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Currently evaluating my 'friends', presence, and time on Facebook. Will be back in a day or so....maybe.

Girls

So today I have ended up pretty much locking myself in my room and having a Girls marathon. I don't really expect many people that read my blog to know much about the show....nor would I really even encourage you to watch it, but it has been good for me today. Well first of all, let me just explain a bit. Girls is a show on HBO about a group of young adults who live in New York and are just trying to make it in the world. There really isn't any other show like it. Season 1 starts out with the main character, Hannah, who just recently graduated from college and is trying to find a job. She is interning and wants to be a writer. The very first episode starts outs with her eating dinner with her parents who have came to town to visit and kind of just tell her, it's time for her to start living on her own...financially. The show follows mainly the main character but also her group of friends, 3 other girls....and hence the title of the show.

Now that I kind of have you filled in on the basic gist of it, on to the reason why I am blogging about it. The thing is, I have been unemployed for a good amount of time now. I think this is actually the longest I have been in LA without having worked. It hasn't actually seemed that long because annie came to visit and there were wrap parties for the movie and annie came again and big bear and disneyland, but now that I have been sitting around the past couple days, I am realizing how long it has been and I have been feeling bad about it. And it isn't like I haven't been trying. I have been e-mailing as many people as I can. I have sent in my application on the staffmeup website. I have called central casting probably hundreds of times. I can't even be an extra! It is times like this when I...anyone...people in general get down and discouraged. Sometimes I forget that i'm not the only one in the world that is trying to make it, that doesn't always have it together and life figured out. I've been feeling a little like a failure in that I haven't been working, but after watching this show, I don't feel so singled out. I am 22. Sometimes I don't always have to have everything together. Not everyone my age has a steady job and everything figured out and that's ok. These girls on this show, they don't know what the heck they are doing. Sometimes they aren't employed and that's ok, they survive. Sometimes they feel overwhelmed by the world and that we need to have everything figured out and put together....and we don't. But who cares. A lot of us don't. We are all just trying to figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while to find a job and it isn't all our fault. We can only do the best we can and hope something ok comes out of it.

I gotta be honest, I am not really too much of a worrier, however I do tend to think about my finances a lot. I like to be careful, thoughtful, and conscientious with my money. I am rather frugal...and probably sometimes to the point of ridiculousness, but it has worked for me. That being said, because of my last movie, I do have enough money to pay for all my expenses for next month, which is always great. I don't mean to say in this next thought that i'm going to stop looking for a job...because honestly I think i will go mental if I don't get some sort of job soon, but I feel that at this point of my life, it's ok to not stress too much about being unemployed for a few weeks. Another job will come eventually. I feel like maybe I spend too much of my time stressing about finding a job or making sure i'll have enough money for all of my expenses, but at this point, I do and I have done the best that I can. I think I am finally coming to the point where I need to stop beating myself up over this fact, acting like i'm the only unemployed person out there.  I am not. But at least I am trying. At least I have enough for everything I need. I am only 22 and living the life of a PA, so I gotta live it up while I can, yea?

Anyway, I know this has been super long, but what else do I have to do. I mean, I did just write a novel about how I was unemployed so, there ya go, haha. I am going to try to stay in this headspace for as long as I can, because knowing me I will be back to feeling bad about it in no time....watching other shows and seeing other people's lives being successful and having a great old time at my age (I do that way to often) But for now, I guess i'll just chill and keep doing my thing. You can only do what you can do...and i'm doin it.



*Bonus encouragement from Girls...if needed.

Hannah as portrayed by Lena Dunham

So I guess I kinda ended this blog but there was also a part about Girls that I wanted to mention but now going back and rereading what I wrote, I wouldn't know where to add it...so i'll just throw it in down here. I just wanted to add how glad I am not only of the type of character(s) being played, but also what they look like. In a world where I watch tv and there are beautiful skinny people all over the place (I mean, one of the shows i'm mildly obsessed with is entitled PRETTY little liars for heavens sake) it is nice to see a 'normal' looking girl portrayed. The main character/creator/writer/director behind girls is lena dunham. And here would be typical Hannah ->.  I am NOT saying that she is ugly, I am just saying that she doesn't make me feel bad about myself when I see her and look down and notice the toll that catering/crafty has taken on me unlike most of all my other favorite characters on tv. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is. I just really appreciate the realness of these characters and I kind of wish there were more of them on tv. Cause nothin kills your self esteem like seeing Naya Rivera and Shay Mitchell on your screen every week, ain't nobody got time to live up to that!!

What I meant was

I know not too many people read this without me posting the link on Facebook, but even so I have been informed that my update's may be taken the wrong way.....and although I am good and happy, what I meant by my previous post is this,

“You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody’s one and only.”
              —Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

This time of night...

So it is at this time of night, especially, when my brain likes to beat itself up. I think we all do it. When we are just lying in bed and start questioning life. The little things, the big things, things that happened that day or will happen tomorrow. For me it is usually my lonely future. It is at this time of night where my self control really needs to kick in to stop me from updating my facebook status every night about this feeling. Tonight, I almost lost that fight. I almost posted a line from Missy Higgins 'Watering Hole' which I just so happened to embed in my last post. Just in case you still don't know what i'm talking about with the song (which, how dare you if you don't! go listen to it right now! it is a good song, haha ;) But the lyrics in question were: "But every night one by one all of the beasts I once ran from crawl out of the darkness and into my bed, these vultures of light they must be fed” ...which basically perfectly describes all my nights. But tonight, (and all day, actually) I have been listening to a new artist whose cd I downloaded today. Right when I went to update about this song, make everyone see what i've been feeling, a song came on. A song almost the opposite. Well, not really, but just a different way to handle these feelings I guess. Kind of like an answer to Watering Hole. Instead of letting these thoughts take over, you look at the positive. You remember the flowers and the sunrise and friends and you float in the water that tries to wash over you. The artist is Ben Howard and the song is entitled 'These Waters'. I was going to include my favorite line from the song, but when I went to go grab it I realized it was actually the first verse and a half and the chorus....but i'll go ahead and post it anyway, since it is my blog after all and I can do what I want. ;)

"And through it all, I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart. Yeah through it all, I fooled and fumbled, lost to the poet's frown. I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.
See these waters they'll pull you up, Oh now if you're bolder than the darkness. My my, let these songs be an instrument to cut, Oh spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness.Yeah my my, spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness"

Here is the song if you are to give it a listen.

As I understand it....

Sometimes, I feel a little lonely. And I can't really claim to be a lonely person all too often these days, because I have been able to meet so many people after moving to LA. At any given point in time I have a good amount of people I can text to occupy my time, but sometimes knowing that doesn't stop the loneliness from creeping in. I think it has to do with the depth of friendship as well with the people you encounter, text, and hang out with. I know there are a good amount of people who love me, I mean, mainly family, but recently more particularly....or rather kinda always I guess, their love can't fill this void and it agitates me when/if they think it can. I see so many people, especially now at my age, in loving relationships and freaking getting married and having kids. I mean, that's all good and well for them, but for people to want me to be content with love from my family my whole life is a little unfair. I am mainly writing this for myself to get it out, but if someone just happens to be reading this, can I offer to put you in my shoes for a minute. You are constantly surrounded by the images of love. Couples, engagements, marriages, dates, baby announcements. And there you sit. Always watching from the sidelines. Sometimes you try to stand up but no, the world keeps telling you to sit back down. You go to speak and try to stand up again but you are told that the love of your family and friends should be enough. Sure, you can watch everyone else enjoying their relationships, but you don't need that, YOU HAVE THE LOVE OF YOUR FAMILY FOR HEAVENS SAKE, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT ANYTHING MORE? You can put your own shoes back on now and go back to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. But why? Why do you have a companion to begin with? Is the love from your family and friends not good enough? Well of course it is good, and everyone needs that love. I don't know what I would do without it. But no, sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes we need a love different than our family and friends can give us. A love that will comfort you at the end of the day. To know that there is someone out there that cares about you, wants to hang out with you, smiles when you smile and cries when you cry. Someone to hold your hand in the good times and the bad. Someone to share your adventures and non-adventures with. To cozy up on the couch and keep you warm when it is cold. To share years and memories of all these times. I hear what you are saying. I have read into your comments. Because I am gay, I do not deserve to have these things. I shouldn't be able to feel the same things you feel and make the same memories you make. I should be content with the love of my friends and the love of my family. Amy stop being selfish. But the thing is. Sometimes I am. Sometimes when the nights are cold and lonely, your love isn't enough. Your love is too far away from me. Your love isn't the kind of love I can get by on for the rest of my life. You don't have to live that way so why should I? I know I am sounding needy at this point, but these are the thoughts that still sadden my nights when i'm left to an empty room and full computer screen. When all I see are happy couples and the thought that being my moms valentine on Valentines day is what my life is subject to.

Sorry to ramble, but that is what happens when i'm left with just me, my thoughts, and my loneliness on most nights. If you would like a perfect explanation in the form of a song, here it is. I have never heard this feeling been wrote about in such an honest and complete dead on way. And not just about love. But about all the thoughts that keep you up at night. Such an intriguing way to write it as well.

Traffic Thoughts

So I have this problem where when i'm stuck in my car (and especially in traffic) I come up with good blog ideas and motivate myself to finally write an update, but then by the time I get home and get on my computer, I get lost and distracted on other social media websites and 2 months have gone by and I haven't even opened up my blog. So here I am finally dusting off this blog again, but only of course after I have completely forgotten today what I had come on here to write. (I'm great at just never getting to a point or talking about anything really....it's a wonder if anyone is even reading this or reads this blog at all, haha. Good for you. The patience.) So anyway, I digress.

Oh yes, so a year ago today. (Look, I for once remembered something!) I'm not sure if you have seen this on my facebook, but I have this app called Timehop and it shows you all your status updates from a year, 2 years, 3 years, etc, ago today. It is actually pretty cool and it's fun looking back on what I was up to a year ago today. So this plays a part of my story, but I will for now put it on hold while I continue. Just keep it in the back of your mind when I mention it later.

So i've been working on this movie called Blood of Redemption. (also another reason why I have yet to have the strength to update this here blog. Basically, when I am on a movie, don't expect much from me except a random amount of facebook updates when I am doing a lock-up) We finally wrapped last night and oh my gosh, this movie. So for this movie, I had the unfortunate job of working crafty since that was a paying position and a PA wasn't. (PA meaning production assistant and crafty being craft service, having food and drinks available for the crew in between mean times...just for some people that might not know.) So anyway, turns out being crafty is the absolute worst job you can get on a movie set and I am definitely not cut out for it. It is especially terrible when you are being way underfunded and half of your budget is going to drinks and ice. The thing about crafty is, you have to please everyone. Everyone always wants something or expects something from you, but sometimes YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR THAT and people don't understand that. No one is ever happy because you can't produce what they want, you are always running out of food because you can only buy so much with the money you are given. If I never hear the phrase "do you have___" again, I will still have heard it more than I want to. I will stop ranting about crafty for a moment because in my desperation to escape people and soul sucking area known as crafty I would go and help the 2nd AD with some of her production stuff. This I think was one of the redeeming factors of the movie (if it had any at all) I made her and Aaron (who was Ket Set PA) put me to work as much as I could. I helped Stephenie (2nd AD) with her PR's (production reports) organized her paper work, helped with the daily time sheets, staple the maps to the call sheets, anything I could do really that would make me feel productive. I never really thought I would enjoy being a second AD because they are in the production office quite a bit, but after helping stephenie for this shoot, I realized it really isn't too terrible of a place if I ever do find myself in a position to work myself up to being a second AD. So anyway, now that I completely went off on another tangent of sorts.....

As much as I completely and utterly hated this movie at times (which I really did, this has probably been the most stressful project I have worked on) there were some good moments. I met some great people that made me laugh and I wouldn't mind working with again, I was able to learn how to do a production report, I was able to work with some other people i've worked with before again. Driving home from work, even on some of those days I felt defeated, I was reminded that even then, I would still much rather be doing this than what I was a year ago. Yesterday Annie, Edwin and I took a mad tour of downtown. We spent our day waaalking and walking, but having fun and enjoying each others company (and eating of course.) And it was either yesterday or the day before when Edwin had told me that he finally finished watching my little documentary I did of my senior year last year. He reminded me of the little voice over part I did at the end, where I mentioned looking forward to the new people I was going to meet wherever I ended up.....that that he and Aaron were indeed the new people I met! This is true. I am reminded daily of how far I have come in a year. Yesterdays status updates from a year ago today included the quotes: "It would be very nice to have a friend again. I would like that even more than a date" and "I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not knowing things sometimes."See a year ago today I was reading one of my all time favorite books, The Perks of Being A Wallflower and very much sympathizing with the main character. But I can't help but only look back and smile and think that even though this job kinda sucked for me, look at where I am today. I have found some truely great friends where I no longer feel the pain in those quotes. While I might get a little defeated, at the end of the day I am working on a movie in LA and at the end of the month it will be over and I will find my next project (hopefelly, if anyone is reading this and is in LA...i'm looking for work! haha)

So while I know this update has been the approximate length of a novel so far, it was one of my 'traffic thoughts.' How kinda sad my life was a year ago at this time (I mean, I had good times, don't get me wrong buuut...) and how grateful I am that in the middle of chaos and frustration, at least you have some good friends to share some memories with, and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

And i'm not letting it bury me anymore... (Bring the beat in)

Ok. Been debating writing this blog for quite some time now. Still not decided if I want to post the link to it on Facebook where a couple people might actually read it or just wait it out since i'm sure not many people would read it unless I post it on Facebook. (see how i'm already avoiding the main topic?) But people say they don't want to talk about important things over the internet or how we shouldn't document our personal lives on the computer....except the thing is, that is kinda exactly what this blog is about. And to be honest, a lot of people wouldn't know much about me or what i'm up to if it wasn't for the internet. And this is my space and this is where i've gone to sort through thoughts and a place I would go on a lonely night. Its been here and is almost like a little diary for me sometimes. A diary that I happen to put on the internet and crazily offer people to read. I figured since I let you into my mind (as the smaller header indicates, haha) it wouldn't be honest if I didn't share a part that has influenced this blog.

At my age and even at the start of college, or better yet high school...heck, we can take it back to middle school and even preschool, people are always asking about boyfriends or if there is anyone you (proverbial) like or are talking to. It is just something that our society and culture is interested in I guess. Or maybe it is just a good conversation filler, I don't know. But these questions are always more frequent around my age....and when everyone you know is getting engaged or having babies. Luckily for me, I guess people have stopped trying....or maybe they thought they would know already since I post way too much on facebook, haha. I normally try not to discuss my singleness because then it becomes awkward and people are assuring me how great I am and of course I will find someone some day. Well, you know, I know i'm awesome. I think I would be a great girlfriend. (Depending on your definition of fun) I am a fun person and would like to make myself think I can make people laugh on occasion. But the thing is, you really don't want me to be dating someone. I've seen it on Facebook, I hear it when you talk, you've flat out told me it would be better not to and I can see it in the voting polls. You may be thinking to yourself, 'i've never said anything of the sort!' buuut, there is one thing you may not know, and that is if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a guy. I'm not attracted to them, never really have been. And you can make excuses and people have told me I haven't found the right guy yet, but you're just fooling yourself. I can't make myself magically become attracted to a guy as much as I can't magically make you become attracted to a girl...or a guy, whichever gender you may happen to be. We can't choose the people we like, and trust me my life would be so much easier if I could, because I still have no idea why anyone would want to choose to be gay....just look at the number of gay teen suicides and the amount of bullying, hate, and disgust they receive. People look down on you and choose not to acknowledge your relationships and treat them as inferior. In only 9 of 50 states are gays given the same rights. And it isn't just about the term 'marriage' but the fact that there are a number of legal and financial rights and benefits given to only married couples.

Alright, alright, this update wasn't to discuss the plight of gay people, so I apologize, if anyone is still reading at this point. I knowI have already told a handful of people and if you have really read a few of my other posts you may not be tooo surprised....or maybe you just didn't catch on and you are....and if so, I am sorry. I kind of thought that maybe this whole situation had just gotten to the 'don't ask don't tell' point because really, I mean really, you are reading this now so you surely have read some of my other posts and Facebook. Regardless, after telling some people I have honestly felt much better. I felt like there was this huge thing that was always weighing me down and the more I got it out, the easier it was. It is who I am and after tears, after confusion, after prayer, after being mad at God, after acceptance and after everything, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking i'm someone that i'm not. I don't want people to assume that one day I am gonna come home with a boyfriend or that I will get married one day. So when I make posts saying I will never get married or get engaged, this is why. As much as I wish I was joking and being dramatic, i'm really not. So I guess this is the life I am left with. I didn't choose it, but it was dealt to me. Maybe I won't know what it's like to bring someone home to meet the family, to get married and to be a soccer mom, but such is life.....

I had sworn I would take this to my grave not telling anyone, and that made me feel better about it. But after so many years, it just weighs you down and I feel like I am finally at the point in my life where I really don't care anymore and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I feel like everything is finally falling into place. I am happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and I am ready to start off 2013 perfectly. I just needed to get this out, to finally just be free and happy and honest. It will be terrifying to hit that publish button and share this with everyone given everyones stance on the issue (not a favorable one) but this is MY life and i'm not letting it bury me anymore.