Saint Ferdinand

I have made 133 blog posts on this website since 2011. 2011 I was a junior in college and I believe i mainly started this blog after having to start one for my third year writing class. Back in April when I rediscovered this here blog I had a great(?), interesting time going back and re-reading a lot of those blog entries. Boy did I have a lot to say (not really, haha). But it got me thinking....how the heck did I even come up with the ideas to write half the stuff I did!! For a small portion of time on this blog I would make posts about songs I was listening to at the time (it was fun going back and relistening to some of those blast from the past songs I had posted back in 2011.) Anyway, a new album came out recently that I have been listening to so I figured might as well bring the song posts back!! 

One artist that I am a fan of is Lauren Daigle. She is mainly a Christian artist but like others before her, she is dipping her toe into the secular world (to much disdain and criticism from the christian community of course- the least loving, accepting, and forgiving community i have ever seen. ...but back to Lauren!) Her voice has hints of Adele (who obviously I love and am obsessed with), Joss Stone, just a really soulful, beautiful voice. Her new album was released last month and it is self titled (though this is her third album) and is the most "her" album. 

My favourite song is entitled Saint Ferdinand. Not sure why I love it so much, but I keep just listening to it on repeat. I don't even know what (or who) Saint Ferdinand is to her, it makes me want to do a search to see if she has done an interview explaining what this song means to her and what Saint Ferdinand is. To me, this song really makes me feel/think about my relationship with (and mainly leaving) the church and experiencing life outside of it. I have spent a very very large chunk of my life in the church, to various levels, and seeing the good and the bad. Unfortunately, the bad just got worse and....sometimes, just for your own mental health, you have to walk away from something that is damaging you more than helping you. So to me, Saint Ferdinand is my journey in Los Angeles. 

Please take a listen and the video i'm posting is the lyric video so i'll leave those out of the post this time. I think I just want to highlight maybe a few lyrics to explain a little more why I feel the way I do about the song. (Other than maybe the obvious) 

'These streets may not look pretty but I see angels walking in the city' 

    -When I hear these lyrics, I think of the bad reputation Los Angeles (or even the secular world) has. Even just physically, LA can be a gross dirty place. But I have found so many good, genuine people out here. Literally angels in my life. The very community that the world (ok fine, republican conservatives mainly) keeps attacking have shown me so much love and joy and community and family that although they keep getting a bad rap and los angeles may be portrayed some sort of way, it is still filled with angels. 

'Maybe I loved you more than you loved me. Maybe life's got a way of bringing you to your knees'

    

    -Still again my relationship with the church. I loved it so much. I attended, i served. I gave it everything I had. They didn't love me back. Maybe too much noise from the Trump christians is all I heard, but that was enough. While I do feel the tides are s l o w l y changing with acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, it isn't there and frankly, I don't really feel comfortable in church anymore after repeatedly hearing what they have to say about it. They done did break me and that is their fault. 

'Saint Ferdinand my wonderland wild and strange where vagabonds play. Saint Ferdinand not what I planned for my fate but i'm gonna stay'

    -If you would've told me when I was younger that I would be living in Los Angeles I would've been like.....'huh? Say what? Really?' I don't really even know what I envisioned for my older self when I was younger, but I can tell you I wouldn't bet that this is how my relationship with the christian community would go. This other community that i've found- wild and strange full of vagabonds, they ARE  my community. They love me better. They love me the best. 

I hope everyone was able to listen and love this song, even for not the same reason that I love it. And that's what makes music so great, it can make us all feel different things in different ways. I didn't really intend to go where I went when I started this post, and I guess I should apologize as I do know I still have a lot of people in my life in the church, but I just had to share my experience and maybe it can help you in your own christian journey being a little more understanding and welcoming to those outside of it. Most of the soap box i've been on is a post for another day, but I did want to add before ending this post that while my feelings toward the church and christians have soured, my faith and relationship with Christ is something I still hold dear and find comfort in. My hope is that one day (probably after i'm gone, if ever) we can all hold each other dear and love and respect each other even with our differences. Until then, Saint Ferdinand. 
 

After The Rain The Sun Always Shines

 Not gonna lie, the past month or so has been a little hard for me. As I mentioned in my last post I have been unemployed. ....to be frank, I have been unemployed more than I have been employed this year. The TV show that I had been working on shut down on multiple occasions and the most recent shut down has lasted 2 months. It just came at a very unfortunate time as all the union's contracts are set to expire so contract negotiations are happening and the studios have basically slowed down (or stopped) making any new content until these negotiations are settled, so the industry is very slow at the moment. Funnily enough, my show finally starts back up next week....just in time for the writers to go on strike. 🤣 (The WGA (Writers Guild) has until May 1st to settle a new contract with AMPTP (Producers) and if they do not settle on a new contract, the WGA has voted to go on strike which would shut the whole industry down until they come to terms.) 

And now that you are up on all the latests Hollywood news....back to me, haha. To be honest, for the past little while I have actually toyed with the idea of finding a job outside of the film industry. The hours sometimes on set make the thought of working even 12 hours a day a dream. But this time away from set and searching job board after job board looking for another career made me realize....what the heck else can I do? haha. It's HARD having a career change. And certainly takes work. Plus i'm lazy! And I will admit....while being a DGA member can be brutal sometimes (with hours and whatnot) you DO get paid for it so it's really a hard industry to look out of, especially comparing rates and such, haha. 

As i've been spending so much time on my computer looking for other work and job opportunities, all of my closest friends have been traveling around Japan. As many of you know, I love to travel and take pride in my country count. Back in the old days I would be finishing an international trip and planning my next one! Japan has always been near the top of my 'Countries to Visit Soon' list so the fact that I couldn't join them was just a bummer. And the worst part was, I actually had the time. I'm not working. But I guess that in and of itself is the problem. Can't pay for a trip if you don't have a job! I know this post is a lot about 'woe is me' but I found this website again and I said I would start updating more and, like I said I have the time so this is the only content I have at the moment. 

That being said, in my extra spare time i've had, I've really started to notice and enjoy the flowers that have started to bloom all around town. There are literally small flowers mixed in the grass, coming out of the bushes, they are everywhere! It honestly brings the 'April showers bring May flowers' to life. And i'd like to think that nature parallels life and I know my flowers will soon be in bloom. I'm not sure how much you know about weather in LA, but this season it has been RAINY. Like, rainy and cold like no other. So much of california has been in a drought for AGES and after the amount of rain we have seen, much of the state is finally out of their warnings. And you know what? The state has never been more beautiful. I've always said that LA looks its most beautiful after a rain. The brown hills for a moment turn green. The rain washes the smog away and we can breathe again. It really is when LA is at its finest. So here we are now after a season full of rain and now we get to be surrounded by flowers in bloom, green foothills, and the sight of snow still covering the mountains in the distance. 

Maybe these last few months have been a little rainy for me. The sun hasn't always shown and i've had to sit under the ominous clouds wondering what I could do when the sun wasn't out. And that's about all I could do really, just enjoy the rain as much as I can until the sun shines again. Like I said I finally start back on my show on Monday and at least i'll get a solid week's worth of work in, and that is much needed. Last year I never would have thought I would be so excited for a week of work, but life really runs in cycles doesn't it. The looming writers strike doesn't quite emote a sunny forecast ahead, but like they say - after the rain, the sun always shines. Maybe this rain will bring the biggest bloom yet. 

Hello Again

 Holy Cow. I COMPLETELY forgot this website/blog ever existed and during my current unemployment, one thing led to another and here we are!! 

To be honest what brought me back here (other than unemployed despair) was my seeking of an old document I started years ago (but somehow after my latest post on here, which leads me to believe I had already forgotten about this website then) which I started just in case I felt the need, IN ALL OF MY WISDOM, to start a book, lol. I mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn but there is some good stuff in there! Anyway, it led me to my (also forgotten) old tumblr which led me here! I will admit i've gone through and read some of my old posts and what a journey, haha! (Still can't believe this thing dates back to 2011) 

Now you may be thinking (you aren't), Amy, go back real quick to that part about you writing a book. Way back when (maybe 2018??) I thought I had some insightful things to say so I started a little document titled, 'a book' you know, just in case. But what I realized is most of the things I had written down in there were more like a journal entry.....unsurprisingly, like this exact platform I am writing to you now. It's like I forgot this website existed and my soul knew I still needed some form of escape from my brain so I started that doc not even remembering I had already started this platform AGES ago! The crazy thing is, earlier this morning I was over there writing in this what I had newly titled a 'journal' instead of 'book'. I do think some of those entries still might be a little too personal, or embarrassing, or raw, but maybe down the line i'll transfer that 'book' over here to this blog so those words won't go to waste. 

Because i'm Me, I do believe everything happens for a reason and I think I was meant to stumble upon this blog again. It has actually been so crazy to go back and re-read some of the posts i've made and i'm pretty happy with my younger self for going on this little literary journey. In this current age where the only thing you present to this world is a picture that goes away after 24 hours, or if they are really important ones pictures that you post forever or a sentence on FB or 140 characters on twitter, but sometimes that isn't enough to release the thoughts swirling in your head. I went back and looked at the subtitle on this blog- A glimpse inside the happenings in my head. Apparently I had so much to say when I was younger. 77 posts in 2011, 27 posts in 2012, 17 in 2013 and so on. Less and less posts as the years go by. I'd like to think it's because I was getting smarter and there were less ominous things happening in my head, and supposedly i'm a grown up now and we don't overshare, especially on the internet. But I think i'm going to challenge myself to start writing on this blog again. I doubt anyone will read it, but if nothing else and I forget again in a years time that this space exists, I can see what I had to say in April of 2023. 

I think I MAY even just start this next chapter of blogging by going back and sharing my very first 'book' entry from my "not a blog blog post" haha. The thing I am kind of longing for a little bit in this....i'm not gonna call it an experiment...my re-introduction to blogging, is- do y'all remember or did you ever have Xanga? Man that was the SITE when I was in highschool. Honestly, it served us well I think. The thing I loved about it was that is wasn't just a blogging website, everyone had their own and were constantly commenting on each others blog entries and it was a little community. You were able to REALLY KNOW how people were and how their week was, not just by knowing what they were up to by seeing one picture they posted with emoji's as the caption. oooh but that was a different time. And now i'm rambling, but for no one in particular because like I said, (did I even say this?) we are ADULTS now so we are way too busy to be reading rambling blog posts anymore, that was for high school, haha. 

I digress. I'll wrap this up so I can go jump into year 2011 and see what young 21 year old me had to say. Should I post these to Facebook? Will anyone read them? Does anyone care? Do *I* care? I'm just gonna be over here writing things until someone in the film industry decides to work again.....

2016, what a year

2016- 

Some would say it hasn't been a great year, and in many aspects, it was pretty bad; but in SOME it was awesome. Let me tell you why, in spite of all of the bad things that happened, why it was also such a great year to look back on: 

-I rung in my New Year on a train from Chicago to Portland. I got to finally see Crater Lake, drive the Columbia River Gorge and the Oregon Coast, and meet some great people all along the way. 

-I was introduced to the restaurant The Pan. 

-I got to run base camp again for the second season of Casual and work with great people that I’ve come to adore. 

-I finally saw the Book of Mormon with my roommates

-I got another tattoo.

-I got to go to Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Italy, Slovenia, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, and Sweden with my best friends and it was the trip of a lifetime. 

-Thomas went to a Missy Higgins concert with me

-After 4 years of living in LA I finally went to Santa Barbara. 

-I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity and helped build a house

-Finally went to Knotts Berry Farm for the first time. 

-I got to run base camp again for my all time favorite show Superstore. Friendships were made,  friendships were grown, laughter was had, television was made. 

-I got to see Adele live and in concert 3 times. THREE TIMES. What a dream. I am so lucky. 

-I took a road trip in Northern California to see the Redwoods and drive the Avenue of the Giants. They were beautiful. 

-I took a 24 hour speed trip through New York City. What a great city.

-Finally ate a Philly Cheese Steak in Philly. 

-Visited Baltimore and got to hang out with my cousins, Kaycee and Hannah. 

-I got accepted to join the DGA and am on the third area and commercial qualification list.

-I was the 1st AD for my first two AD projects that counted towards my AD days. (And 1st AD’d for the first time)

-Me and the roommates finally redecorated our living room by getting rid of 2 couches, 2 chairs, a bar with 2 bar stools, and got a brand new sectional couch, an entertainment unit, another unit for our kitchen, and mounted our tv. It’s like a whole new place! 

-I did an escape room with some friends and co-workers. We were so close to making it out alive. So close. But, we ended up being gassed by our captive. What a fun afternoon. 

-I got to go home for Thanksgiving for the first time in at least a few years. 

-I went to Iceland and explored ice caves, glaciers, waterfalls, and black sand beaches. 

-I finally saw the Northern lights. 

-Got to spend another Christmas surrounded by my family who were all healthy and alive. I love them all very much. 

Wowee. Can you even imagine someone saying 2016 wasn’t a great year? So many firsts, even some seconds. It was a blast. I am so lucky to live the life I do. I love almost every minute. AND I didn’t even mention all the TV that I watch! So many great shows this year too! ;) As I start thinking about 2017 and what all it has to offer, I encourage anyone reading this to make 2017 their best year yet, as I will try to strive for that as well. And here is how: do what makes you happy. Do what makes you laugh. Travel more. Be kind more. Be compassionate more. Volunteer more. Hang out with your friends more. Hang out with yourself more. Do something that will challenge you. Do something that will make you uncomfortable. Make a new friend. Talk to strangers. Challenge your beliefs and why you believe them. Spend a whole day on your couch binge watching a tv show. Live the life you’ve always dreamed and don’t let anything stop you. 2017 is going to be a great year, it has big shoes to fill. 


addendum: I wrote this on a plane before Iceland. I am so glad I didn't have to go back and take out that I saw the Northern Lights. God bless. 

Navigating Life

I wrote this on November 12th, the weekend after the election. I never posted it, obviously. I wrote it for myself mainly, so I could get all of that out, and I honestly think it really did help. Time has passed and I guess it seems silly to post it now, it all seems so far in the past and the feelings and things I and we have gotten over, but I also don't want to forget it. The feelings that made people act and not be complacent with life or the country, so that's why i'm posting it now instead of letting it sit in my draft folder for all of eternity. Maybe just maybe I'll come back on here one day and realize it was the best thing that could've happened. Maybe the world will fall apart and I can see where it all started.

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I've been having a lot of feelings recently and i'm not sure the best way to go about them. This week has been brutal. Today is my first day off in 13 days and honestly, with that paired with the election, it made for the most looked forward to weekend in while. So here I am, finally made it to the weekend, a time that I can rest and try to get over the happenings of the week, but they are still stuck on me. I can't escape the gloomyness of the election. Every time I go on any sort of social media it's all I see. It's all I could think about driving too and from work this week. I know everyone is tired of hearing about the election and the results and people's opinions on them, but i'm just hoping if I write this stuff down it'll help. This post is more for me than anyone else.

The truth is, I don't know how to see Trump supporters the same. I can't quite muster up the grace to even call my family. MY FAMILY. This is heartbreaking for me. I love them. But I am still not over it yet. I think I just need time. Or maybe I still haven't caught up on all my sleep, as I type this with tears starting to form in my eyes. I cried on my way to work both Wednesday and Thursday morning. Was I just so tired? Wednesday at work was the worst. I got there and was scared to even greet some people, knowing the outcome of the election. It is very real for a lot of people. Within 3 seconds of saying good morning to one of our actors that morning tears swelled up in her eyes and you could feel the heartbreak. The day didn't get much better from there. The over all tone/feel on set was....not good. Everyone was defeated and sad and sometimes it was hard to locate a smile unless we were rolling. Our caterer telling another guy how his 6 year old daughter is already under the impression Trump will kick them out of the country. Stories already emerging that day of truly racist actions coming out of schools. Kids making jokes about kicking fellow students out of school and out of the country. Swastika's being spray painted all over buildings or fences. Me having to wait another 30 minutes after we wrapped to sign someone out because they were crying. Because this election wasn't just about economic or health care policies, but about basic human rights that were threatened to be taken away.

I never cried because Trump is going to be our next President. My tears were for the state of this country. The heartbreak of so many. The one's who feel like their lives don't matter and their feelings, and quite frankly their human rights, were invalidated. My tears were because I don't know how to face some of the people I love. How can I be surrounded by people who turn a blind eye to all of the hateful, sexist, racist, things being done in Donald Trumps name? The unrest that is happening in this country, it's because of the hurtful things Trump has said about minorities and giving it a voice and a spreading ground for the sexist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic people that live here. Are all Trump supporters racist? Of course not. No no no. But I think it does show that it is easy for you to turn a blind eye on his sexual assault, gross sexism, the racism that clearly has been brought up, brought to light and not been condemned by him or his circle.  How does that not matter to you?

But, this is life and this is reality. In spite of it all people are rising up and making their voices heard. People are standing up for the injustice's of others and that is encouraging. People are standing up for the minorities that Trump is threatening and I can find that encouraging. This country can still rally together to do what is good, what is right, no matter who the President is. We can make this country even greatER when we realize it is not the president that shapes a nation, but the people in it that do. I think it's time. It's time we as a people decide what is important and shape the country that way instead of letting politics shape it for us. Here's to 2017.

Things you already know and 2016 plans

Well, time to do my end of the year blog update. I’ve noticed I’ve only blogged 3 times this year, and all really mainly having to do with work, so I’ll try not to bore you with repeat info. 2015 was kind of a record breaking year for me. The day after I landed back in town after New Years last year I was already booked and back to work day playing on shows, working almost every day until my South America trip. Wowee, what a great trip that was. Aaron and I explored Brazil, Argentina, and Chile. One of the prettiest I have ever been. I got back in town just in time to staff my first tv series….now, I had been staff on shows before, but all mainly indie features, not tv. I’d been working in TV for a little while at that point, but only day playing, so I was pretty excited for this. The show was called Casual (Golden Globe nomiated ;) and it was a great experience. A few days after we wrapped I flew to Florida for a quick trip home before heading off on my European adventure. It went: Ireland, Scotland, London, Germany, Switzerland, Austria. And boy was that an adventure as well. Traveling is the best. So I flew back from Germany to LA and the very next day boarded a flight to Louisiana. Now, Aaron had originally planned on taking the Europe trip with me but wasn’t able to end up coming because he got booked to work on this movie in Louisiana. I told him that I would come out and visit and he said he could probably get me booked on the movie for at least a couple days…..well, 3.5 weeks later of working in the blazing Louisiana dust bowl I get a text to run base camp again on another new tv series so it was back to LA I went. I got back and the next day had my prep day for Superstore, which we all by now know about. (Fingers crossed for season 2!) I went straight from Superstore to working on an HBO pilot and that was a pretty good one as well! If I didn’t like Lena Dunham before, I surely loved her now!! One of the best directors I have worked with. So gracious. The pilot ended just in time for Thanksgiving and for me to just hang out and chill, day playing on shows between then and when I had one more pilot to round out the year the week before I flew home for Christmas. The majority of the crew was from Superstore and we even filmed in the Superstore stage one day, so it was a nice little reunion! Not that you needed it because everyone that reads this obviously keeps up with me on Facebook, but there’s a little (or maybe not so little?) summary of my year! If I can keep this same pattern for 2016 (the rest of my life) it is sure to be another good one! Work>travel>work>travel>work>relax>repeat. 

As I mentioned above, I’ve noticed most of my blogs have to do with work….but I’ve traveled so much this year that I feel like those stories deserve screen time in the wringing out of my memories as well, so something that I’ll be starting in 2016 is a travel website/blog! I’m kinda excited about it! I think it’ll be fun not only going back and writing about my past trips and going through those pictures, but to better document my future trips as well. Coming up in 2016 I already have a pretty solid schedule for the first half of the year (which is kinda surprising for me for this industry to already know my plans/job 5 months in advance! Haha) Starting in January I will be working on a DirectTV show with a couple ADs I’ve never worked with before...as a matter of fact, I don’t know any of the other PAs as well, just 1 of the ADs, so I’m sure it’ll be an experience! That is a very quick show that I’ll only be on for a month and then a few days after I wrap that we start season 2 of Casual! This season we will be filming 13 episodes instead of 10 that we filmed last year for season 1. I haven’t gotten my schedule yet, but that’ll take me until mid-May, just in time to do some traveling!! I believe my options at this point are either a Europe trip with my BFF and roommate Kelly, or a trip to Africa with my other BFF and life partner Aaron. Either way, I can’t go wrong! I’m hoping maybe I can AD an indie after that and maaaybe start up Superstore season 2 after that to close out the year?? (A girl can dream) Wow guys, my life has really started to fall together! This year I’ll have enough days to turn my book in to the DGA for the third area days (near the end of the year) so these next couple of years will definitely be interesting! 

Thanks so much for keeping up with me this year, it was a wild one! I laughed, I cried, I blew a tire in the middle of nowhere in Chile, I spent my birthday with a half drunk man in a cemetery in Edinburgh, I trekked on a glacier, I worked on a Golden Globe nominated show, I took a 46 hour train ride from Chicago to Portland, I had my name scroll through on the credits on national television, I started liking someone again and learned I am not good with rejection, I binge watched so many tv series in 1 weekend, I woke up at 315am for work, I slept in till 1130 because I didn’t have to work, I introduced someone new to Mosaic, I got evacuated from Mosaic because of a bomb scare, I laughed, I cried. 

Thanks 2015. 

Superstore

(Obviously I am posting this late...but here is what I documented while flying home during our last hiatus)

Currently on my flight back home during our last hiatus from Superstore and I didn’t bring a book or my ipad or anything to read so I’m just being bored on my laptop, going over my calendar when I had to delete the last 2 weeks of Superstore from my calendar. It was so sad. I was even feeling weird coming to Florida because I knew that when I got back and we were back from our hiatus it would mean we only had 1 more week left. Our last episode. Originally we were supposed to have 13 episodes but because of the Olympics and presidential debates and blah blah blah NBC had to cut us down to 11 episodes. It was such a sad day when we all found out. Our crew is so great and I really enjoy everyone. I get along great with the other PAs and ADs and our trainee and the hair and make up and wardrobe department (which is especially good since other than the actors and the ADs, they are the other people I have to interact and work with the most) But the whole crew in general gets along really great. This is seriously the best show I have ever worked on and probably will ever work on. We rarely have shooting days that go over the standard 12 hour day. The show in and of itself is hilarious. The actors have us laughing every single day. The best takes are when the actors improv their lines and come up with a new ridiculous line every time. There are definitely diva actors out there and we are lucky enough on this show that all of our cast are so great. Yesterday one of our actors, Ben Feldman, was teaching me how to use his little segway thing going down the street between our stages and I just thought, this is such a fun show, I don’t think I’ll ever have a show like this again. All our actors were wrapped yesterday probably an hour before the rest of the crew was done and about 15-20 minutes after our last actors were wrapped our second AD got to me over the walkie and was like Amy, why are you still here?? I came up with the excuse that I hadn’t signed the actors out yet (which I hadn’t because they were hanging out and talking with a producer) but even if I had...and when I did, I didn’t want to leave. I went back to stage 1 to hang out and see who won our $5 Friday little game we do every Friday. It was a little group of 3 PAs and 2 ADs standing around talking before we wrapped and even though I know I didn’t have to be there, I wanted to be. I like talking with them and hanging out with them. It doesn’t even seem like work, it’s fun. This is exactly the job where people say ‘I want a job where it doesn’t feel like a job when you go to it’ This is that job. ...I mean, obviously it is work and we have stuff to do, but that’s what makes it good. I feel productive, get to hang out with friends, make a TV show, laugh, eat, ride around in a golf cart, that’s what I do with my day. And I get to do this every day and get paid for it! It really is a dream. This is the perfect show I’ve always wanted and I am so lucky that somehow I was able to end up on it. Man I am going to be so so sad when it ends and just the thought of having to wait till August to work on it again is disappointing, but also the fact that we will get to work on it again and that it is actually a show that I get to work on is enough that will hopefully get me through. I can’t wait till it airs and I especially can’t wait for it to be officially picked up for a season 2 and for us to start filming it, haha.