy, house of Ergle. We live our lives making a name for ourselves and we sometimes forget that the choices we make show who we are and effect the household and family we are in or are trying to make (make good choices!). Last week Hank talked about finding peace, using Christ as a steady center and cornerstone to bring us peace. The theme for last week was 'no more gloom'. He made us repeat that aloud a few times and then spread that energy to anyone we encountered. There was to be "no more gloom!" because this was going to be the best christmas ever. The 'best Christmas ever' theme has kind of been carried along the whole time, including today. We went through and talked about all of the names Jesus was described as when He was first mentioned back in Isaiah...9 to be exact. The first word to ever describe Jesus was wonderful. He is wonderful. A counselor (our strategist), mighty God (worrier God, not a force that can knock him over), everlasting Father (protecting us and giving us everlasting souls and life), Prince of peace (brings peace inside of us, inside our soul), and He is not going anywhere. He also mentioned the zeal that He has for us...maybe even greater than love, a kind of passion that is unstoppable, a thing that when decided upon will get accomplished. Hearing all of these things today only solidifies the love He has for us and the trust I can completely put in Him. Hearing not only these little lessons but about how Christmas actually started and how the attitudes and actions of Christians really effect the view from the rest of the country's and world's point of view. I will stop myself before I go onto a tangent, but even as I wrote my last blog update about music (at mosaic), I have also come to look forward to the message just as much. ....although since I brought it up, Mosaic sure does know how to do Christmas music! I've never actually really loved the whole come to the service during Christmas time and sing nothing but Silent Night, etc. but by golly Mosaic has done it. I don't know if it is just this point in my life where I am finally appreciating some of these songs more by paying a little more attention, but I am getting into these Christmas songs! And last week the closing song was little drummer boy. They had a guy up on the stage drumming away on a drum, like from a drum line, and then all of the sudden the doors swing wide open behind me and a dang drum line comes marching in all drumming away! It was awesome. And the week before where they had this awesome string section set up on stage that played a BEAUTIFUL instrumental piece. Which brings me to today when I walked in and saw a choir in the choir robes on the side of the stage....lead by....who only, (hopefully not to sound offensive here) a black guy and girl. And it. was. awesome. After a couple songs Hank came up to let the choir and the lead singers know they were bringing the heat, but us as the congregation....not so much. He then went on to say that sometimes you can go to church...and then you can go to CHURCH (you know what i'm talking about) He encouraged us all to sway, even dance, if you will (...but only within the walls of our church, because we were, after all, white folk) So he made the 2 main singers lead us in a sway as we got back to bringin the house dzown. I could go on and on about the little things like that that happen every sunday that just bring a smile to my face. The way we all, as a congregation chant "No more gloom!" or tell the people next to us it is going to be the 'best christmas ever!' or I 'represent the house of Ergle'. The title of this post is an actual quote from Hank, which he thought as his 17 year old self in relation to his parents' He keeps the conversation honest and real....and funny. He makes us, as a group of believes, realize we need to be accountable for the view the rest of the world see's of us. And not that we are here to BE God or judge or use Him as the pedestal piece of an argument or political party, but to be the little piece of relief someone might need in their day, a group that has accepted the peace and love of God and is sharing it with the rest of the world. I know this has been long and there I things I could have left out but there has been even more that I already have, and I wanted to share this beautiful place with you all...if only just a little bit of the things that I have learned and observed from the little while I have been attending. I feel if more churches and people were like mosaic, we might have a better wrap as Christians, I don't know. But I do know that place is filled with love and joy and compassion and gratitude and I can't get enough.

Late Night Ramblings

Well, enough time has passed yet again to make another update….also, I have been without cable and the internet the past 2 days at the house and as it turns out, my computer is pretty useless to me without the internet so, figured I could give it a little love by at least typing up some sort of update. I really have no idea what to say given the fact that anyone that is going to read this already knows what I have been up to since the last update. (filming Daniel, going to Thailand and going home for Thanksgiving, all very fun and great experiences) I could go on about what I’ll be doing the rest of the year and/or looking back on the awesome second half of this year but, I already do that too much. I thought maybe tonight I could share with you something I read tonight. It is from the Jesus Calling devotional, which starts out: 

“I LOVE YOU with an everlasting Love, which flows out from the depths of eternity. Before you were born, I knew you. Ponder the awesome mystery of a Love that encompasses you from before birth to beyond the grave.”  

I love that. So often I go through living my life, not really thinking about God yet all the while still knowing and appreciating what he does for me. I know different people have different times and do different things that make them feel closest to God, but when I read and hear stuff like that, those are some of the times I feel closest to Him. I know I should spend time with him everyday, do I? No. I know I should read my bible everyday (or even often) do I? No. I know I should pray more than I do and be more charitable. And does knowing that I am failing in all of these areas make me feel bad? Well, yea. But that just blows my mind even more when I read things like that excerpt above. We (I) don’t do what we(I) are supposed to. We(I) are idiots. We (I) let God down. But in spite of all of that. In spite of our sin, in spite of us not talking to him, in spite of not pursuing a deeper relationship with Him, he still loves us with an everlasting love. A love that no matter what we do, He is always there for us. I wouldn’t say I’ve had a terrible life at all, but I have had a few bumps in the road and in those times, no matter how distant I thought I might have made myself from God, I could always feel him right there with me. No matter how lonely I got, there was always one consistent being with me the whole time shouting I LOVE YOU. There is nothing in the world more comforting to me than feeling those words. Yea, people can throw those 3 words around, and I have heard it said to me and questioned what exactly that meant. But when I sing it. When I read it. It takes over my being and gives me the contentness (not a word, but it is now) that can not be matched in this world. I know I could do my part more, and what I’m just about to say is partially up to me, but I really hope everyone in the world can get that chance, that feeling. The feeling of knowing how much they are loved, and no matter what ANYONE else says and no matter what they do or if they even believe it or not, that love will never go away. I’m sure I know it is a selfish thing of me crave, but I enjoy those moments during the Sunday morning worship service the most. When I can hear songs of His love and proclaim right back at him that He will always be the one I will run to, and despite my actions, the one I love. 

My 101st post!

I didn't realize until I went to make another update that my last one was my 100th post. Wow. I can't believe this thing has been going that long! I mean, I know there have been some dry spells, but i think i've kept it up rather frequently. ...given the fact that I post so much on Facebook so people pretty much know what I am up to, for the most part. ANYWAY, onto why I came on here in the first place.

After my last downloading of pictures from my camera to iPhoto, I realized there was so much stuff I have never uploaded to Facebook. Seeing as I am already so far behind, I figured I could just give my blog a sample. I have a bunch from just hanging out around town and then I have a different album for all the sets i've been on. I figured that since I talk about work rather frequently, I can now show some pics of those sets. So, let the fun begin! 

*Note: If you just click a picture, you can scroll through the full size images if you so choose.

Flare: The Hunt

...setting up for a behind the scenes interview.

We shot at an old, abandoned Sears building.

(Sitting in the interview seat)

Let the interview begin.

This was a cool set up. (I was controlling the fire ;) )

Short Term 12.

View from parking

lunch that reminded me of a Sunday night dinner ;) 

lighting set up

water gun scene. (Brie on the monitor) 

So, Brie had to smash the windows of an audie. yea.
The aftermath. 

This was also a beautiful day. (When we can eat the prop food...cupcakes, yumm)

Fun last day. Paaartaaay.

Cat Power

View from the back porch (I liked the bridge)

(View Again)

Naughty or Nice

Christmas Movie!!

Book of Esther

Stage

Slate. (I was second AC A few days, it was a lot of fun)

Set

Aaron had to be a nobelsmen. hahah that hat.

Sara and I where they did the still photos

Could've been a model ;) 

Trash Talk

Interviews

Very crazy day. Cool though.

This is what I have been up to at work. the end. :)

A place to live, a place to work, and friends that made it happen

Well it has come to my attention that I hadn’t updated in a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any to update. As many of you know, I’ve been looking for housing for the past couple weeks because it just was not workin out in Sunland. Sara (a PA that I met while working on Short Term 12 and now a great friend of mine) told me her roommate was working in New Orleans and that I could probably stay at her place while I was looking for a new place to live. I am happy to report that I now have a place to unload my clothes again! ...and it is in the same room I’ve been staying in the past 13 days, haha. Turns out her roommate is still going to look for work outside of LA so she is going to sublease her room to me. Yay! 

Alright, got that out of the way. Anyway, I guess since my last update we have since wrapped Short Term 12...wait, did I ever even mention on here that I started this great movie called Short Term 12? Oh well, if you are my friend on Facebook (which you are) then you've heard me talk about it, haha. But seriously though, that was a really great experience and I was able to work with Aaron again and meet Sara so, that alone could make working the movie worth while ;) AND the little movies I am now working on until November 3rd, I get to be working with them again...well, sara will be leaving us the 18th but, at least we'll have her till then, haha. What we are working on right now are 2 of those Sunday School movies, the first being Queen Ester based on the book of Ester and the second being Daniel in the lions din...which will be filmed with real lions so, that should add some excitement to that shoot! haha. 

So I feel I talk about them enough that I should probably introduce my blog readers to Aaron and Sara. They are the best things that have happened to me since i've moved to LA. I first met Aaron my second week here (oh, on my birthday actually! haha) when I went to shadow Jared on Geography Club and then ended up working for 3 days there. Since then we have worked together on Ten Cent Pistol, Short Term 12, and now these two movies. Just to save time, we like and dislike the same foods and he loves to travel so, i'm pretty sure he's my soul mate. ;) aaaand me, him, and his friend (and now my friend) Edwin are going to San Francisco next weekend!! woo hoo! i'm pumped. So anyway, that is Aaron and I already mentioned I met Sara on Short Term 12 so, now you know my 3 closest peeps here in LA. (The third being Edwin who I bonded with on July 4th over the both of us being socially awkward in the very same situation we were in at the time.) 

And now it's time to unpack and organize my belongings a bit...and tryyy to go to bed at a reasonable time since my call time is 6am after all... -__-

The funny thing is, neither have you

I came across this picture tonight and that is just like me. Although I don't believe the people sitting next to me on purpose wishing i'd talk to them is applicable to me, a lot of this is. I have somewhat recently come to the realization that maybe i'm not the best at meeting new people because I, for some reason or another, am convinced that almost no matter who I meet, they don't like me or might think i'm annoying. I most of the time pride myself on the fact that I really don't care what people think about me, but when I stop and think about it...it looks like I actually do. Almost any instance when I would be thrown into a situation with a big group of people that I don't know, I can tell you I would be over in the corner by myself not talking to a single sole. Why? Well...I don't really know. It is true I like to keep to myself and I hate bugging people, so I figure it is just easier to not try to initiate conversation. Maybe i'm afraid of rejection? I really don't know. Maybe i'm not just a huge fan of humans to begin with, haha. But anyway, reading this made me realize I really need to start working on this aspect of myself. When I read "don't go around thinking nobody likes you and that you're not loved" I knew that is exactly what I need to start doing. Why do I always assume people don't like me? I mean, is there something so wrong or annoying with me that upon first meeting I would be so dislikable? I would hope not, but then again, who knows with people these days. Anyway, it is getting late compared to when I have to be at work, so I should call this rant to its end, but I felt like sharing, if even getting it out somewhere just for myself. Amy, not EVERYONE hates you. You are a great person and whoever you meet is lucky to get to know you. Don't always assume the worst and give people the chance to get to know you. (The advice from myself I should probably listen to...although knowing me, I won't, haha)