My faith is slowly being restored in churches and I hope they don't blow it.

I have been wanting to update the blog for at least a few weeks now. I had stop myself after watching an episode of a show I like where a character tried to commit suicide, I held my tongue so hard when the whole Duck Dynasty controversy was going on, but today I feel is an appropriate time to update. There are so many topics that I feel I hammer into the ground on here, and i'm sure i've already covered this, but here we go.

I guess I should start off by admitting that yes, I am a hypocrite, and maybe sometimes I am the problem for misconstrued views of the church, and for that i apologize.

Today I went to Church of Hope with my family, and Mark shared statistics he had found about Christianity and the church: every major world religion is growing except Christianity. In spite of the (i believe it was) 4 trillion dollars churches had spent, there wasn't significant movement towards Christ. It is abundantly clear that not only has christianity lost traction with some people, it has come to a screeching halt. A handful of Christians may be dumbfounded by these facts, however I am not and i'll take a minute to explain why.

There was a time in my life where I held some resentment towards God and the Church (I think i've blogged about this before so I will keep this short) There have been so many times where I felt unwanted and unloved by the Church, i'm sure it would sound embracing to mention. The week before last when I attended Hope my eyes misted up a little because why I was sitting there and watching all the people around me sing about love, not 24 hours before I saw them updating their Facebook status about how what I am is wrong and I shouldn't be treated equally. It made me mad that I had to sit in the same room with people that would sing about love, but only to a certain extent and to only certain people (I can only conclude, based on what I am reading of their updates) But enough about me, this post is about the church and trying to reach the lost. Anyway, my point is, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel and see myself in the unbeliever. Like I have one foot in the church and the other out the door. I see where the world is coming from and why church attendance has become so stagnant. It's partially because of people like me who hate admitting they go to church, furtherly showing that the church is filled with people you don't want to be around...but that isn't true. Not in all circumstances.

There are churches and christians around the world and around the United States that are doing truly great, new, and exciting things. For example where I go in LA, Mosaic. I love the living daylights out of that church and I will shout it from the rooftops. I won't expound because i've dedicated a whole post about them (said post) but it is a great place. Another christian that I think will change the face of Christianity is a woman/author/blogger named Jen Hatmaker. She is taking up the cross, seeking the truth, and laying it all out there, the defender of love. People start controversy about 2 people marrying, she says 'No. Love.' People get up in arms about politics, she says 'No. Love.' She see's the woman on the streets struggling to provide for her kids: love. The homeless man: love. Your annoying co-worker: love. Neighbor that has 2 sleeves (of tattoos): love. To me, she gets it. She absolutely knows that the whole world in looking at Christians and how they react to certain situations, and she chooses love. (If you would like, check out her awesome blog here) Today my old roommate in college posted a link to an article about the church she is attending, talking about how the church is becoming an inclusive and reconciling congregation. Included in the article is the associate pastor's greeting:

“No matter where you have come from 
and no matter where you are going...
No matter what you believe or doubt...
No matter what you are feeling or just

not feeling...

No matter what you have or don't have...

And no matter whom you love...

All of you is welcomed into this 

community of faith

by a God who loves you,

who knows you by name, and

who wants a personal relationship with you.
Thanks be to God - Amen!” 

It was really a good article. Some people and some churches have realized that they have, in the past, isolated and even pushed away some non believers or people from other walks of life. I kinda find it great that they call it reconciling...that they have a reconciling committee. I think it's time for the church and the world to have one big reconciliation. I know so many people have felt like they have been burned by the church. The church has hurt them in some way. Something happened that made them jaded. They met one too many unloving, judgmental Christians and it turned them off from church and Christianity all together. BUT THERE IS HOPE. There are people that are bringing back love to the world and showing that christianity isn't about their personal beliefs about how you should dictate your life and laws you need to follow and what you can't do....that it's about God's love and receiving that love through Jesus. That we were literally created to be loved by God. That EVERYONE was created to be loved by God. Not who the Christians think deserve to be loved by God, not the perfect ones, not the do-gooders and sinless, but everyone. I appreciate that this is something that Mark mentioned at Church of Hope this morning, love. It really isn't our job to take a stance on an issue and determine how holy or worthy someone is based on that stance. More and more churches and christians I believe are starting to see and understand how they ostracize people when they put them on a pedestal to shame them. Its happened before and it will most certainly happen again, the next controversy christians vs. the liberal God hating world, but when Christians and churches can take a back seat to being "right" and caring that they have had their "rights" taken, and instead at least pretend that everyone they look down upon has actual human feelings too and create an environment where the world might want to be, then maybe, just maybe, we might start to see the numbers of Christian popularity going up and the number of churches closing going down. God knows we have a long way to go with gaining back that trust and respect from the rest of the world, but I have faith that these churches and people will lead the way and i'm excited for their message the take hold, because at least as far as my knowledge in LA, while statistics show more churches closing that starting, Mosaic is adding new service after new service because of growth and nothing could make me happier. Here's to a reconciling 2014! 

Love you guys. 

But is it only happening in The Hunger Games?

This past Wednesday night I finally was able to see Catching Fire. I have read all the books in the Hunger Games trilogy, collectively being one of my all time favorite books (and Catching Fire even most specifically) so I was excited to watch. I had asked someone if they wanted to join and they were a little hesitant to respond because the whole concept of the movies is just kind of terrible...kids killing kids. Understandable, but that is kinda what the whole series is about....how terrible it and this society is. The thing that scares me though, is how far off are we as a society from what we see in the Hunger Games?

As I was watching the movie, parts of it made me mad. Not the movie itself, but the government, the people in charge, the media. I was angry that there was a (made up I know) world where these things happen. But the thing is, if you look at our society, there are a scary amount of comparisons.

You have this world where it is controlled by the capitol and the media, and they choose the things that the rest of the world can see. The media turns killings into a game for entertainment at the expense of everyone who isn't part of the elite. Maybe our media isn't exactly broadcasting killing for entertainment, but maybe it sometime is. We put everything and everyone we see on television on a pedestal. People starve themselves to look the way they see people portrayed in the media. The media thrives off of exploiting celebrities lives because people want to watch. Kids pick what is cool by what they see on a screen, and if another kid doesn't embody that, they get picked on. People commit suicide because they don't think they measure up. The media feeds us so many lies and shows us so much crap and a false representation of the world, sometimes it scares me to think we are turning into the capitol.

At the capitol they have people that are power hungry, that will do anything to get ahead/stay on top and prove their power. The government doesn't care about the people at all. They abuse them. They don't look out for their best interests. It's all about social class and inequality. They don't care that people in the districts are living in poverty while they drink drinks to make them less full so they can eat more. Please tell me our elected officials don't also try to cater to the wealthy and the ones that can give them power. Please tell me our government doesn't treat certain social classes and walks of life unequally. Certainly our government doesn't stoop so low as to hobnobbing with the wealthy to make deals to make themselves look better and keep them in control.

Listen, i'm not trying to say we live in Panem, but the idea for the books had to be drawn from somewhere, and i'm thinking it looks like an exaggerated version of the world we live in. Unfortunately we DO have people starving and living in poverty. There ARE kids being shipped off to go fight against their will. There ARE people being abused by their government. And maybe it isn't all happening in America, but it is happening. This world can be a scary place, I just hope that the media doesn't turn themselves into the Capitol, although it keeps looking more and more like that with every anorexic girl shown and every call of duty bought. We are becoming numb to death and to reality and to the things that actually matter in this life. You have people trampling over each other to get 60% off a television and it is turning quite literally into the hunger games. Here's to hoping Panem stays solely a fictional place in a book series i love.

I'm sorry, but can you please not say that?

"I see the destruction those lifestyles lead to, and my heart breaks for them."

This isn't the first time I have heard or read that sentiment about someone being gay. I'm sorry, but since when did having a whole and full life and being gay become mutually exclusive? Some people of religious faith say these things all the time when this subject comes up.....'you wouldn't be living life to the fullest and living the life God would want you to lead.' This is absurd to me. This is something that has been said to me, and I would like to take a minute to kindly educate you that people who say this should probably STFU (what's the nicest way to say that?)

Correct me if i'm wrong, but I would say the type of lifestyles that lead to what I would believe to be destruction would be one of a drug addict, someone who can't forgive or let go of the past, people struggling from other addictions and anger management problems. It could just be me (which maybe it is) but I don't see why people still feel the need to put energy into arguing or try to change people from the gay "destructive lifestyle" when there are people that are going through actual life threatening/altering situations.

Is my lifestyle and who I am attracted to really that much of a destruction? Is the fact that I treat people equally and give love and compassion as much as I can that much of a detriment to society and myself? Does it hinder your own livelihood that I work hard at my job, try to further my career and grow my friendships? Does it make the other religious folk feel uncomfortable or frightened if I am someone who seeks to follow after the Lord, basks in all His love, shares it as much as I can and be gay?

Please don't let your heart break for me, and if it does I will pick it up and mend it back together with the love that Jesus has for both of us. If your heart breaks, let it break for the orphans, the homeless, the addicts, the unloved, the depressed, not the one's who just so happen to not be attracted to the gender that you deem appropriate.

You know what, I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to travel. I am going to be successful in my career. I am going to be happy. I am going to have great friends. I am going to serve the less fortunate. I am going to show love. I am going to receive love. And I don't ever for a second want anyone to think that I can't have a lifestyle worth being proud of. I know that some people may think that I am less of because I don't dream to walk down the aisle to Mr...whoever, but your opinion should no longer shape the way I or other people view themselves.

And as a not so side note, it is completely normal that everyone is always congratulating these unmarried 19 year olds getting pregnant but 2 girlfriends that have been dating for years get married and don't get the same amount of congratulations? These are actual things that I am currently seeing on my Facebook timeline. The same people that 'like' the posts that abhor homosexuality are also seen 'liking' the picture of a barely grown kid's pregnant stomach...all while they either have a kid that does drugs, smokes weed, or has premarital sex or does it themself. I'm not about pointing fingers and you can do whatever with your own life that you want, but when people make outrageous double standards, as you might can tell, it just gets under my skin.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts of the week. I know we might not agree, but hopefully it stretched your minds a little bit if not.

And It'll Change Your Life.

Recently I was asked why I went to church. At first thought, I didn't really know how to respond. After growing up in the church, it seemed like an obvious answer to me....why does anyone go to church? But then I realized that's what fosters a false image of the church to begin with, when people make assumptions and judgements about a church. Assuming an obvious answer is a detriment to everyone at this point, I think. It causes not only people to make generalizations but makes me latch on to other people's reasons behind going to church instead of making it personal and coming up with my own answer. My first reaction was, to learn about and worship God, of course. ...but like I said, that is such the obvious and churchy answer. It got me thinking, why DO I go to church? This question was asked in a discussion about religion and why it is needed, or important, and how there can be substitutes for church, but after some thinking, I'd like to share why for me, there can't be and it is an inelastic good I can't live without. 

After standing there a second, all that came to my mind was love. I know it sounds selfish of me, but the amount of love I feel when I go to church....and really Mosaic most specifically, honestly, is where I feel most loved. It is impossible for me to go into Mosaic with a bad attitude and keep it the whole time. You go there and are reminded time and time again after song, after someone comes up to talk, in the message, in another song, God cares about and loves us. 

I've written before about Mosaic's music, but this blog post wouldn't be complete if I didn't at least mention it. I could go one Sunday and sing worship songs for an hour and be perfectly content with life. I believe we were created to be loved, I think that is the reason God made us and why that is when i feel most whole; but I also believe we were made to worship God, and so when i'm doing that, nothing else really matters. Anything else that is going on in the world around me suddenly stops, it's like God puts the world on hold just for the small amount of time i'm wrapped up in music and singing and I could stay there forever. 

I go to Mosaic to learn, to be a better person, to grow my relationship not only with God but how I relate to other people. It seems like every new series we do is my new favorite. Right now we are doing a series on happiness called life in color, and I could swear its been my favorite and so great so far....but right before this series we did another one called Free...learning to free not only ourselves but other people. That was also my favorite and I never wanted it to end. I have some sermon notes that I was going to share with you, but then I would just want to share every single sermon and this would turn into a novel and then...well, I feel ya. I'll just instead say that these are powerful messages and lessons to learn. In the conversation that spurred this blog, it was mentioned...'if church is a place where you learn about the bible, why can't i just do that on my own and from the comfort of my room, why do i have to have someone preaching to me how to live my life.' And that is a valid point, but these messages and services...it is so much more than what I could take out of it by myself. (And also I am a terrible Christian in that I don't read my bible...which i know i should change, but that'll be a lesson for another day) This week we focused on openness, last week was idealism and before that craziness. I'm not at the point where I can motivate and preach to myself these things, and to be honest, when someone thinks they are, they need to go back to Corinthians or whichever books of the bible where the first churches were being formed and realize that is why we have pastors and churches in the first place. But I digress. 

Not to sound too religiousy, but going to this place, it changes people's lives. A couple weeks ago when I was at a Midweek, the speaker asked who had found freedom in this place? Noise soon followed, then varying levels of cheers when he kept going: healing, God, happiness...(and i'm sure some other words that I have since forgotten) As I was sitting there with these words being said and people's reaction to them, it is no secret that special things happen in this place. One Sunday (or Wednesday) when they were doing baptisms, a girl was speaking about her experience...how she had said she was never going to get baptized and how silly people look for it. Then she started going to Mosaic...and I love the quote she said, "The broken pieces in my life began to heal." As much as I try to put it into words, express how great a love there is...I just can't do it justice. There is no way to try to talk someone into understanding a feeling that they didn't even know they could feel. 

I know churches and being religious and believing in God might sound like a mildly terrifying thing to a good amount of people I now surround myself with...especially being in LA...so I try to walk this line with as much grace as i can, but at the same time, I ache for every single person in this city to feel the same way I do when i'm at Mosaic. I want everyone to feel as whole, as loved, as free, as cared for, as happy as I am. It makes me sad that other churches or religious people or institutions or a political party, or whatever, has turned so many people away from the church, because I think there is a whole new church growing up and breaking the stereotypes set by previous generations and I think the world is ready for it. I also think that some of us believers are sometimes even hesitant and resistant to even say we are so because we are still afraid of how people might judge us based on what the church has created for itself until this point...what has given it such a bad wrap with so many people. But what if this new church, this other group of believers weren't afraid to speak up, weren't afraid to take ownership of their faith and put a new face to Christianity......Christ. Not a pew full of judgmental people. Not people who care more about laws and sins and people's pasts or how much money they have and what economic status they are in and what they look like and who they love. No. It should be about the only thing that ever mattered, love. Mosaic recently added a new 5th service time on Sundays. The Wednesday that followed, someone mentioned that made Mosaic’s count that Sunday 3200. It is growing more and more every Sunday and that is all the reason. Mosaic is ready to step up to be this Church that the world is looking for, that the world needs. It is a place with a little more love, and a little more compassion, and I think the world is starting to notice. And I think it’s time for me to start getting more involved, cause I am ready…...or as we at Mosaic like to say, I’m all in. 

The Fosters

So I have kinda gotten into a new ABC Family tv show recently entitled The Fosters. I’m sure none of the people that read this watch it, but it is actually pretty good. I was watching the season finale last night and thinking how appreciative I am of this show. Let me explain. 

So the show is about a family, half made up of foster kids, half adopted kids, and one biological son. One parent is a cop, another a school vice principle I believe. It follows the lives of all the kids and the parents and the trouble the kids get into and the dynamic  of the foster kids entering this house and the family having to deal not only with that but just everyday happenings of life and teenagers. I was a little concerned and nervous to watch it at first, because the two parents I have mentioned are both female. I didn’t want this show to end up being the next glee, in that they start to sound all preachy and every episode has to have some sort of social issue and PSA involved. TV shows can be so political sometimes, and while it isn’t a terrible thing to sometimes touch on these topics, sometimes it can be a little much. 

I know for a good amount of this country still, they don’t see this as a normal family. Or don’t accept it or would kinda turn the other way. I know this isn’t the first time TV shows have shown a family with a gay couple, but it is the first of its kind and it has changed my thoughts about my own future. I know there are shows out there like Modern Family and that is greatly successful and sure there are gay characters on shows more often, but this is the first time there has been a show strictly centering around one family that is lead by a gay couple. Think of all the shows that are centered around a certain family, from even the beginning of tv and movies...I Love Lucy, The Cosby Show, Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, The Middle, you get the point. All about just normal families and everyday life. The thing I love about this show, is that it shows the same thing. There is no difference. We are all just one family. Two people just doing the best they can to raise their kids in a loving, caring household. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when politics gets thrown in your face a little bit, but as the deal with life in general. The reason this show has impacted me is because it has shown life with such normalness (which I will now call a word.) When you hear for so long that gay people shouldn’t be able to get married and have kids, maybe sometimes you just believe them and lose the will to even think otherwise anymore. For the past little while, I would say that I’m never getting married and I would probably never have kids either. It all just seemed like such a foreign concept to me. No one would ever approve. Everyone would look at me weird. My family would judge me. Society would judge me. If I ever had kids, what emotional scarring would I alreadyyyyy inflict on a child by me, being gay, being their mom. I just can’t deal with that type of pressure. The thing about this show though, is that it is so normal. They are just like every other family. They love their kids and their kids love them. These kids needed a loving home and with the Fosters, they got one. 

In last nights episode, the 2 moms got married. I felt I was watching what would be my emotions in the character of Steph. She never really wanted to get married. I guess she was a little just bitter about it. Her dad didn’t want to go, and she was having a conversation with him, saying that maybe she didn’t want to get married because she thought it was weird too...two girls standing up there. Who would even walk down the isle? This is silly. But then she realized, she didn’t want to not get married because they were her feelings, but because they were her dads. She believed and had it ingrained in her that 2 females can’t marry and it would be weird. So she lived with that all her life. Here she was, in a loving, long term relationship with 3 kids and 2 foster kids, and yet still couldn’t bring herself to get married. Until she realized she could. That all of those thoughts weren’t hers but those thrown upon her. 

Now I’m not saying this to all of the sudden announce that I am going to have a wedding and raise a heap of kids, but I am saying that I like my life better knowing it is a possibility. That possibly, maybe, someday I would want a normal life too. Being able to settle down with someone I love and maybe even have kids. Invite kids that don’t have a family into mine. Love them like I have been loved. And maybe I am still not keen on the idea of marriage, but maybe one day I will be. And if you don’t believe I should be, then you don’t have to come….as a matter of fact, I wouldn’t want you to come. No offense, but, I guess you can just pick and choose the status updates you like of mine on Facebook and I would just have the people that supported me there. (It’ll never happen, so you can just calm down) 

Anyway, all of this to say, this show has got me thinking. I think it is good for America, it’s good for me, it’s good for everyone in general. And not just for showing a family with 2 moms, but with adopted and fostered kids as well. I have heard a lot of good things from that community about how they are tackling those subjects and how foster kids and adopted kids are happy to finally see some representation of their own on tv. It’s finally widening the scope of visibility for a lot of different people, and I really like that. 

The Art of Friendship

Proverbs 17:17

"A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." 

Today we started a new series at Mosaic entitled Match. Looking at our relationships and seeing best how they can be fostered to form close, meaningful connections with those in our lives. The first in our series was entitled the art of friendship. Friendship is a very important thing to have in one's life, knowledge gained from being on both sides of that coin. Friendship is an important thing to have in pretty much almost all and any of your relationships, be it romantic or not. But today, we are talking about just straight up friendship, from one person to another.

In our realm of people we interact with, we have a community of people we talk to (some could call it a group of acquaintances) and we have friends. The first wall you cross from being in one's community to one's friendship is vulnerability. Once you are vulnerable with each other, it opens up the conversation to get to know each other in a more meaningful way. The problem with vulnerability, however, is that people sometimes use disclosure instead of being vulnerable, and they are not the same thing. This is one of my problems, in that even with this blog I feel like I disclose a good amount of my life, so while it may seem like you may know me because of the things I disclose, it isn't a relationship we are forming, it isn't the type of vulnerable that breaks down walls.

The next phase that builds friendships is confidence. Confidence, loyalty, and forgiveness. These all kind of go hand in hand. You want a friend who is loyal, who you can be confident in, that will be trustworthy with your vulnerability. Someone is who is always on your side....a friend who loves at all times.

Forgiveness. The people who are closest to you forgive you the most. You have to live in a state of forgiveness. People tend to hurt the people they love and care about more than anyone. Friendship is about looking over the million little things we do wrong and love them anyway. I feel the need to text my friends and thank them for forgiving me a thousand times. I screw up, I make mistakes, I act like an idiot, and forgiveness is essential in this thing we call friendship.

Friendships are serious business. They tie our futures together. They are the people we share our lives with and invest in. The people we go to when things aren't going great and still the same people we go to to celebrate when they are.

As much as I say I like to be alone and am a loner, my life would not be even remotely as full if I didn't have my friends. As James Taylor would put it, "i've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend." The happiest times of my life have been when I was surrounded by my friends. I feel like my social anxiety and fear of rejection and whatever else I blogged about last kept me from fully investing in so many relationships. I build a good amount of walls because sometimes maybe I don't want to seem weak or needy. I like being independent and not thinking I have to rely on anyone or need anyone....this just secluded myself even more and always leaves me on the outside looking in (which is a rather lonely place I have come to find.) When you become vulnerable with other people and let them in, friendships are able to grow and life becomes even more beautiful because you have more people to share it with.

Annie Grace Shaffer, the best friend I could ever ask for. I have no idea what in the world I would do without her in my life. God bless her heart I am such a hard person to be friends with and she just stuck it out, i'm not even sure why....only because, like I said, she is the best friend I could ask for. The thing is, with all of my pitfalls I have blogged about, excluding people from my life is one of the side effects and that makes it hard to foster friendships, but Annie still did it and i'm so glad she did. These type of friendships gives me such a comfort knowing that when I am at work doing a lock-up and I have things going through my head with no cell service to consult anyone, my first thought is to write to Annie on the back of my sides. Knowing that I can go to her with anything and she will listen. That no matter what I do, she always forgives me and loves me anyway. Now that is friendship.

If I wrote about all my friendships I know you'd get bored, but I feel like i'm finally at the point in my life that I am surrounded by such a great group of people, where I finally have a nice core group of friends that I have been able to overcome my insecurities and be vulnerable with them and share my life with them, that I just need to share. I can't go on without also mentioning Aaron. My self proclaimed life partner and soul mate, it would seem. The amount of ease in conversation I have with sharing just anything about life with this kid is just....very comforting. I love having that person in my life, where we can sit on a swingset at night and just talk about how great our futures are gonna be, or go driving around for hours discussing our problems and talking through them together. Him putting up with me when I vent with him about certain people and crushes that i'm sure he could care less about. (sorry bout it, aaron, haha) Having that type of friendship makes the little things like finding fried chicken, walking around the beach, or going to a gibbon conservatory even more fun.

I can't keep writing paragraphs, but my roommates Erica and Kelly, some of my best friends here in LA as well. Never did I think I would enjoy someone just barging into my room (with a cat nonetheless) to talk. Never have I really had that living situation where I was always living with people I could have such good conversations with. From discussing our need to get more involved in volunteering and about our relationship with God and other people...to having them deal with my ramblings about my social awkwardness with people. (And then random spouts of getting mad at one another before emerging again to eat some sort of dessert or food together because getting frustrated with people and situations is life and hey, that too grows friendships, haha)

Anyway, all of this to say, friendships are important. I feel like they are probably even the building blocks to a happy and healthy life. It takes time, it takes commitment, it takes forgiveness, it takes vulnerability and confidence, but they are relationships that last a lifetime. Start building those bridges and investing in people, it is one of the best decisions i've ever made.

(also need to give a shout-out to another of my closest friends here, Edwin, who too has had to deal with my ridiculous musings, but who we have so much fun together and who also keeps me warm when the beach on the 4th of July is freaking freezing!)

As it turns out, I have a rather low self esteem

Today I had to be an extra on the movie I am working on. Originally they told me to bring upscale clothes because the scene takes place outside a high-end fashion mall. I reluctantly agreed to try to come up with something in my wardrobe that could make people believe I had any ounce of upscaleness in me. (I told them I would make a great homeless person, 12 year old boy, or hiker if they wanted to take me to Yosemite, but I wasn't making any promises for this scene.) We ended up coming up with an outfit to wear and as I was heading to set the wardrobe girl was saying how cute I looked. She mentioned it to someone else, who agreed, as I was nodding my head no. I didn't believe them and ignored anyone else who tried to chime in, in the nicest way possible.

So this update may be a little tooo personal for anyone to really care about, but this thing has kind of turned into a space for me get things out and work through life, so here it is.

Growing up I was always one of the smallest if not THE smallest person in the class. I have since kinda grown into a normal size, but I still kind of miss not being the shortest. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way tall, but I liked being short. ...shorter than average. I felt as if it was easier to get lost in the crowed, to go unnoticed. I've had the same hair and basically clothes style all my life, for fear of changing things up too much would draw any unwanted attention to myself. People notice when you do or wear things out of the ordinary. I didn't/don't want anyone to notice me, so I stick with what I and what others know.

I know feeling this way is probably typical of moost people. Who isn't insecure about something about themselves? Not everyone, I feel, looks in the mirror and thinks 'yes! i'm the greatest!' That doesn't mean there aren't days when I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself, but for the most part, I just think...'this'll have to do' or 'I wonder if I might be pretty if I didn't have all this stupid acne covering up almost all my dumb face.' We all got things to work on.

Recently I have re-discovered my social anxiety. Not that it ever wasn't there, but it has been all too clear recently which made me announce again that yep, pretty sure I get social anxiety. And does that in and of itself fruit from a low self-esteem? That would make sense, right? Or maybe it is different, I don't know. But i'm sure it is at least related.

For example, why do I always assume people dislike me? I always do it. I always think everyone hates me, doesn't want to talk with me or ever hang out. I say I don't care if people like me and I don't care what people think of me, but deep down inside, I want them to like me. Nothing wrong with that.

So here I am, yet again blogging about my insecurities and shortcomings. I feel like I blog about this a lot, and for that i'm sorry. But hey, who needs a therapist! Look at all the things i've worked out recently! haha. Well anyway, not even sure there is anything I can do about all of these things, just accepting and working through them has been alright I guess. I could say i'm gonna start accepting compliments and hoping those things won't make me uncomfortable anymore...but i'm sure they would. I could somehow try to figure out a way to make myself believe that I am likable and people actually might like me as a person and not that everyone hates me, but i'm sure that wouldn't last long either. It's just something to live with and try to work on the best I can...like admitting it to people. I feel it's always gonna be hard for me when I am put in social situations and that just lowers my self-esteem even more and heightens my weariness and fear of rejection. What a vicious cycle I get myself into.

Anyway, if there is anyone out there reading this that too feels like they have social anxiety or a low self-esteem, you ain't the only one. I feel ya. We can be sisters or brothers in this fight against the world. Know that you are great, and I would want to talk to YOU at a party or social occasion. Maybe sometimes it is ok that we feel a little down on ourselves, but it is also ok for us to sometimes feel good about ourselves, because we are special too. Don't let the extroverts fool you into believing the ones that need to be the center of attention are the only ones that are good enough to receive compliments and make new friends at places, because that's where I will be, in the corner avoiding attention with you and we'll have a great time doin it.

There will be no resting in peace

There has been a rather morbid recurring theme in my life this past week or so, and that is death. It kind of started with the news of Cory Monteith dying, then driving past a cemetery back and forth between base camp and where we filming one day this week, then onto a funeral scene we were doing in a church and I just started a new book where the whole first chapter is about the death of this woman's mother. While at this fake funeral, it got me thinking again about what I would want my funeral to be like....(and nothing like this funeral that is happening in this movie)

I hope I don't go anytime soon, but just in case of a tragic accident, i'mma share real quick how I would hope my post death dealings would go. Well first of all, what's the deal with burying people's bodies in caskets forever? Driving past the cemetery really got me thinking about that as well. Like, that is kind of weird to me. I would really hope that if at all possible I could donate some portion of my body that is still viable to another person who is actually living that needs it. Heck, I would be dead, what do I need it for? Anyway, although the thought of just being buried is weird to me, cremation and dealing with ashes and urns seem kinda weird to me too. Anyway, we can get back to that later. 

Funerals normally are so sad, people talk, hymns are sung, you are sitting or standing in pews in a church. That seems so formal. No, when I go there better not be any sad faces in the house. I would hate to even call it a funeral because that is a depressing word in and of itself. You know what would be so much funner than a funeral? Just a party. Skip the stupid gather in a church thing. I hope everyone that I love just gathers around, listens to music, eats a lot of my favorite foods, and enjoys each others company. (there better be chocolate cake and fried chicken or I will be really disappointed in whoever planned this shindig) Sure you can still have someone come up and talk if you neeed to, but listen, we've all heard whatever any pastor or generic little message would be said. If we are all gonna sing a song together (i'll be there in spirit), I don't want it to be some slow opera sounding hymn. no. we can sing a song with a violin, electric guitar, piano, and a drum. It'll be a song about love. While y'all will be singing about God's love (you can pick a song from Mosaic that I have used in a Facebook update if you want), I will be up there partying it up and singing with you. There will be no mention of the words "rest in peace" because no, I will not be resting, I will be having the time of my life with the person that loves me the most. I will be the happiest I have ever been in my life. You guys are gonna be jealous of me...I am already jealous of the people that have already passed and are partying it up in heaven right now without me! (I mean, just think about it guys, how fun is it going to be when we all die? (...and hopefully all meet up in heaven) It's gonna be so great I can't even wait.) Anyway, enough about heaven, so point being, I just hope everyone has a good time (and also eats cotton candy, I forgot to mention that too.) Gather at someone's house, have a party in the forest (that would be awesome!), go on a hike for me, or heck even a camping trip, take your pick.

I got a text earlier this week (and once again playing on my theme) from my roommates that they were talking about how they were going to spread my ashes when I die. (Not random at all or anything) One of them said she thought i'd like to be spread over many countries and pretty places (and that she would take me to Italy.) The more I thought about that....well yea! of course that sounds like the perfect thing to do with me when I die! The ground doesn't need anymore bodies and I hear caskets are expensive! ...don't even bother with an urn, those things are tacky looking. A plastic bag in a cardboard box would be just fine! ...ok, so, I know that would be weird to be carrying around ashes, but sure, hand 'em out to all my friends and family when they go somewhere fun. Spread me across the world! It is in these times when I remember again how meaningless our physical bodies are and how short our time on earth is. It's a good reminder not to take life so seriously and worry about such trivial things. 

ANYWAY, i'm sure if anyone is reading this they have had enough of my talk and odd morbidness...although it didn't really seem that morbid to me! we all gotta die! better make the most of it, haha. Well thanks for baring with me. I'm sure if I go at 104 even (wouldn't that be a hoot, haha) no one will have read or even remember this, but still, hoping this all happens when the time comes. Thanks for baring with me. 

Love you crazy fools! 

Hello

Long time no talk, people. Not even sure what last I updated, but it doesn't matter all too much because Facebook tends to do that for me. July is now officially underway and I can't believe this year is already halfway over! Last month was both unproductive and productive at the same time. At the beginning of the month I was just finishing up a movie then went home for a little bit, which was a great time.

It is during these times when I feel a little weird about my work situation. I feel like I haven't worked in a month (which I kinda haven't) and although this work schedule is not new to me, I am still trying to justify it. I always feel like a lazy bum when i'm not working on a movie, but I have found some ways to combat this.

...I guess I did work a few days on a movie at the beginning of June (woo! not too bad) then spent some time with friends and seeing a screening of a movie I worked on before heading home. Being home was great because although there were some jobs I ended up not being able to do, I didn't have any staff PA jobs for a movie going on, so I was able to just hang out with the family and not feel bad about being home and away from any work. Plus, I got to work basketball camp...so being somewhat productive and somewhat working a little bit. After a couple weeks it was back to LA where we went to Disney and hung out. June was rounded off with extraing a couple days on True Blood, so although when I go through these days of not working for a while, I make myself feel better knowing that I diiid work that basketball camp, and those 2 days at True Blood, and that one day at the world record show.

When you aren't employed, obviously it can sometimes drive you nuts. Luckily, I am surrounded by a great group of people that keep me company in these times. At least I can save money on groceries by preparing my stomach for a food fest with friends in which I ate myself to death. At least I have friends to celebrate a late birthday with me by hitting up Disney for the day after a great morning at Mosaic. At least I can be an extra a few days a month between projects to be around a set and make some extra money. At least I have friends that invite me to see pre-screenings of movies so I don't have to go pay to see them. At least I have friends that come in to town that cook and go hiking with me so i'm not stuck in my bed or on my couch during my unemployment feelin like a fool.

All this to say, I have technically been unemployed as a PA for the past month, but I don't even mind anymore. Luckily small odd jobs come up, I can still pay my bills, and its been fun hanging out with friends and family the past month. Tomorrow is July 4th, so it is sure to be filled with good times with friends, then starting Friday luckily it is back to the grind of a steady job the rest of the month! (woo!) I work a day of pre-production in the office Friday, one last day of being an extra on Aaron's movie Sunday (chosen by Paul Thomas Anderson himself, everyone, haha ;) ) and then we start shooting the movie i'm PAing for on Monday until August! Although it has been a great month, i'm suuuuper ready for the next movie!!!

Edit:
Also a friendly shout out to youtube and new tv series that ALSO keep me quite a bit of company during unemployment. ORPHAN BLACK WHAT UUUUP?!?!

Happy

So I just got done watching a documentary entitled 'Happy' on Netflix. I feel I am a rather odd being, in that some moments I can be very happy and content with life, then the next....not so much. So I have always been kind of fascinated with happiness. I have always known (or thought I had known) what brings me happiness, just achieving and finding it could be hard at times. This documentary brings you from the bayous of Louisiana to the slums of India to the community housing in Denmark and hundred year olds in Okinawa Japan. The film features men and women who study happiness and interview different people around the world about their life and their happiness. While I pretty much knew the route this documentary was going to take, and I believe happiness comes from everything they talked about, it was still nice and one could even say refreshing watching it documented and lived out in front of me.

One of the first interviewee's was an older gentleman who lived in Louisiana and found his happiness in cruisin along the bayou on his boat, being surrounded by nature and wildlife and beautiful sunsets. All his family and friends lived within a however many mile radius and they would come together at least once a week and sit a table full of....crawdads?....and talk and have a good time. This is happiness.

Another family that was interviewed was a single mother living in a cohousing facility in Denmark. She lived in a space shared by a handful of families and everyone kind of took care of and looked out for one another. They would take turns cooking dinner and all gather together to enjoy a meal. The woman said that her life had kind of been hard, living on her own, then she found this cohousing community and it helped her out, it gave her a sense of community. This is happiness.

Another country the documentary visited was Bhutan, where in recent years they have started focusing more on their gross national happiness than their gross national product. This is a country that has said, we don't need the wealthiest people and the most money, we just want to be happy, and that is the kind of place I would want to live. While they have the resources to use their land as a way of economic gain by selling out to India, they would have to lose numerous sacred landmarks and cut down forests and tranquil places, and that is when they measure the gross national happiness v. gross national product. Sometimes the solitude, nature, and historic landmarks are worth more than money can buy. This is happiness.

Okinawa Japan has come to be known as the island with the oldest population. There are too many residents to count that are enjoying life well into their hundreds. And they are a community, they look out for each other, they take care of each other. They practice compassion and love and hard work and community. They all live as a family and come together to dance, to do community projects and to have a good time. When someone in their community goes through a hard time, they are there to pick them up, no questions asked. This unconditional love and community, this is happiness.

In the documentary they obviously interview some young, eager professional that thinks money equates with happiness, and enters the home of a young woman from Japan whose husband died essentially from working too much. While a number of people think they will find happiness in external ways, such as money, status, and possessions it is constantly proven over and over again that happiness is found in relationships, doing something and believing in something bigger than yourself, other people's happiness. It isn't a constant state or one that comes to you....the declaration of independence said it right in that it is a pursuit. Strangely enough, 50% of our happiness is genetics, 10% is made up of our possessions and our circumstances, but 40% of the rest of it is up to us, how we choose to focus our time and energy and how we react to certain situations.

For me, I have always found happiness in nature and, believe it or not, other people. Sometimes, I need my solitude...maybe and probably even more than the average human. Kinda weird, I know, but when i'm stressed, I find a secluded place in nature and just chill (or drive) for a bit. It is home to me and sometimes puts me back together. As much as I sometimes admit that I do not like people (which I should probably work on that) I have found that a little human interaction can do wonders to your mood. I have actually gone days and probably on multiple occasions when I did not talk to another soul. I have also found that on those days, I was most prone to slip into my sad days. One conversation or visit with a friend could turn that whole day around. A day spent with friends and/or family, that sometimes is worth more than any material possession. It is about being in places that you enjoy and with people that you love and having people that love you back. This. This is happiness.

Facebook

Currently evaluating my 'friends', presence, and time on Facebook. Will be back in a day or so....maybe.

Girls

So today I have ended up pretty much locking myself in my room and having a Girls marathon. I don't really expect many people that read my blog to know much about the show....nor would I really even encourage you to watch it, but it has been good for me today. Well first of all, let me just explain a bit. Girls is a show on HBO about a group of young adults who live in New York and are just trying to make it in the world. There really isn't any other show like it. Season 1 starts out with the main character, Hannah, who just recently graduated from college and is trying to find a job. She is interning and wants to be a writer. The very first episode starts outs with her eating dinner with her parents who have came to town to visit and kind of just tell her, it's time for her to start living on her own...financially. The show follows mainly the main character but also her group of friends, 3 other girls....and hence the title of the show.

Now that I kind of have you filled in on the basic gist of it, on to the reason why I am blogging about it. The thing is, I have been unemployed for a good amount of time now. I think this is actually the longest I have been in LA without having worked. It hasn't actually seemed that long because annie came to visit and there were wrap parties for the movie and annie came again and big bear and disneyland, but now that I have been sitting around the past couple days, I am realizing how long it has been and I have been feeling bad about it. And it isn't like I haven't been trying. I have been e-mailing as many people as I can. I have sent in my application on the staffmeup website. I have called central casting probably hundreds of times. I can't even be an extra! It is times like this when I...anyone...people in general get down and discouraged. Sometimes I forget that i'm not the only one in the world that is trying to make it, that doesn't always have it together and life figured out. I've been feeling a little like a failure in that I haven't been working, but after watching this show, I don't feel so singled out. I am 22. Sometimes I don't always have to have everything together. Not everyone my age has a steady job and everything figured out and that's ok. These girls on this show, they don't know what the heck they are doing. Sometimes they aren't employed and that's ok, they survive. Sometimes they feel overwhelmed by the world and that we need to have everything figured out and put together....and we don't. But who cares. A lot of us don't. We are all just trying to figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while to find a job and it isn't all our fault. We can only do the best we can and hope something ok comes out of it.

I gotta be honest, I am not really too much of a worrier, however I do tend to think about my finances a lot. I like to be careful, thoughtful, and conscientious with my money. I am rather frugal...and probably sometimes to the point of ridiculousness, but it has worked for me. That being said, because of my last movie, I do have enough money to pay for all my expenses for next month, which is always great. I don't mean to say in this next thought that i'm going to stop looking for a job...because honestly I think i will go mental if I don't get some sort of job soon, but I feel that at this point of my life, it's ok to not stress too much about being unemployed for a few weeks. Another job will come eventually. I feel like maybe I spend too much of my time stressing about finding a job or making sure i'll have enough money for all of my expenses, but at this point, I do and I have done the best that I can. I think I am finally coming to the point where I need to stop beating myself up over this fact, acting like i'm the only unemployed person out there.  I am not. But at least I am trying. At least I have enough for everything I need. I am only 22 and living the life of a PA, so I gotta live it up while I can, yea?

Anyway, I know this has been super long, but what else do I have to do. I mean, I did just write a novel about how I was unemployed so, there ya go, haha. I am going to try to stay in this headspace for as long as I can, because knowing me I will be back to feeling bad about it in no time....watching other shows and seeing other people's lives being successful and having a great old time at my age (I do that way to often) But for now, I guess i'll just chill and keep doing my thing. You can only do what you can do...and i'm doin it.



*Bonus encouragement from Girls...if needed.

Hannah as portrayed by Lena Dunham

So I guess I kinda ended this blog but there was also a part about Girls that I wanted to mention but now going back and rereading what I wrote, I wouldn't know where to add it...so i'll just throw it in down here. I just wanted to add how glad I am not only of the type of character(s) being played, but also what they look like. In a world where I watch tv and there are beautiful skinny people all over the place (I mean, one of the shows i'm mildly obsessed with is entitled PRETTY little liars for heavens sake) it is nice to see a 'normal' looking girl portrayed. The main character/creator/writer/director behind girls is lena dunham. And here would be typical Hannah ->.  I am NOT saying that she is ugly, I am just saying that she doesn't make me feel bad about myself when I see her and look down and notice the toll that catering/crafty has taken on me unlike most of all my other favorite characters on tv. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is. I just really appreciate the realness of these characters and I kind of wish there were more of them on tv. Cause nothin kills your self esteem like seeing Naya Rivera and Shay Mitchell on your screen every week, ain't nobody got time to live up to that!!

What I meant was

I know not too many people read this without me posting the link on Facebook, but even so I have been informed that my update's may be taken the wrong way.....and although I am good and happy, what I meant by my previous post is this,

“You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody’s one and only.”
              —Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

This time of night...

So it is at this time of night, especially, when my brain likes to beat itself up. I think we all do it. When we are just lying in bed and start questioning life. The little things, the big things, things that happened that day or will happen tomorrow. For me it is usually my lonely future. It is at this time of night where my self control really needs to kick in to stop me from updating my facebook status every night about this feeling. Tonight, I almost lost that fight. I almost posted a line from Missy Higgins 'Watering Hole' which I just so happened to embed in my last post. Just in case you still don't know what i'm talking about with the song (which, how dare you if you don't! go listen to it right now! it is a good song, haha ;) But the lyrics in question were: "But every night one by one all of the beasts I once ran from crawl out of the darkness and into my bed, these vultures of light they must be fed” ...which basically perfectly describes all my nights. But tonight, (and all day, actually) I have been listening to a new artist whose cd I downloaded today. Right when I went to update about this song, make everyone see what i've been feeling, a song came on. A song almost the opposite. Well, not really, but just a different way to handle these feelings I guess. Kind of like an answer to Watering Hole. Instead of letting these thoughts take over, you look at the positive. You remember the flowers and the sunrise and friends and you float in the water that tries to wash over you. The artist is Ben Howard and the song is entitled 'These Waters'. I was going to include my favorite line from the song, but when I went to go grab it I realized it was actually the first verse and a half and the chorus....but i'll go ahead and post it anyway, since it is my blog after all and I can do what I want. ;)

"And through it all, I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart. Yeah through it all, I fooled and fumbled, lost to the poet's frown. I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.
See these waters they'll pull you up, Oh now if you're bolder than the darkness. My my, let these songs be an instrument to cut, Oh spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness.Yeah my my, spaces 'tween the happiness and the hardness"

Here is the song if you are to give it a listen.

As I understand it....

Sometimes, I feel a little lonely. And I can't really claim to be a lonely person all too often these days, because I have been able to meet so many people after moving to LA. At any given point in time I have a good amount of people I can text to occupy my time, but sometimes knowing that doesn't stop the loneliness from creeping in. I think it has to do with the depth of friendship as well with the people you encounter, text, and hang out with. I know there are a good amount of people who love me, I mean, mainly family, but recently more particularly....or rather kinda always I guess, their love can't fill this void and it agitates me when/if they think it can. I see so many people, especially now at my age, in loving relationships and freaking getting married and having kids. I mean, that's all good and well for them, but for people to want me to be content with love from my family my whole life is a little unfair. I am mainly writing this for myself to get it out, but if someone just happens to be reading this, can I offer to put you in my shoes for a minute. You are constantly surrounded by the images of love. Couples, engagements, marriages, dates, baby announcements. And there you sit. Always watching from the sidelines. Sometimes you try to stand up but no, the world keeps telling you to sit back down. You go to speak and try to stand up again but you are told that the love of your family and friends should be enough. Sure, you can watch everyone else enjoying their relationships, but you don't need that, YOU HAVE THE LOVE OF YOUR FAMILY FOR HEAVENS SAKE, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT ANYTHING MORE? You can put your own shoes back on now and go back to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. But why? Why do you have a companion to begin with? Is the love from your family and friends not good enough? Well of course it is good, and everyone needs that love. I don't know what I would do without it. But no, sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes we need a love different than our family and friends can give us. A love that will comfort you at the end of the day. To know that there is someone out there that cares about you, wants to hang out with you, smiles when you smile and cries when you cry. Someone to hold your hand in the good times and the bad. Someone to share your adventures and non-adventures with. To cozy up on the couch and keep you warm when it is cold. To share years and memories of all these times. I hear what you are saying. I have read into your comments. Because I am gay, I do not deserve to have these things. I shouldn't be able to feel the same things you feel and make the same memories you make. I should be content with the love of my friends and the love of my family. Amy stop being selfish. But the thing is. Sometimes I am. Sometimes when the nights are cold and lonely, your love isn't enough. Your love is too far away from me. Your love isn't the kind of love I can get by on for the rest of my life. You don't have to live that way so why should I? I know I am sounding needy at this point, but these are the thoughts that still sadden my nights when i'm left to an empty room and full computer screen. When all I see are happy couples and the thought that being my moms valentine on Valentines day is what my life is subject to.

Sorry to ramble, but that is what happens when i'm left with just me, my thoughts, and my loneliness on most nights. If you would like a perfect explanation in the form of a song, here it is. I have never heard this feeling been wrote about in such an honest and complete dead on way. And not just about love. But about all the thoughts that keep you up at night. Such an intriguing way to write it as well.

Traffic Thoughts

So I have this problem where when i'm stuck in my car (and especially in traffic) I come up with good blog ideas and motivate myself to finally write an update, but then by the time I get home and get on my computer, I get lost and distracted on other social media websites and 2 months have gone by and I haven't even opened up my blog. So here I am finally dusting off this blog again, but only of course after I have completely forgotten today what I had come on here to write. (I'm great at just never getting to a point or talking about anything really....it's a wonder if anyone is even reading this or reads this blog at all, haha. Good for you. The patience.) So anyway, I digress.

Oh yes, so a year ago today. (Look, I for once remembered something!) I'm not sure if you have seen this on my facebook, but I have this app called Timehop and it shows you all your status updates from a year, 2 years, 3 years, etc, ago today. It is actually pretty cool and it's fun looking back on what I was up to a year ago today. So this plays a part of my story, but I will for now put it on hold while I continue. Just keep it in the back of your mind when I mention it later.

So i've been working on this movie called Blood of Redemption. (also another reason why I have yet to have the strength to update this here blog. Basically, when I am on a movie, don't expect much from me except a random amount of facebook updates when I am doing a lock-up) We finally wrapped last night and oh my gosh, this movie. So for this movie, I had the unfortunate job of working crafty since that was a paying position and a PA wasn't. (PA meaning production assistant and crafty being craft service, having food and drinks available for the crew in between mean times...just for some people that might not know.) So anyway, turns out being crafty is the absolute worst job you can get on a movie set and I am definitely not cut out for it. It is especially terrible when you are being way underfunded and half of your budget is going to drinks and ice. The thing about crafty is, you have to please everyone. Everyone always wants something or expects something from you, but sometimes YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR THAT and people don't understand that. No one is ever happy because you can't produce what they want, you are always running out of food because you can only buy so much with the money you are given. If I never hear the phrase "do you have___" again, I will still have heard it more than I want to. I will stop ranting about crafty for a moment because in my desperation to escape people and soul sucking area known as crafty I would go and help the 2nd AD with some of her production stuff. This I think was one of the redeeming factors of the movie (if it had any at all) I made her and Aaron (who was Ket Set PA) put me to work as much as I could. I helped Stephenie (2nd AD) with her PR's (production reports) organized her paper work, helped with the daily time sheets, staple the maps to the call sheets, anything I could do really that would make me feel productive. I never really thought I would enjoy being a second AD because they are in the production office quite a bit, but after helping stephenie for this shoot, I realized it really isn't too terrible of a place if I ever do find myself in a position to work myself up to being a second AD. So anyway, now that I completely went off on another tangent of sorts.....

As much as I completely and utterly hated this movie at times (which I really did, this has probably been the most stressful project I have worked on) there were some good moments. I met some great people that made me laugh and I wouldn't mind working with again, I was able to learn how to do a production report, I was able to work with some other people i've worked with before again. Driving home from work, even on some of those days I felt defeated, I was reminded that even then, I would still much rather be doing this than what I was a year ago. Yesterday Annie, Edwin and I took a mad tour of downtown. We spent our day waaalking and walking, but having fun and enjoying each others company (and eating of course.) And it was either yesterday or the day before when Edwin had told me that he finally finished watching my little documentary I did of my senior year last year. He reminded me of the little voice over part I did at the end, where I mentioned looking forward to the new people I was going to meet wherever I ended up.....that that he and Aaron were indeed the new people I met! This is true. I am reminded daily of how far I have come in a year. Yesterdays status updates from a year ago today included the quotes: "It would be very nice to have a friend again. I would like that even more than a date" and "I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not knowing things sometimes."See a year ago today I was reading one of my all time favorite books, The Perks of Being A Wallflower and very much sympathizing with the main character. But I can't help but only look back and smile and think that even though this job kinda sucked for me, look at where I am today. I have found some truely great friends where I no longer feel the pain in those quotes. While I might get a little defeated, at the end of the day I am working on a movie in LA and at the end of the month it will be over and I will find my next project (hopefelly, if anyone is reading this and is in LA...i'm looking for work! haha)

So while I know this update has been the approximate length of a novel so far, it was one of my 'traffic thoughts.' How kinda sad my life was a year ago at this time (I mean, I had good times, don't get me wrong buuut...) and how grateful I am that in the middle of chaos and frustration, at least you have some good friends to share some memories with, and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

And i'm not letting it bury me anymore... (Bring the beat in)

Ok. Been debating writing this blog for quite some time now. Still not decided if I want to post the link to it on Facebook where a couple people might actually read it or just wait it out since i'm sure not many people would read it unless I post it on Facebook. (see how i'm already avoiding the main topic?) But people say they don't want to talk about important things over the internet or how we shouldn't document our personal lives on the computer....except the thing is, that is kinda exactly what this blog is about. And to be honest, a lot of people wouldn't know much about me or what i'm up to if it wasn't for the internet. And this is my space and this is where i've gone to sort through thoughts and a place I would go on a lonely night. Its been here and is almost like a little diary for me sometimes. A diary that I happen to put on the internet and crazily offer people to read. I figured since I let you into my mind (as the smaller header indicates, haha) it wouldn't be honest if I didn't share a part that has influenced this blog.

At my age and even at the start of college, or better yet high school...heck, we can take it back to middle school and even preschool, people are always asking about boyfriends or if there is anyone you (proverbial) like or are talking to. It is just something that our society and culture is interested in I guess. Or maybe it is just a good conversation filler, I don't know. But these questions are always more frequent around my age....and when everyone you know is getting engaged or having babies. Luckily for me, I guess people have stopped trying....or maybe they thought they would know already since I post way too much on facebook, haha. I normally try not to discuss my singleness because then it becomes awkward and people are assuring me how great I am and of course I will find someone some day. Well, you know, I know i'm awesome. I think I would be a great girlfriend. (Depending on your definition of fun) I am a fun person and would like to make myself think I can make people laugh on occasion. But the thing is, you really don't want me to be dating someone. I've seen it on Facebook, I hear it when you talk, you've flat out told me it would be better not to and I can see it in the voting polls. You may be thinking to yourself, 'i've never said anything of the sort!' buuut, there is one thing you may not know, and that is if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a guy. I'm not attracted to them, never really have been. And you can make excuses and people have told me I haven't found the right guy yet, but you're just fooling yourself. I can't make myself magically become attracted to a guy as much as I can't magically make you become attracted to a girl...or a guy, whichever gender you may happen to be. We can't choose the people we like, and trust me my life would be so much easier if I could, because I still have no idea why anyone would want to choose to be gay....just look at the number of gay teen suicides and the amount of bullying, hate, and disgust they receive. People look down on you and choose not to acknowledge your relationships and treat them as inferior. In only 9 of 50 states are gays given the same rights. And it isn't just about the term 'marriage' but the fact that there are a number of legal and financial rights and benefits given to only married couples.

Alright, alright, this update wasn't to discuss the plight of gay people, so I apologize, if anyone is still reading at this point. I knowI have already told a handful of people and if you have really read a few of my other posts you may not be tooo surprised....or maybe you just didn't catch on and you are....and if so, I am sorry. I kind of thought that maybe this whole situation had just gotten to the 'don't ask don't tell' point because really, I mean really, you are reading this now so you surely have read some of my other posts and Facebook. Regardless, after telling some people I have honestly felt much better. I felt like there was this huge thing that was always weighing me down and the more I got it out, the easier it was. It is who I am and after tears, after confusion, after prayer, after being mad at God, after acceptance and after everything, I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking i'm someone that i'm not. I don't want people to assume that one day I am gonna come home with a boyfriend or that I will get married one day. So when I make posts saying I will never get married or get engaged, this is why. As much as I wish I was joking and being dramatic, i'm really not. So I guess this is the life I am left with. I didn't choose it, but it was dealt to me. Maybe I won't know what it's like to bring someone home to meet the family, to get married and to be a soccer mom, but such is life.....

I had sworn I would take this to my grave not telling anyone, and that made me feel better about it. But after so many years, it just weighs you down and I feel like I am finally at the point in my life where I really don't care anymore and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I feel like everything is finally falling into place. I am happier and more content with life than I have ever been, and I am ready to start off 2013 perfectly. I just needed to get this out, to finally just be free and happy and honest. It will be terrifying to hit that publish button and share this with everyone given everyones stance on the issue (not a favorable one) but this is MY life and i'm not letting it bury me anymore.