Who is shaping your worldview?

So many topics, so little interest.

I haven't blogged in a while, and it's not because there haven't been things I wanted to say, but because they are just basic feelings that I have written about before, and i'm sure would be old news to anyone who has read my blog before. But since I am not working today and haven't blogged in a while, I thought I could tone down some topics i've wanted to write about, and write one blog centering around a handful of them. The common theme: role models.

I saw this post on a website a few months ago, I took a screen shot of it and wanted to write a blog post then, but I thought it could fit nicely here in this one. For those who wouldn't recognize, it is an excerpt from The Hunger Games Trilogy. No one would be surprised about my love for Katniss Everdeen. I think she is a great character and one that is needed for girls who are growing up now a days. Even at the age of 5, little kids are shown by Disney princess movies that the point of being born is to be eventually saved or loved by a prince charming...and I guess that is fine and well for some people, but it makes life unfair for about almost everyone in that representation of what life is about. Sure, there are some Disney movies that don't have this theme, and God bless Frozen (for which I ALMOST got real mad at there 3/4 of the way through, haha) but the point that the media more often than not gets across is, that no matter what females do there always need to be a prince charming that comes at the end of the day to make the story perfect, and why does that always need to be so? Here is Katniss Everdeen, strong, independent, looks out for herself and takes cares of others. What a great role model presented. That she doesn't need anyone to rescue her, that young woman are strong enough on our own to take care of ourselves. That it's ok to want to go out and run around in the woods instead of dress up and be put on display by the media. That nothing is wrong with us wanting our alone time. All of these things should be normal and accepted too.

As much as i'm glad for the character of Katniss, i'm glad that Jennifer Lawrence was chosen to bring her to life, because not only does she do that, but as a person she also, I feel, challenges the media on what they put out and present to young girls as how they should be and grow up. For that reason, I in some way look up to or respect Katniss and also my BFF JLaw.

Another person that I have recently come to love is Kacey Musgraves. In a world where so many expectations are placed on people, she calls the world out and basically says BS. Good for her. In her song, Merry Go Round, the opening line is: "If you ain't got 2 kids by 21, you're probably gonna die alone, at least that's what tradition told you." The whole song is about how we were told life should go: grow up, get married, have 2.5 kids, live in cookie cutter houses in a subdivision just like everybody else. I'm not saying this isn't a good life and you can't grow up this way (if you want to, more power to ya), but I appreciate that it is being acknowledged that that is how tradition tells you to make a life, and maybe it isn't all it's cracked up to be. And kind of to push that whole theme along she has her song Follow Your Arrow, basically saying, there are people that still think that is how you make a life ^, but if that is how you DO make your life, people will still judge you, so just do your thing and not worry about what other people think of you. If you're fat, people will judge you, if you're skinny, people will judge you; if you drink, people will judge you, if you don't drink, people will judge you; if you go to church, people will judge you, if you don't go to church, people will judge you, you get where she is going with this? (Our society sucks) BUT, we don't have to care about people judging us, YOU JUST DO YOU, GIRL. Whatever makes you happy, do that, because life is to short to be anything but happy. (I maybe could have read that quote somewhere and am possibly plagiarizing, but still a good point) Anyway, yet another person I think our society needs and I wouldn't hesitate recommending as a good role model for girls.

Someone that I really look up to is a blogger and author that goes by the name of Jen Hatmaker. I have blogged about her before, so I will make this one shorter, but if there are any adults out there that are still looking for some more good role models in their life, I would direct you to her. She seeks God and love so unapologetically (and is so hilarious also) that the world would change if there were a few more of her. She is how I strive to be when I grow up. Just recklessly loving the world and every human in it, not caring who is telling her to stop, and I find that the most inspiring thing of all, because when your heart is alined with Gods and you can't stop loving and showing love, everything else I have mentioned in this blog falls into place. I have never felt more free than I do in Christ, and that is kind of what it all is about. Screw what society says, how they think you should grow up, who they think needs to save you and how you need to act- the fullest and freest life i've known is when I accept and give it up to Jesus, because in the end that all that really matters.

I should have just ended this blog on that paragraph, but i wanted to add another little closing paragraph. I'm not gonna call myself a great a role model, because i'm not a perfect person and I'm nearly certain if I ever was a role model and the 'One Million Moms' brigade heard about it they would throw an uproar, but if I can't be (and mainly because I don't know many girls younger than me) I would at least hope that they could look up to these woman and know that they don't have to settle in this life. That they can go out there and do whatever they want, follow any dream they had. If they want to be a doctor I surely hope they won't let anyone stop them. Or a lawyer. Or a vet. Or a social worker. Or a singer. Or an activist. Or the President of the United States of America. I heard a song recently that was pretty much made for me at my point in life a few years ago. It got me thinking on the topic of giving advise to people and then who we look up to and possibly get advise or a life queue from. This entry has already been too long and taken a certain theme so I won't go into the song and experiences and advise I remembered from it (maybe next time) but all goes to say, we all have influences and people that help shape the way we view life...make sure you are aware of those people in your life and how they are influencing you to live your life, because they are influencing you and your worldview.

My faith is slowly being restored in churches and I hope they don't blow it.

I have been wanting to update the blog for at least a few weeks now. I had stop myself after watching an episode of a show I like where a character tried to commit suicide, I held my tongue so hard when the whole Duck Dynasty controversy was going on, but today I feel is an appropriate time to update. There are so many topics that I feel I hammer into the ground on here, and i'm sure i've already covered this, but here we go.

I guess I should start off by admitting that yes, I am a hypocrite, and maybe sometimes I am the problem for misconstrued views of the church, and for that i apologize.

Today I went to Church of Hope with my family, and Mark shared statistics he had found about Christianity and the church: every major world religion is growing except Christianity. In spite of the (i believe it was) 4 trillion dollars churches had spent, there wasn't significant movement towards Christ. It is abundantly clear that not only has christianity lost traction with some people, it has come to a screeching halt. A handful of Christians may be dumbfounded by these facts, however I am not and i'll take a minute to explain why.

There was a time in my life where I held some resentment towards God and the Church (I think i've blogged about this before so I will keep this short) There have been so many times where I felt unwanted and unloved by the Church, i'm sure it would sound embracing to mention. The week before last when I attended Hope my eyes misted up a little because why I was sitting there and watching all the people around me sing about love, not 24 hours before I saw them updating their Facebook status about how what I am is wrong and I shouldn't be treated equally. It made me mad that I had to sit in the same room with people that would sing about love, but only to a certain extent and to only certain people (I can only conclude, based on what I am reading of their updates) But enough about me, this post is about the church and trying to reach the lost. Anyway, my point is, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel and see myself in the unbeliever. Like I have one foot in the church and the other out the door. I see where the world is coming from and why church attendance has become so stagnant. It's partially because of people like me who hate admitting they go to church, furtherly showing that the church is filled with people you don't want to be around...but that isn't true. Not in all circumstances.

There are churches and christians around the world and around the United States that are doing truly great, new, and exciting things. For example where I go in LA, Mosaic. I love the living daylights out of that church and I will shout it from the rooftops. I won't expound because i've dedicated a whole post about them (said post) but it is a great place. Another christian that I think will change the face of Christianity is a woman/author/blogger named Jen Hatmaker. She is taking up the cross, seeking the truth, and laying it all out there, the defender of love. People start controversy about 2 people marrying, she says 'No. Love.' People get up in arms about politics, she says 'No. Love.' She see's the woman on the streets struggling to provide for her kids: love. The homeless man: love. Your annoying co-worker: love. Neighbor that has 2 sleeves (of tattoos): love. To me, she gets it. She absolutely knows that the whole world in looking at Christians and how they react to certain situations, and she chooses love. (If you would like, check out her awesome blog here) Today my old roommate in college posted a link to an article about the church she is attending, talking about how the church is becoming an inclusive and reconciling congregation. Included in the article is the associate pastor's greeting:

“No matter where you have come from 
and no matter where you are going...
No matter what you believe or doubt...
No matter what you are feeling or just

not feeling...

No matter what you have or don't have...

And no matter whom you love...

All of you is welcomed into this 

community of faith

by a God who loves you,

who knows you by name, and

who wants a personal relationship with you.
Thanks be to God - Amen!” 

It was really a good article. Some people and some churches have realized that they have, in the past, isolated and even pushed away some non believers or people from other walks of life. I kinda find it great that they call it reconciling...that they have a reconciling committee. I think it's time for the church and the world to have one big reconciliation. I know so many people have felt like they have been burned by the church. The church has hurt them in some way. Something happened that made them jaded. They met one too many unloving, judgmental Christians and it turned them off from church and Christianity all together. BUT THERE IS HOPE. There are people that are bringing back love to the world and showing that christianity isn't about their personal beliefs about how you should dictate your life and laws you need to follow and what you can't do....that it's about God's love and receiving that love through Jesus. That we were literally created to be loved by God. That EVERYONE was created to be loved by God. Not who the Christians think deserve to be loved by God, not the perfect ones, not the do-gooders and sinless, but everyone. I appreciate that this is something that Mark mentioned at Church of Hope this morning, love. It really isn't our job to take a stance on an issue and determine how holy or worthy someone is based on that stance. More and more churches and christians I believe are starting to see and understand how they ostracize people when they put them on a pedestal to shame them. Its happened before and it will most certainly happen again, the next controversy christians vs. the liberal God hating world, but when Christians and churches can take a back seat to being "right" and caring that they have had their "rights" taken, and instead at least pretend that everyone they look down upon has actual human feelings too and create an environment where the world might want to be, then maybe, just maybe, we might start to see the numbers of Christian popularity going up and the number of churches closing going down. God knows we have a long way to go with gaining back that trust and respect from the rest of the world, but I have faith that these churches and people will lead the way and i'm excited for their message the take hold, because at least as far as my knowledge in LA, while statistics show more churches closing that starting, Mosaic is adding new service after new service because of growth and nothing could make me happier. Here's to a reconciling 2014! 

Love you guys. 

But is it only happening in The Hunger Games?

This past Wednesday night I finally was able to see Catching Fire. I have read all the books in the Hunger Games trilogy, collectively being one of my all time favorite books (and Catching Fire even most specifically) so I was excited to watch. I had asked someone if they wanted to join and they were a little hesitant to respond because the whole concept of the movies is just kind of terrible...kids killing kids. Understandable, but that is kinda what the whole series is about....how terrible it and this society is. The thing that scares me though, is how far off are we as a society from what we see in the Hunger Games?

As I was watching the movie, parts of it made me mad. Not the movie itself, but the government, the people in charge, the media. I was angry that there was a (made up I know) world where these things happen. But the thing is, if you look at our society, there are a scary amount of comparisons.

You have this world where it is controlled by the capitol and the media, and they choose the things that the rest of the world can see. The media turns killings into a game for entertainment at the expense of everyone who isn't part of the elite. Maybe our media isn't exactly broadcasting killing for entertainment, but maybe it sometime is. We put everything and everyone we see on television on a pedestal. People starve themselves to look the way they see people portrayed in the media. The media thrives off of exploiting celebrities lives because people want to watch. Kids pick what is cool by what they see on a screen, and if another kid doesn't embody that, they get picked on. People commit suicide because they don't think they measure up. The media feeds us so many lies and shows us so much crap and a false representation of the world, sometimes it scares me to think we are turning into the capitol.

At the capitol they have people that are power hungry, that will do anything to get ahead/stay on top and prove their power. The government doesn't care about the people at all. They abuse them. They don't look out for their best interests. It's all about social class and inequality. They don't care that people in the districts are living in poverty while they drink drinks to make them less full so they can eat more. Please tell me our elected officials don't also try to cater to the wealthy and the ones that can give them power. Please tell me our government doesn't treat certain social classes and walks of life unequally. Certainly our government doesn't stoop so low as to hobnobbing with the wealthy to make deals to make themselves look better and keep them in control.

Listen, i'm not trying to say we live in Panem, but the idea for the books had to be drawn from somewhere, and i'm thinking it looks like an exaggerated version of the world we live in. Unfortunately we DO have people starving and living in poverty. There ARE kids being shipped off to go fight against their will. There ARE people being abused by their government. And maybe it isn't all happening in America, but it is happening. This world can be a scary place, I just hope that the media doesn't turn themselves into the Capitol, although it keeps looking more and more like that with every anorexic girl shown and every call of duty bought. We are becoming numb to death and to reality and to the things that actually matter in this life. You have people trampling over each other to get 60% off a television and it is turning quite literally into the hunger games. Here's to hoping Panem stays solely a fictional place in a book series i love.

I'm sorry, but can you please not say that?

"I see the destruction those lifestyles lead to, and my heart breaks for them."

This isn't the first time I have heard or read that sentiment about someone being gay. I'm sorry, but since when did having a whole and full life and being gay become mutually exclusive? Some people of religious faith say these things all the time when this subject comes up.....'you wouldn't be living life to the fullest and living the life God would want you to lead.' This is absurd to me. This is something that has been said to me, and I would like to take a minute to kindly educate you that people who say this should probably STFU (what's the nicest way to say that?)

Correct me if i'm wrong, but I would say the type of lifestyles that lead to what I would believe to be destruction would be one of a drug addict, someone who can't forgive or let go of the past, people struggling from other addictions and anger management problems. It could just be me (which maybe it is) but I don't see why people still feel the need to put energy into arguing or try to change people from the gay "destructive lifestyle" when there are people that are going through actual life threatening/altering situations.

Is my lifestyle and who I am attracted to really that much of a destruction? Is the fact that I treat people equally and give love and compassion as much as I can that much of a detriment to society and myself? Does it hinder your own livelihood that I work hard at my job, try to further my career and grow my friendships? Does it make the other religious folk feel uncomfortable or frightened if I am someone who seeks to follow after the Lord, basks in all His love, shares it as much as I can and be gay?

Please don't let your heart break for me, and if it does I will pick it up and mend it back together with the love that Jesus has for both of us. If your heart breaks, let it break for the orphans, the homeless, the addicts, the unloved, the depressed, not the one's who just so happen to not be attracted to the gender that you deem appropriate.

You know what, I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to travel. I am going to be successful in my career. I am going to be happy. I am going to have great friends. I am going to serve the less fortunate. I am going to show love. I am going to receive love. And I don't ever for a second want anyone to think that I can't have a lifestyle worth being proud of. I know that some people may think that I am less of because I don't dream to walk down the aisle to Mr...whoever, but your opinion should no longer shape the way I or other people view themselves.

And as a not so side note, it is completely normal that everyone is always congratulating these unmarried 19 year olds getting pregnant but 2 girlfriends that have been dating for years get married and don't get the same amount of congratulations? These are actual things that I am currently seeing on my Facebook timeline. The same people that 'like' the posts that abhor homosexuality are also seen 'liking' the picture of a barely grown kid's pregnant stomach...all while they either have a kid that does drugs, smokes weed, or has premarital sex or does it themself. I'm not about pointing fingers and you can do whatever with your own life that you want, but when people make outrageous double standards, as you might can tell, it just gets under my skin.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts of the week. I know we might not agree, but hopefully it stretched your minds a little bit if not.

And It'll Change Your Life.

Recently I was asked why I went to church. At first thought, I didn't really know how to respond. After growing up in the church, it seemed like an obvious answer to me....why does anyone go to church? But then I realized that's what fosters a false image of the church to begin with, when people make assumptions and judgements about a church. Assuming an obvious answer is a detriment to everyone at this point, I think. It causes not only people to make generalizations but makes me latch on to other people's reasons behind going to church instead of making it personal and coming up with my own answer. My first reaction was, to learn about and worship God, of course. ...but like I said, that is such the obvious and churchy answer. It got me thinking, why DO I go to church? This question was asked in a discussion about religion and why it is needed, or important, and how there can be substitutes for church, but after some thinking, I'd like to share why for me, there can't be and it is an inelastic good I can't live without. 

After standing there a second, all that came to my mind was love. I know it sounds selfish of me, but the amount of love I feel when I go to church....and really Mosaic most specifically, honestly, is where I feel most loved. It is impossible for me to go into Mosaic with a bad attitude and keep it the whole time. You go there and are reminded time and time again after song, after someone comes up to talk, in the message, in another song, God cares about and loves us. 

I've written before about Mosaic's music, but this blog post wouldn't be complete if I didn't at least mention it. I could go one Sunday and sing worship songs for an hour and be perfectly content with life. I believe we were created to be loved, I think that is the reason God made us and why that is when i feel most whole; but I also believe we were made to worship God, and so when i'm doing that, nothing else really matters. Anything else that is going on in the world around me suddenly stops, it's like God puts the world on hold just for the small amount of time i'm wrapped up in music and singing and I could stay there forever. 

I go to Mosaic to learn, to be a better person, to grow my relationship not only with God but how I relate to other people. It seems like every new series we do is my new favorite. Right now we are doing a series on happiness called life in color, and I could swear its been my favorite and so great so far....but right before this series we did another one called Free...learning to free not only ourselves but other people. That was also my favorite and I never wanted it to end. I have some sermon notes that I was going to share with you, but then I would just want to share every single sermon and this would turn into a novel and then...well, I feel ya. I'll just instead say that these are powerful messages and lessons to learn. In the conversation that spurred this blog, it was mentioned...'if church is a place where you learn about the bible, why can't i just do that on my own and from the comfort of my room, why do i have to have someone preaching to me how to live my life.' And that is a valid point, but these messages and services...it is so much more than what I could take out of it by myself. (And also I am a terrible Christian in that I don't read my bible...which i know i should change, but that'll be a lesson for another day) This week we focused on openness, last week was idealism and before that craziness. I'm not at the point where I can motivate and preach to myself these things, and to be honest, when someone thinks they are, they need to go back to Corinthians or whichever books of the bible where the first churches were being formed and realize that is why we have pastors and churches in the first place. But I digress. 

Not to sound too religiousy, but going to this place, it changes people's lives. A couple weeks ago when I was at a Midweek, the speaker asked who had found freedom in this place? Noise soon followed, then varying levels of cheers when he kept going: healing, God, happiness...(and i'm sure some other words that I have since forgotten) As I was sitting there with these words being said and people's reaction to them, it is no secret that special things happen in this place. One Sunday (or Wednesday) when they were doing baptisms, a girl was speaking about her experience...how she had said she was never going to get baptized and how silly people look for it. Then she started going to Mosaic...and I love the quote she said, "The broken pieces in my life began to heal." As much as I try to put it into words, express how great a love there is...I just can't do it justice. There is no way to try to talk someone into understanding a feeling that they didn't even know they could feel. 

I know churches and being religious and believing in God might sound like a mildly terrifying thing to a good amount of people I now surround myself with...especially being in LA...so I try to walk this line with as much grace as i can, but at the same time, I ache for every single person in this city to feel the same way I do when i'm at Mosaic. I want everyone to feel as whole, as loved, as free, as cared for, as happy as I am. It makes me sad that other churches or religious people or institutions or a political party, or whatever, has turned so many people away from the church, because I think there is a whole new church growing up and breaking the stereotypes set by previous generations and I think the world is ready for it. I also think that some of us believers are sometimes even hesitant and resistant to even say we are so because we are still afraid of how people might judge us based on what the church has created for itself until this point...what has given it such a bad wrap with so many people. But what if this new church, this other group of believers weren't afraid to speak up, weren't afraid to take ownership of their faith and put a new face to Christianity......Christ. Not a pew full of judgmental people. Not people who care more about laws and sins and people's pasts or how much money they have and what economic status they are in and what they look like and who they love. No. It should be about the only thing that ever mattered, love. Mosaic recently added a new 5th service time on Sundays. The Wednesday that followed, someone mentioned that made Mosaic’s count that Sunday 3200. It is growing more and more every Sunday and that is all the reason. Mosaic is ready to step up to be this Church that the world is looking for, that the world needs. It is a place with a little more love, and a little more compassion, and I think the world is starting to notice. And I think it’s time for me to start getting more involved, cause I am ready…...or as we at Mosaic like to say, I’m all in. 

The Fosters

So I have kinda gotten into a new ABC Family tv show recently entitled The Fosters. I’m sure none of the people that read this watch it, but it is actually pretty good. I was watching the season finale last night and thinking how appreciative I am of this show. Let me explain. 

So the show is about a family, half made up of foster kids, half adopted kids, and one biological son. One parent is a cop, another a school vice principle I believe. It follows the lives of all the kids and the parents and the trouble the kids get into and the dynamic  of the foster kids entering this house and the family having to deal not only with that but just everyday happenings of life and teenagers. I was a little concerned and nervous to watch it at first, because the two parents I have mentioned are both female. I didn’t want this show to end up being the next glee, in that they start to sound all preachy and every episode has to have some sort of social issue and PSA involved. TV shows can be so political sometimes, and while it isn’t a terrible thing to sometimes touch on these topics, sometimes it can be a little much. 

I know for a good amount of this country still, they don’t see this as a normal family. Or don’t accept it or would kinda turn the other way. I know this isn’t the first time TV shows have shown a family with a gay couple, but it is the first of its kind and it has changed my thoughts about my own future. I know there are shows out there like Modern Family and that is greatly successful and sure there are gay characters on shows more often, but this is the first time there has been a show strictly centering around one family that is lead by a gay couple. Think of all the shows that are centered around a certain family, from even the beginning of tv and movies...I Love Lucy, The Cosby Show, Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, The Middle, you get the point. All about just normal families and everyday life. The thing I love about this show, is that it shows the same thing. There is no difference. We are all just one family. Two people just doing the best they can to raise their kids in a loving, caring household. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when politics gets thrown in your face a little bit, but as the deal with life in general. The reason this show has impacted me is because it has shown life with such normalness (which I will now call a word.) When you hear for so long that gay people shouldn’t be able to get married and have kids, maybe sometimes you just believe them and lose the will to even think otherwise anymore. For the past little while, I would say that I’m never getting married and I would probably never have kids either. It all just seemed like such a foreign concept to me. No one would ever approve. Everyone would look at me weird. My family would judge me. Society would judge me. If I ever had kids, what emotional scarring would I alreadyyyyy inflict on a child by me, being gay, being their mom. I just can’t deal with that type of pressure. The thing about this show though, is that it is so normal. They are just like every other family. They love their kids and their kids love them. These kids needed a loving home and with the Fosters, they got one. 

In last nights episode, the 2 moms got married. I felt I was watching what would be my emotions in the character of Steph. She never really wanted to get married. I guess she was a little just bitter about it. Her dad didn’t want to go, and she was having a conversation with him, saying that maybe she didn’t want to get married because she thought it was weird too...two girls standing up there. Who would even walk down the isle? This is silly. But then she realized, she didn’t want to not get married because they were her feelings, but because they were her dads. She believed and had it ingrained in her that 2 females can’t marry and it would be weird. So she lived with that all her life. Here she was, in a loving, long term relationship with 3 kids and 2 foster kids, and yet still couldn’t bring herself to get married. Until she realized she could. That all of those thoughts weren’t hers but those thrown upon her. 

Now I’m not saying this to all of the sudden announce that I am going to have a wedding and raise a heap of kids, but I am saying that I like my life better knowing it is a possibility. That possibly, maybe, someday I would want a normal life too. Being able to settle down with someone I love and maybe even have kids. Invite kids that don’t have a family into mine. Love them like I have been loved. And maybe I am still not keen on the idea of marriage, but maybe one day I will be. And if you don’t believe I should be, then you don’t have to come….as a matter of fact, I wouldn’t want you to come. No offense, but, I guess you can just pick and choose the status updates you like of mine on Facebook and I would just have the people that supported me there. (It’ll never happen, so you can just calm down) 

Anyway, all of this to say, this show has got me thinking. I think it is good for America, it’s good for me, it’s good for everyone in general. And not just for showing a family with 2 moms, but with adopted and fostered kids as well. I have heard a lot of good things from that community about how they are tackling those subjects and how foster kids and adopted kids are happy to finally see some representation of their own on tv. It’s finally widening the scope of visibility for a lot of different people, and I really like that. 

The Art of Friendship

Proverbs 17:17

"A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." 

Today we started a new series at Mosaic entitled Match. Looking at our relationships and seeing best how they can be fostered to form close, meaningful connections with those in our lives. The first in our series was entitled the art of friendship. Friendship is a very important thing to have in one's life, knowledge gained from being on both sides of that coin. Friendship is an important thing to have in pretty much almost all and any of your relationships, be it romantic or not. But today, we are talking about just straight up friendship, from one person to another.

In our realm of people we interact with, we have a community of people we talk to (some could call it a group of acquaintances) and we have friends. The first wall you cross from being in one's community to one's friendship is vulnerability. Once you are vulnerable with each other, it opens up the conversation to get to know each other in a more meaningful way. The problem with vulnerability, however, is that people sometimes use disclosure instead of being vulnerable, and they are not the same thing. This is one of my problems, in that even with this blog I feel like I disclose a good amount of my life, so while it may seem like you may know me because of the things I disclose, it isn't a relationship we are forming, it isn't the type of vulnerable that breaks down walls.

The next phase that builds friendships is confidence. Confidence, loyalty, and forgiveness. These all kind of go hand in hand. You want a friend who is loyal, who you can be confident in, that will be trustworthy with your vulnerability. Someone is who is always on your side....a friend who loves at all times.

Forgiveness. The people who are closest to you forgive you the most. You have to live in a state of forgiveness. People tend to hurt the people they love and care about more than anyone. Friendship is about looking over the million little things we do wrong and love them anyway. I feel the need to text my friends and thank them for forgiving me a thousand times. I screw up, I make mistakes, I act like an idiot, and forgiveness is essential in this thing we call friendship.

Friendships are serious business. They tie our futures together. They are the people we share our lives with and invest in. The people we go to when things aren't going great and still the same people we go to to celebrate when they are.

As much as I say I like to be alone and am a loner, my life would not be even remotely as full if I didn't have my friends. As James Taylor would put it, "i've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend." The happiest times of my life have been when I was surrounded by my friends. I feel like my social anxiety and fear of rejection and whatever else I blogged about last kept me from fully investing in so many relationships. I build a good amount of walls because sometimes maybe I don't want to seem weak or needy. I like being independent and not thinking I have to rely on anyone or need anyone....this just secluded myself even more and always leaves me on the outside looking in (which is a rather lonely place I have come to find.) When you become vulnerable with other people and let them in, friendships are able to grow and life becomes even more beautiful because you have more people to share it with.

Annie Grace Shaffer, the best friend I could ever ask for. I have no idea what in the world I would do without her in my life. God bless her heart I am such a hard person to be friends with and she just stuck it out, i'm not even sure why....only because, like I said, she is the best friend I could ask for. The thing is, with all of my pitfalls I have blogged about, excluding people from my life is one of the side effects and that makes it hard to foster friendships, but Annie still did it and i'm so glad she did. These type of friendships gives me such a comfort knowing that when I am at work doing a lock-up and I have things going through my head with no cell service to consult anyone, my first thought is to write to Annie on the back of my sides. Knowing that I can go to her with anything and she will listen. That no matter what I do, she always forgives me and loves me anyway. Now that is friendship.

If I wrote about all my friendships I know you'd get bored, but I feel like i'm finally at the point in my life that I am surrounded by such a great group of people, where I finally have a nice core group of friends that I have been able to overcome my insecurities and be vulnerable with them and share my life with them, that I just need to share. I can't go on without also mentioning Aaron. My self proclaimed life partner and soul mate, it would seem. The amount of ease in conversation I have with sharing just anything about life with this kid is just....very comforting. I love having that person in my life, where we can sit on a swingset at night and just talk about how great our futures are gonna be, or go driving around for hours discussing our problems and talking through them together. Him putting up with me when I vent with him about certain people and crushes that i'm sure he could care less about. (sorry bout it, aaron, haha) Having that type of friendship makes the little things like finding fried chicken, walking around the beach, or going to a gibbon conservatory even more fun.

I can't keep writing paragraphs, but my roommates Erica and Kelly, some of my best friends here in LA as well. Never did I think I would enjoy someone just barging into my room (with a cat nonetheless) to talk. Never have I really had that living situation where I was always living with people I could have such good conversations with. From discussing our need to get more involved in volunteering and about our relationship with God and other people...to having them deal with my ramblings about my social awkwardness with people. (And then random spouts of getting mad at one another before emerging again to eat some sort of dessert or food together because getting frustrated with people and situations is life and hey, that too grows friendships, haha)

Anyway, all of this to say, friendships are important. I feel like they are probably even the building blocks to a happy and healthy life. It takes time, it takes commitment, it takes forgiveness, it takes vulnerability and confidence, but they are relationships that last a lifetime. Start building those bridges and investing in people, it is one of the best decisions i've ever made.

(also need to give a shout-out to another of my closest friends here, Edwin, who too has had to deal with my ridiculous musings, but who we have so much fun together and who also keeps me warm when the beach on the 4th of July is freaking freezing!)