This time of night...

So it is at this time of night, especially, when my brain likes to beat itself up. I think we all do it. When we are just lying in bed and start questioning life. The little things, the big things, things that happened that day or will happen tomorrow. For me it is usually my lonely future. It is at this time of night where my self control really needs to kick in to stop me from updating my facebook status every night about this feeling. Tonight, I almost lost that fight. I almost posted a line from Missy Higgins 'Watering Hole' which I just so happened to embed in my last post. Just in case you still don't know what i'm talking about with the song (which, how dare you if you don't! go listen to it right now! it is a good song, haha ;) But the lyrics in question were: "But every night one by one all of the beasts I once ran from crawl out of the darkness and into my bed, these vultures of light they must be fed” ...which basically perfectly describes all my nights. But tonight, (and all day, actually) I have been listening to a new artist whose cd I downloaded today. Right when I went to update about this song, make everyone see what i've been feeling, a song came on. A song almost the opposite. Well, not really, but just a different way to handle these feelings I guess. Kind of like an answer to Watering Hole. Instead of letting these thoughts take over, you look at the positive. You remember the flowers and the sunrise and friends and you float in the water that tries to wash over you. The artist is Ben Howard and the song is entitled 'These Waters'. I was going to include my favorite line from the song, but when I went to go grab it I realized it was actually the first verse and a half and the chorus....but i'll go ahead and post it anyway, since it is my blog after all and I can do what I want. ;)

"And through it all, I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart. Yeah through it all, I fooled and fumbled, lost to the poet's frown. I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.
See these waters they'll pull you up, Oh now if you're bolder than the darkness. My my, let these songs be an instrument to cut, Oh spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness.Yeah my my, spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness"

Here is the song if you are to give it a listen.

As I understand it....

Sometimes, I feel a little lonely. And I can't really claim to be a lonely person all too often these days, because I have been able to meet so many people after moving to LA. At any given point in time I have a good amount of people I can text to occupy my time, but sometimes knowing that doesn't stop the loneliness from creeping in. I think it has to do with the depth of friendship as well with the people you encounter, text, and hang out with. I know there are a good amount of people who love me, I mean, mainly family, but recently more particularly....or rather kinda always I guess, their love can't fill this void and it agitates me when/if they think it can. I see so many people, especially now at my age, in loving relationships and freaking getting married and having kids. I mean, that's all good and well for them, but for people to want me to be content with love from my family my whole life is a little unfair. I am mainly writing this for myself to get it out, but if someone just happens to be reading this, can I offer to put you in my shoes for a minute. You are constantly surrounded by the images of love. Couples, engagements, marriages, dates, baby announcements. And there you sit. Always watching from the sidelines. Sometimes you try to stand up but no, the world keeps telling you to sit back down. You go to speak and try to stand up again but you are told that the love of your family and friends should be enough. Sure, you can watch everyone else enjoying their relationships, but you don't need that, YOU HAVE THE LOVE OF YOUR FAMILY FOR HEAVENS SAKE, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT ANYTHING MORE? You can put your own shoes back on now and go back to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. But why? Why do you have a companion to begin with? Is the love from your family and friends not good enough? Well of course it is good, and everyone needs that love. I don't know what I would do without it. But no, sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes we need a love different than our family and friends can give us. A love that will comfort you at the end of the day. To know that there is someone out there that cares about you, wants to hang out with you, smiles when you smile and cries when you cry. Someone to hold your hand in the good times and the bad. Someone to share your adventures and non-adventures with. To cozy up on the couch and keep you warm when it is cold. To share years and memories of all these times. I hear what you are saying. I have read into your comments. Because I am gay, I do not deserve to have these things. I shouldn't be able to feel the same things you feel and make the same memories you make. I should be content with the love of my friends and the love of my family. Amy stop being selfish. But the thing is. Sometimes I am. Sometimes when the nights are cold and lonely, your love isn't enough. Your love is too far away from me. Your love isn't the kind of love I can get by on for the rest of my life. You don't have to live that way so why should I? I know I am sounding needy at this point, but these are the thoughts that still sadden my nights when i'm left to an empty room and full computer screen. When all I see are happy couples and the thought that being my moms valentine on Valentines day is what my life is subject to.

Sorry to ramble, but that is what happens when i'm left with just me, my thoughts, and my loneliness on most nights. If you would like a perfect explanation in the form of a song, here it is. I have never heard this feeling been wrote about in such an honest and complete dead on way. And not just about love. But about all the thoughts that keep you up at night. Such an intriguing way to write it as well.

Traffic Thoughts

So I have this problem where when i'm stuck in my car (and especially in traffic) I come up with good blog ideas and motivate myself to finally write an update, but then by the time I get home and get on my computer, I get lost and distracted on other social media websites and 2 months have gone by and I haven't even opened up my blog. So here I am finally dusting off this blog again, but only of course after I have completely forgotten today what I had come on here to write. (I'm great at just never getting to a point or talking about anything really....it's a wonder if anyone is even reading this or reads this blog at all, haha. Good for you. The patience.) So anyway, I digress.

Oh yes, so a year ago today. (Look, I for once remembered something!) I'm not sure if you have seen this on my facebook, but I have this app called Timehop and it shows you all your status updates from a year, 2 years, 3 years, etc, ago today. It is actually pretty cool and it's fun looking back on what I was up to a year ago today. So this plays a part of my story, but I will for now put it on hold while I continue. Just keep it in the back of your mind when I mention it later.

So i've been working on this movie called Blood of Redemption. (also another reason why I have yet to have the strength to update this here blog. Basically, when I am on a movie, don't expect much from me except a random amount of facebook updates when I am doing a lock-up) We finally wrapped last night and oh my gosh, this movie. So for this movie, I had the unfortunate job of working crafty since that was a paying position and a PA wasn't. (PA meaning production assistant and crafty being craft service, having food and drinks available for the crew in between mean times...just for some people that might not know.) So anyway, turns out being crafty is the absolute worst job you can get on a movie set and I am definitely not cut out for it. It is especially terrible when you are being way underfunded and half of your budget is going to drinks and ice. The thing about crafty is, you have to please everyone. Everyone always wants something or expects something from you, but sometimes YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR THAT and people don't understand that. No one is ever happy because you can't produce what they want, you are always running out of food because you can only buy so much with the money you are given. If I never hear the phrase "do you have___" again, I will still have heard it more than I want to. I will stop ranting about crafty for a moment because in my desperation to escape people and soul sucking area known as crafty I would go and help the 2nd AD with some of her production stuff. This I think was one of the redeeming factors of the movie (if it had any at all) I made her and Aaron (who was Ket Set PA) put me to work as much as I could. I helped Stephenie (2nd AD) with her PR's (production reports) organized her paper work, helped with the daily time sheets, staple the maps to the call sheets, anything I could do really that would make me feel productive. I never really thought I would enjoy being a second AD because they are in the production office quite a bit, but after helping stephenie for this shoot, I realized it really isn't too terrible of a place if I ever do find myself in a position to work myself up to being a second AD. So anyway, now that I completely went off on another tangent of sorts.....

As much as I completely and utterly hated this movie at times (which I really did, this has probably been the most stressful project I have worked on) there were some good moments. I met some great people that made me laugh and I wouldn't mind working with again, I was able to learn how to do a production report, I was able to work with some other people i've worked with before again. Driving home from work, even on some of those days I felt defeated, I was reminded that even then, I would still much rather be doing this than what I was a year ago. Yesterday Annie, Edwin and I took a mad tour of downtown. We spent our day waaalking and walking, but having fun and enjoying each others company (and eating of course.) And it was either yesterday or the day before when Edwin had told me that he finally finished watching my little documentary I did of my senior year last year. He reminded me of the little voice over part I did at the end, where I mentioned looking forward to the new people I was going to meet wherever I ended up.....that that he and Aaron were indeed the new people I met! This is true. I am reminded daily of how far I have come in a year. Yesterdays status updates from a year ago today included the quotes: "It would be very nice to have a friend again. I would like that even more than a date" and "I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not knowing things sometimes."See a year ago today I was reading one of my all time favorite books, The Perks of Being A Wallflower and very much sympathizing with the main character. But I can't help but only look back and smile and think that even though this job kinda sucked for me, look at where I am today. I have found some truely great friends where I no longer feel the pain in those quotes. While I might get a little defeated, at the end of the day I am working on a movie in LA and at the end of the month it will be over and I will find my next project (hopefelly, if anyone is reading this and is in LA...i'm looking for work! haha)

So while I know this update has been the approximate length of a novel so far, it was one of my 'traffic thoughts.' How kinda sad my life was a year ago at this time (I mean, I had good times, don't get me wrong buuut...) and how grateful I am that in the middle of chaos and frustration, at least you have some good friends to share some memories with, and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

And i'm not letting it bury me anymore... (Bring the beat in)

Ok. Been debating writing this blog for quite some time now. Still not decided if I want to post the link to it on Facebook where a couple people might actually read it or just wait it out since i'm sure not many people would read it unless I post it on Facebook. (see how i'm already avoiding the main topic?) But people say they don't want to talk about important things over the internet or how we shouldn't document our personal lives on the computer....except the thing is, that is kinda exactly what this blog is about. And to be honest, a lot of people wouldn't know much about me or what i'm up to if it wasn't for the internet. And this is my space and this is where i've gone to sort through thoughts and a place I would go on a lonely night. Its been here and is almost like a little diary for me sometimes. A diary that I happen to put on the internet and crazily offer people to read. I figured since I let you into my mind (as the smaller header indicates, haha) it wouldn't be honest if I didn't share a part that has influenced this blog.

At my age and even at the start of college, or better yet high school...heck, we can take it back to middle school and even preschool, people are always asking about boyfriends or if there is anyone you (proverbial) like or are talking to. It is just something that our society and culture is interested in I guess. Or maybe it is just a good conversation filler, I don't know. But these questions are always more frequent around my age....and when everyone you know is getting engaged or having babies. Luckily for me, I guess people have stopped trying....or maybe they thought they would know already since I post way too much on facebook, haha. I normally try not to discuss my singleness because then it becomes awkward and people are assuring me how great I am and of course I will find someone some day. Well, you know, I know i'm awesome. I think I would be a great girlfriend. (Depending on your definition of fun) I am a fun person and would like to make myself think I can make people laugh on occasion. But the thing is, you really don't want me to be dating someone. I've seen it on Facebook, I hear it when you talk, you've flat out told me it would be better not to and I can see it in the voting polls. You may be thinking to yourself, 'i've never said anything of the sort!' buuut, there is one thing you may not know, and that is if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a guy. I'm not attracted to them, never really have been. And you can make excuses and people have told me I haven't found the right guy yet, but you're just fooling yourself. I can't make myself magically become attracted to a guy as much as I can't magically make you become attracted to a girl...or a guy, whichever gender you may happen to be. We can't choose the people we like, and trust me my life would be so much easier if I could, because I still have no idea why anyone would want to choose to be gay....just look at the number of gay teen suicides and the amount of bullying, hate, and disgust they receive. People look down on you and choose not to acknowledge your relationships and treat them as inferior. In only 9 of 50 states are gays given the same rights. And it isn't just about the term 'marriage' but the fact that there are a number of legal and financial rights and benefits given to only married couples.

Alright, alright, this update wasn't to discuss the plight of gay people, so I apologize, if anyone is still reading at this point. I knowI have already told a handful of people and if you have really read a few of my other posts you may not be tooo surprised....or maybe you just didn't catch on and you are....and if so, I am sorry. I kind of thought that maybe this whole situation had just gotten to the 'don't ask don't tell' point because really, I mean really, you are reading this now so you surely have read some of my other posts and Facebook. Regardless, after telling some people I have honestly felt much better. I felt like there was this huge thing that was always weighing me down and the more I got it out, the easier it was. It is who I am and after tears, after confusion, after prayer, after being mad at God, after acceptance and after everything, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking i'm someone that i'm not. I don't want people to assume that one day I am gonna come home with a boyfriend or that I will get married one day. So when I make posts saying I will never get married or get engaged, this is why. As much as I wish I was joking and being dramatic, i'm really not. So I guess this is the life I am left with. I didn't choose it, but it was dealt to me. Maybe I won't know what it's like to bring someone home to meet the family, to get married and to be a soccer mom, but such is life.....

I had sworn I would take this to my grave not telling anyone, and that made me feel better about it. But after so many years, it just weighs you down and I feel like I am finally at the point in my life where I really don't care anymore and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I feel like everything is finally falling into place. I am happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and I am ready to start off 2013 perfectly. I just needed to get this out, to finally just be free and happy and honest. It will be terrifying to hit that publish button and share this with everyone given everyones stance on the issue (not a favorable one) but this is MY life and i'm not letting it bury me anymore.

One More Time

Alright, alright, I know i've posted a lot about Mosaic but I just have one more thing to share. I went on their website tonight to see if they have live streaming because they are having kind of a special service tomorrow and I found out they have all the messages posted on iTunes. I went on the page to check it out, and ended up watching the message from last week. It was from a different service than I went to because there were some different things, but it was just as good the second time around. I know everyone is busy and especially around the holidays....and who wants to spend the little free time they have watching a message from a church service, haha....but, if you do feel so inclined or you miss a church service of your own, I would encourage you to check out what is going on at Mosaic. I'll include the link which then redirects you to iTunes and you can download their podcasts for free...I even added it to my iPhone so if you don't have time now to watch it, it can be there for another time. Anyway, didn't want to make another huge update, but thought I would just share my new discovery if anyone might be interested. Hope anyone that reads this enjoying the season and has a great Christmas. ...and if not, then I believe the service 2 weeks ago had the 'no more gloom!' theme if you would want to check that out as well, haha ;) Thanks for putting up with me.

Here is the link to the podcast:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mosaic-video-podcast/id142417894

"The only way to relate to me is in coolness, and you don't have that"

So I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, just have either been too busy or too lazy. In all honesty, I am finally writing it right now because I know if I don't do it know, who knows when I will, because I could probably handle going to sleep right now....it is, after all, already 12:15 at night after a long but oh so fun day, but anyway, I digress, none of this has to do with anything! (ADD) So, Mosaic.

Mosaic is the name of the Church I have been going to whenever I can since i've moved to LA and was recommended to check it out. I could talk about my first couple experiences and blah blah blah, but it just boils down to, I love it. I find myself looking forward to going on Sunday mornings and never leaving without a feeling of contentment and joy. This holiday season Hank (one of the pastors whom I have come to really enjoy) has been preaching a series entitled Home for Christmas. A couple weeks ago he talked about building our house. Having us tell the people we sit around the name of our house...so for example I was Amy, house of Ergle. We live our lives making a name for ourselves and we sometimes forget that the choices we make show who we are and effect the household and family we are in or are trying to make (make good choices!). Last week Hank talked about finding peace, using Christ as a steady center and cornerstone to bring us peace. The theme for last week was 'no more gloom'. He made us repeat that aloud a few times and then spread that energy to anyone we encountered. There was to be "no more gloom!" because this was going to be the best christmas ever. The 'best Christmas ever' theme has kind of been carried along the whole time, including today. We went through and talked about all of the names Jesus was described as when He was first mentioned back in Isaiah...9 to be exact. The first word to ever describe Jesus was wonderful. He is wonderful. A counselor (our strategist), mighty God (worrier God, not a force that can knock him over), everlasting Father (protecting us and giving us everlasting souls and life), Prince of peace (brings peace inside of us, inside our soul), and He is not going anywhere. He also mentioned the zeal that He has for us...maybe even greater than love, a kind of passion that is unstoppable, a thing that when decided upon will get accomplished. Hearing all of these things today only solidifies the love He has for us and the trust I can completely put in Him. Hearing not only these little lessons but about how Christmas actually started and how the attitudes and actions of Christians really effect the view from the rest of the country's and world's point of view. I will stop myself before I go onto a tangent, but even as I wrote my last blog update about music (at mosaic), I have also come to look forward to the message just as much. ....although since I brought it up, Mosaic sure does know how to do Christmas music! I've never actually really loved the whole come to the service during Christmas time and sing nothing but Silent Night, etc. but by golly Mosaic has done it. I don't know if it is just this point in my life where I am finally appreciating some of these songs more by paying a little more attention, but I am getting into these Christmas songs! And last week the closing song was little drummer boy. They had a guy up on the stage drumming away on a drum, like from a drum line, and then all of the sudden the doors swing wide open behind me and a dang drum line comes marching in all drumming away! It was awesome. And the week before where they had this awesome string section set up on stage that played a BEAUTIFUL instrumental piece. Which brings me to today when I walked in and saw a choir in the choir robes on the side of the stage....lead by....who only, (hopefully not to sound offensive here) a black guy and girl. And it. was. awesome. After a couple songs Hank came up to let the choir and the lead singers know they were bringing the heat, but us as the congregation....not so much. He then went on to say that sometimes you can go to church...and then you can go to CHURCH (you know what i'm talking about) He encouraged us all to sway, even dance, if you will (...but only within the walls of our church, because we were, after all, white folk) So he made the 2 main singers lead us in a sway as we got back to bringin the house dzown. I could go on and on about the little things like that that happen every sunday that just bring a smile to my face. The way we all, as a congregation chant "No more gloom!" or tell the people next to us it is going to be the 'best christmas ever!' or I 'represent the house of Ergle'. The title of this post is an actual quote from Hank, which he thought as his 17 year old self in relation to his parents' He keeps the conversation honest and real....and funny. He makes us, as a group of believes, realize we need to be accountable for the view the rest of the world see's of us. And not that we are here to BE God or judge or use Him as the pedestal piece of an argument or political party, but to be the little piece of relief someone might need in their day, a group that has accepted the peace and love of God and is sharing it with the rest of the world. I know this has been long and there I things I could have left out but there has been even more that I already have, and I wanted to share this beautiful place with you all...if only just a little bit of the things that I have learned and observed from the little while I have been attending. I feel if more churches and people were like mosaic, we might have a better wrap as Christians, I don't know. But I do know that place is filled with love and joy and compassion and gratitude and I can't get enough.

Late Night Ramblings

Well, enough time has passed yet again to make another update….also, I have been without cable and the internet the past 2 days at the house and as it turns out, my computer is pretty useless to me without the internet so, figured I could give it a little love by at least typing up some sort of update. I really have no idea what to say given the fact that anyone that is going to read this already knows what I have been up to since the last update. (filming Daniel, going to Thailand and going home for Thanksgiving, all very fun and great experiences) I could go on about what I’ll be doing the rest of the year and/or looking back on the awesome second half of this year but, I already do that too much. I thought maybe tonight I could share with you something I read tonight. It is from the Jesus Calling devotional, which starts out: 

“I LOVE YOU with an everlasting Love, which flows out from the depths of eternity. Before you were born, I knew you. Ponder the awesome mystery of a Love that encompasses you from before birth to beyond the grave.”  

I love that. So often I go through living my life, not really thinking about God yet all the while still knowing and appreciating what he does for me. I know different people have different times and do different things that make them feel closest to God, but when I read and hear stuff like that, those are some of the times I feel closest to Him. I know I should spend time with him everyday, do I? No. I know I should read my bible everyday (or even often) do I? No. I know I should pray more than I do and be more charitable. And does knowing that I am failing in all of these areas make me feel bad? Well, yea. But that just blows my mind even more when I read things like that excerpt above. We (I) don’t do what we(I) are supposed to. We(I) are idiots. We (I) let God down. But in spite of all of that. In spite of our sin, in spite of us not talking to him, in spite of not pursuing a deeper relationship with Him, he still loves us with an everlasting love. A love that no matter what we do, He is always there for us. I wouldn’t say I’ve had a terrible life at all, but I have had a few bumps in the road and in those times, no matter how distant I thought I might have made myself from God, I could always feel him right there with me. No matter how lonely I got, there was always one consistent being with me the whole time shouting I LOVE YOU. There is nothing in the world more comforting to me than feeling those words. Yea, people can throw those 3 words around, and I have heard it said to me and questioned what exactly that meant. But when I sing it. When I read it. It takes over my being and gives me the contentness (not a word, but it is now) that can not be matched in this world. I know I could do my part more, and what I’m just about to say is partially up to me, but I really hope everyone in the world can get that chance, that feeling. The feeling of knowing how much they are loved, and no matter what ANYONE else says and no matter what they do or if they even believe it or not, that love will never go away. I’m sure I know it is a selfish thing of me crave, but I enjoy those moments during the Sunday morning worship service the most. When I can hear songs of His love and proclaim right back at him that He will always be the one I will run to, and despite my actions, the one I love.