And i'm not letting it bury me anymore... (Bring the beat in)

Ok. Been debating writing this blog for quite some time now. Still not decided if I want to post the link to it on Facebook where a couple people might actually read it or just wait it out since i'm sure not many people would read it unless I post it on Facebook. (see how i'm already avoiding the main topic?) But people say they don't want to talk about important things over the internet or how we shouldn't document our personal lives on the computer....except the thing is, that is kinda exactly what this blog is about. And to be honest, a lot of people wouldn't know much about me or what i'm up to if it wasn't for the internet. And this is my space and this is where i've gone to sort through thoughts and a place I would go on a lonely night. Its been here and is almost like a little diary for me sometimes. A diary that I happen to put on the internet and crazily offer people to read. I figured since I let you into my mind (as the smaller header indicates, haha) it wouldn't be honest if I didn't share a part that has influenced this blog.

At my age and even at the start of college, or better yet high school...heck, we can take it back to middle school and even preschool, people are always asking about boyfriends or if there is anyone you (proverbial) like or are talking to. It is just something that our society and culture is interested in I guess. Or maybe it is just a good conversation filler, I don't know. But these questions are always more frequent around my age....and when everyone you know is getting engaged or having babies. Luckily for me, I guess people have stopped trying....or maybe they thought they would know already since I post way too much on facebook, haha. I normally try not to discuss my singleness because then it becomes awkward and people are assuring me how great I am and of course I will find someone some day. Well, you know, I know i'm awesome. I think I would be a great girlfriend. (Depending on your definition of fun) I am a fun person and would like to make myself think I can make people laugh on occasion. But the thing is, you really don't want me to be dating someone. I've seen it on Facebook, I hear it when you talk, you've flat out told me it would be better not to and I can see it in the voting polls. You may be thinking to yourself, 'i've never said anything of the sort!' buuut, there is one thing you may not know, and that is if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a guy. I'm not attracted to them, never really have been. And you can make excuses and people have told me I haven't found the right guy yet, but you're just fooling yourself. I can't make myself magically become attracted to a guy as much as I can't magically make you become attracted to a girl...or a guy, whichever gender you may happen to be. We can't choose the people we like, and trust me my life would be so much easier if I could, because I still have no idea why anyone would want to choose to be gay....just look at the number of gay teen suicides and the amount of bullying, hate, and disgust they receive. People look down on you and choose not to acknowledge your relationships and treat them as inferior. In only 9 of 50 states are gays given the same rights. And it isn't just about the term 'marriage' but the fact that there are a number of legal and financial rights and benefits given to only married couples.

Alright, alright, this update wasn't to discuss the plight of gay people, so I apologize, if anyone is still reading at this point. I knowI have already told a handful of people and if you have really read a few of my other posts you may not be tooo surprised....or maybe you just didn't catch on and you are....and if so, I am sorry. I kind of thought that maybe this whole situation had just gotten to the 'don't ask don't tell' point because really, I mean really, you are reading this now so you surely have read some of my other posts and Facebook. Regardless, after telling some people I have honestly felt much better. I felt like there was this huge thing that was always weighing me down and the more I got it out, the easier it was. It is who I am and after tears, after confusion, after prayer, after being mad at God, after acceptance and after everything, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking i'm someone that i'm not. I don't want people to assume that one day I am gonna come home with a boyfriend or that I will get married one day. So when I make posts saying I will never get married or get engaged, this is why. As much as I wish I was joking and being dramatic, i'm really not. So I guess this is the life I am left with. I didn't choose it, but it was dealt to me. Maybe I won't know what it's like to bring someone home to meet the family, to get married and to be a soccer mom, but such is life.....

I had sworn I would take this to my grave not telling anyone, and that made me feel better about it. But after so many years, it just weighs you down and I feel like I am finally at the point in my life where I really don't care anymore and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I feel like everything is finally falling into place. I am happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and I am ready to start off 2013 perfectly. I just needed to get this out, to finally just be free and happy and honest. It will be terrifying to hit that publish button and share this with everyone given everyones stance on the issue (not a favorable one) but this is MY life and i'm not letting it bury me anymore.