As it turns out, I have a rather low self esteem

Today I had to be an extra on the movie I am working on. Originally they told me to bring upscale clothes because the scene takes place outside a high-end fashion mall. I reluctantly agreed to try to come up with something in my wardrobe that could make people believe I had any ounce of upscaleness in me. (I told them I would make a great homeless person, 12 year old boy, or hiker if they wanted to take me to Yosemite, but I wasn't making any promises for this scene.) We ended up coming up with an outfit to wear and as I was heading to set the wardrobe girl was saying how cute I looked. She mentioned it to someone else, who agreed, as I was nodding my head no. I didn't believe them and ignored anyone else who tried to chime in, in the nicest way possible.

So this update may be a little tooo personal for anyone to really care about, but this thing has kind of turned into a space for me get things out and work through life, so here it is.

Growing up I was always one of the smallest if not THE smallest person in the class. I have since kinda grown into a normal size, but I still kind of miss not being the shortest. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way tall, but I liked being short. ...shorter than average. I felt as if it was easier to get lost in the crowed, to go unnoticed. I've had the same hair and basically clothes style all my life, for fear of changing things up too much would draw any unwanted attention to myself. People notice when you do or wear things out of the ordinary. I didn't/don't want anyone to notice me, so I stick with what I and what others know.

I know feeling this way is probably typical of moost people. Who isn't insecure about something about themselves? Not everyone, I feel, looks in the mirror and thinks 'yes! i'm the greatest!' That doesn't mean there aren't days when I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself, but for the most part, I just think...'this'll have to do' or 'I wonder if I might be pretty if I didn't have all this stupid acne covering up almost all my dumb face.' We all got things to work on.

Recently I have re-discovered my social anxiety. Not that it ever wasn't there, but it has been all too clear recently which made me announce again that yep, pretty sure I get social anxiety. And does that in and of itself fruit from a low self-esteem? That would make sense, right? Or maybe it is different, I don't know. But i'm sure it is at least related.

For example, why do I always assume people dislike me? I always do it. I always think everyone hates me, doesn't want to talk with me or ever hang out. I say I don't care if people like me and I don't care what people think of me, but deep down inside, I want them to like me. Nothing wrong with that.

So here I am, yet again blogging about my insecurities and shortcomings. I feel like I blog about this a lot, and for that i'm sorry. But hey, who needs a therapist! Look at all the things i've worked out recently! haha. Well anyway, not even sure there is anything I can do about all of these things, just accepting and working through them has been alright I guess. I could say i'm gonna start accepting compliments and hoping those things won't make me uncomfortable anymore...but i'm sure they would. I could somehow try to figure out a way to make myself believe that I am likable and people actually might like me as a person and not that everyone hates me, but i'm sure that wouldn't last long either. It's just something to live with and try to work on the best I can...like admitting it to people. I feel it's always gonna be hard for me when I am put in social situations and that just lowers my self-esteem even more and heightens my weariness and fear of rejection. What a vicious cycle I get myself into.

Anyway, if there is anyone out there reading this that too feels like they have social anxiety or a low self-esteem, you ain't the only one. I feel ya. We can be sisters or brothers in this fight against the world. Know that you are great, and I would want to talk to YOU at a party or social occasion. Maybe sometimes it is ok that we feel a little down on ourselves, but it is also ok for us to sometimes feel good about ourselves, because we are special too. Don't let the extroverts fool you into believing the ones that need to be the center of attention are the only ones that are good enough to receive compliments and make new friends at places, because that's where I will be, in the corner avoiding attention with you and we'll have a great time doin it.

There will be no resting in peace

There has been a rather morbid recurring theme in my life this past week or so, and that is death. It kind of started with the news of Cory Monteith dying, then driving past a cemetery back and forth between base camp and where we filming one day this week, then onto a funeral scene we were doing in a church and I just started a new book where the whole first chapter is about the death of this woman's mother. While at this fake funeral, it got me thinking again about what I would want my funeral to be like....(and nothing like this funeral that is happening in this movie)

I hope I don't go anytime soon, but just in case of a tragic accident, i'mma share real quick how I would hope my post death dealings would go. Well first of all, what's the deal with burying people's bodies in caskets forever? Driving past the cemetery really got me thinking about that as well. Like, that is kind of weird to me. I would really hope that if at all possible I could donate some portion of my body that is still viable to another person who is actually living that needs it. Heck, I would be dead, what do I need it for? Anyway, although the thought of just being buried is weird to me, cremation and dealing with ashes and urns seem kinda weird to me too. Anyway, we can get back to that later. 

Funerals normally are so sad, people talk, hymns are sung, you are sitting or standing in pews in a church. That seems so formal. No, when I go there better not be any sad faces in the house. I would hate to even call it a funeral because that is a depressing word in and of itself. You know what would be so much funner than a funeral? Just a party. Skip the stupid gather in a church thing. I hope everyone that I love just gathers around, listens to music, eats a lot of my favorite foods, and enjoys each others company. (there better be chocolate cake and fried chicken or I will be really disappointed in whoever planned this shindig) Sure you can still have someone come up and talk if you neeed to, but listen, we've all heard whatever any pastor or generic little message would be said. If we are all gonna sing a song together (i'll be there in spirit), I don't want it to be some slow opera sounding hymn. no. we can sing a song with a violin, electric guitar, piano, and a drum. It'll be a song about love. While y'all will be singing about God's love (you can pick a song from Mosaic that I have used in a Facebook update if you want), I will be up there partying it up and singing with you. There will be no mention of the words "rest in peace" because no, I will not be resting, I will be having the time of my life with the person that loves me the most. I will be the happiest I have ever been in my life. You guys are gonna be jealous of me...I am already jealous of the people that have already passed and are partying it up in heaven right now without me! (I mean, just think about it guys, how fun is it going to be when we all die? (...and hopefully all meet up in heaven) It's gonna be so great I can't even wait.) Anyway, enough about heaven, so point being, I just hope everyone has a good time (and also eats cotton candy, I forgot to mention that too.) Gather at someone's house, have a party in the forest (that would be awesome!), go on a hike for me, or heck even a camping trip, take your pick.

I got a text earlier this week (and once again playing on my theme) from my roommates that they were talking about how they were going to spread my ashes when I die. (Not random at all or anything) One of them said she thought i'd like to be spread over many countries and pretty places (and that she would take me to Italy.) The more I thought about that....well yea! of course that sounds like the perfect thing to do with me when I die! The ground doesn't need anymore bodies and I hear caskets are expensive! ...don't even bother with an urn, those things are tacky looking. A plastic bag in a cardboard box would be just fine! ...ok, so, I know that would be weird to be carrying around ashes, but sure, hand 'em out to all my friends and family when they go somewhere fun. Spread me across the world! It is in these times when I remember again how meaningless our physical bodies are and how short our time on earth is. It's a good reminder not to take life so seriously and worry about such trivial things. 

ANYWAY, i'm sure if anyone is reading this they have had enough of my talk and odd morbidness...although it didn't really seem that morbid to me! we all gotta die! better make the most of it, haha. Well thanks for baring with me. I'm sure if I go at 104 even (wouldn't that be a hoot, haha) no one will have read or even remember this, but still, hoping this all happens when the time comes. Thanks for baring with me. 

Love you crazy fools! 

Hello

Long time no talk, people. Not even sure what last I updated, but it doesn't matter all too much because Facebook tends to do that for me. July is now officially underway and I can't believe this year is already halfway over! Last month was both unproductive and productive at the same time. At the beginning of the month I was just finishing up a movie then went home for a little bit, which was a great time.

It is during these times when I feel a little weird about my work situation. I feel like I haven't worked in a month (which I kinda haven't) and although this work schedule is not new to me, I am still trying to justify it. I always feel like a lazy bum when i'm not working on a movie, but I have found some ways to combat this.

...I guess I did work a few days on a movie at the beginning of June (woo! not too bad) then spent some time with friends and seeing a screening of a movie I worked on before heading home. Being home was great because although there were some jobs I ended up not being able to do, I didn't have any staff PA jobs for a movie going on, so I was able to just hang out with the family and not feel bad about being home and away from any work. Plus, I got to work basketball camp...so being somewhat productive and somewhat working a little bit. After a couple weeks it was back to LA where we went to Disney and hung out. June was rounded off with extraing a couple days on True Blood, so although when I go through these days of not working for a while, I make myself feel better knowing that I diiid work that basketball camp, and those 2 days at True Blood, and that one day at the world record show.

When you aren't employed, obviously it can sometimes drive you nuts. Luckily, I am surrounded by a great group of people that keep me company in these times. At least I can save money on groceries by preparing my stomach for a food fest with friends in which I ate myself to death. At least I have friends to celebrate a late birthday with me by hitting up Disney for the day after a great morning at Mosaic. At least I can be an extra a few days a month between projects to be around a set and make some extra money. At least I have friends that invite me to see pre-screenings of movies so I don't have to go pay to see them. At least I have friends that come in to town that cook and go hiking with me so i'm not stuck in my bed or on my couch during my unemployment feelin like a fool.

All this to say, I have technically been unemployed as a PA for the past month, but I don't even mind anymore. Luckily small odd jobs come up, I can still pay my bills, and its been fun hanging out with friends and family the past month. Tomorrow is July 4th, so it is sure to be filled with good times with friends, then starting Friday luckily it is back to the grind of a steady job the rest of the month! (woo!) I work a day of pre-production in the office Friday, one last day of being an extra on Aaron's movie Sunday (chosen by Paul Thomas Anderson himself, everyone, haha ;) ) and then we start shooting the movie i'm PAing for on Monday until August! Although it has been a great month, i'm suuuuper ready for the next movie!!!

Edit:
Also a friendly shout out to youtube and new tv series that ALSO keep me quite a bit of company during unemployment. ORPHAN BLACK WHAT UUUUP?!?!

Happy

So I just got done watching a documentary entitled 'Happy' on Netflix. I feel I am a rather odd being, in that some moments I can be very happy and content with life, then the next....not so much. So I have always been kind of fascinated with happiness. I have always known (or thought I had known) what brings me happiness, just achieving and finding it could be hard at times. This documentary brings you from the bayous of Louisiana to the slums of India to the community housing in Denmark and hundred year olds in Okinawa Japan. The film features men and women who study happiness and interview different people around the world about their life and their happiness. While I pretty much knew the route this documentary was going to take, and I believe happiness comes from everything they talked about, it was still nice and one could even say refreshing watching it documented and lived out in front of me.

One of the first interviewee's was an older gentleman who lived in Louisiana and found his happiness in cruisin along the bayou on his boat, being surrounded by nature and wildlife and beautiful sunsets. All his family and friends lived within a however many mile radius and they would come together at least once a week and sit a table full of....crawdads?....and talk and have a good time. This is happiness.

Another family that was interviewed was a single mother living in a cohousing facility in Denmark. She lived in a space shared by a handful of families and everyone kind of took care of and looked out for one another. They would take turns cooking dinner and all gather together to enjoy a meal. The woman said that her life had kind of been hard, living on her own, then she found this cohousing community and it helped her out, it gave her a sense of community. This is happiness.

Another country the documentary visited was Bhutan, where in recent years they have started focusing more on their gross national happiness than their gross national product. This is a country that has said, we don't need the wealthiest people and the most money, we just want to be happy, and that is the kind of place I would want to live. While they have the resources to use their land as a way of economic gain by selling out to India, they would have to lose numerous sacred landmarks and cut down forests and tranquil places, and that is when they measure the gross national happiness v. gross national product. Sometimes the solitude, nature, and historic landmarks are worth more than money can buy. This is happiness.

Okinawa Japan has come to be known as the island with the oldest population. There are too many residents to count that are enjoying life well into their hundreds. And they are a community, they look out for each other, they take care of each other. They practice compassion and love and hard work and community. They all live as a family and come together to dance, to do community projects and to have a good time. When someone in their community goes through a hard time, they are there to pick them up, no questions asked. This unconditional love and community, this is happiness.

In the documentary they obviously interview some young, eager professional that thinks money equates with happiness, and enters the home of a young woman from Japan whose husband died essentially from working too much. While a number of people think they will find happiness in external ways, such as money, status, and possessions it is constantly proven over and over again that happiness is found in relationships, doing something and believing in something bigger than yourself, other people's happiness. It isn't a constant state or one that comes to you....the declaration of independence said it right in that it is a pursuit. Strangely enough, 50% of our happiness is genetics, 10% is made up of our possessions and our circumstances, but 40% of the rest of it is up to us, how we choose to focus our time and energy and how we react to certain situations.

For me, I have always found happiness in nature and, believe it or not, other people. Sometimes, I need my solitude...maybe and probably even more than the average human. Kinda weird, I know, but when i'm stressed, I find a secluded place in nature and just chill (or drive) for a bit. It is home to me and sometimes puts me back together. As much as I sometimes admit that I do not like people (which I should probably work on that) I have found that a little human interaction can do wonders to your mood. I have actually gone days and probably on multiple occasions when I did not talk to another soul. I have also found that on those days, I was most prone to slip into my sad days. One conversation or visit with a friend could turn that whole day around. A day spent with friends and/or family, that sometimes is worth more than any material possession. It is about being in places that you enjoy and with people that you love and having people that love you back. This. This is happiness.

Facebook

Currently evaluating my 'friends', presence, and time on Facebook. Will be back in a day or so....maybe.

Girls

So today I have ended up pretty much locking myself in my room and having a Girls marathon. I don't really expect many people that read my blog to know much about the show....nor would I really even encourage you to watch it, but it has been good for me today. Well first of all, let me just explain a bit. Girls is a show on HBO about a group of young adults who live in New York and are just trying to make it in the world. There really isn't any other show like it. Season 1 starts out with the main character, Hannah, who just recently graduated from college and is trying to find a job. She is interning and wants to be a writer. The very first episode starts outs with her eating dinner with her parents who have came to town to visit and kind of just tell her, it's time for her to start living on her own...financially. The show follows mainly the main character but also her group of friends, 3 other girls....and hence the title of the show.

Now that I kind of have you filled in on the basic gist of it, on to the reason why I am blogging about it. The thing is, I have been unemployed for a good amount of time now. I think this is actually the longest I have been in LA without having worked. It hasn't actually seemed that long because annie came to visit and there were wrap parties for the movie and annie came again and big bear and disneyland, but now that I have been sitting around the past couple days, I am realizing how long it has been and I have been feeling bad about it. And it isn't like I haven't been trying. I have been e-mailing as many people as I can. I have sent in my application on the staffmeup website. I have called central casting probably hundreds of times. I can't even be an extra! It is times like this when I...anyone...people in general get down and discouraged. Sometimes I forget that i'm not the only one in the world that is trying to make it, that doesn't always have it together and life figured out. I've been feeling a little like a failure in that I haven't been working, but after watching this show, I don't feel so singled out. I am 22. Sometimes I don't always have to have everything together. Not everyone my age has a steady job and everything figured out and that's ok. These girls on this show, they don't know what the heck they are doing. Sometimes they aren't employed and that's ok, they survive. Sometimes they feel overwhelmed by the world and that we need to have everything figured out and put together....and we don't. But who cares. A lot of us don't. We are all just trying to figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while to find a job and it isn't all our fault. We can only do the best we can and hope something ok comes out of it.

I gotta be honest, I am not really too much of a worrier, however I do tend to think about my finances a lot. I like to be careful, thoughtful, and conscientious with my money. I am rather frugal...and probably sometimes to the point of ridiculousness, but it has worked for me. That being said, because of my last movie, I do have enough money to pay for all my expenses for next month, which is always great. I don't mean to say in this next thought that i'm going to stop looking for a job...because honestly I think i will go mental if I don't get some sort of job soon, but I feel that at this point of my life, it's ok to not stress too much about being unemployed for a few weeks. Another job will come eventually. I feel like maybe I spend too much of my time stressing about finding a job or making sure i'll have enough money for all of my expenses, but at this point, I do and I have done the best that I can. I think I am finally coming to the point where I need to stop beating myself up over this fact, acting like i'm the only unemployed person out there.  I am not. But at least I am trying. At least I have enough for everything I need. I am only 22 and living the life of a PA, so I gotta live it up while I can, yea?

Anyway, I know this has been super long, but what else do I have to do. I mean, I did just write a novel about how I was unemployed so, there ya go, haha. I am going to try to stay in this headspace for as long as I can, because knowing me I will be back to feeling bad about it in no time....watching other shows and seeing other people's lives being successful and having a great old time at my age (I do that way to often) But for now, I guess i'll just chill and keep doing my thing. You can only do what you can do...and i'm doin it.



*Bonus encouragement from Girls...if needed.

Hannah as portrayed by Lena Dunham

So I guess I kinda ended this blog but there was also a part about Girls that I wanted to mention but now going back and rereading what I wrote, I wouldn't know where to add it...so i'll just throw it in down here. I just wanted to add how glad I am not only of the type of character(s) being played, but also what they look like. In a world where I watch tv and there are beautiful skinny people all over the place (I mean, one of the shows i'm mildly obsessed with is entitled PRETTY little liars for heavens sake) it is nice to see a 'normal' looking girl portrayed. The main character/creator/writer/director behind girls is lena dunham. And here would be typical Hannah ->.  I am NOT saying that she is ugly, I am just saying that she doesn't make me feel bad about myself when I see her and look down and notice the toll that catering/crafty has taken on me unlike most of all my other favorite characters on tv. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is. I just really appreciate the realness of these characters and I kind of wish there were more of them on tv. Cause nothin kills your self esteem like seeing Naya Rivera and Shay Mitchell on your screen every week, ain't nobody got time to live up to that!!

What I meant was

I know not too many people read this without me posting the link on Facebook, but even so I have been informed that my update's may be taken the wrong way.....and although I am good and happy, what I meant by my previous post is this,

“You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody’s one and only.”
              —Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl