As it turns out, I have a rather low self esteem

Today I had to be an extra on the movie I am working on. Originally they told me to bring upscale clothes because the scene takes place outside a high-end fashion mall. I reluctantly agreed to try to come up with something in my wardrobe that could make people believe I had any ounce of upscaleness in me. (I told them I would make a great homeless person, 12 year old boy, or hiker if they wanted to take me to Yosemite, but I wasn't making any promises for this scene.) We ended up coming up with an outfit to wear and as I was heading to set the wardrobe girl was saying how cute I looked. She mentioned it to someone else, who agreed, as I was nodding my head no. I didn't believe them and ignored anyone else who tried to chime in, in the nicest way possible.

So this update may be a little tooo personal for anyone to really care about, but this thing has kind of turned into a space for me get things out and work through life, so here it is.

Growing up I was always one of the smallest if not THE smallest person in the class. I have since kinda grown into a normal size, but I still kind of miss not being the shortest. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way tall, but I liked being short. ...shorter than average. I felt as if it was easier to get lost in the crowed, to go unnoticed. I've had the same hair and basically clothes style all my life, for fear of changing things up too much would draw any unwanted attention to myself. People notice when you do or wear things out of the ordinary. I didn't/don't want anyone to notice me, so I stick with what I and what others know.

I know feeling this way is probably typical of moost people. Who isn't insecure about something about themselves? Not everyone, I feel, looks in the mirror and thinks 'yes! i'm the greatest!' That doesn't mean there aren't days when I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself, but for the most part, I just think...'this'll have to do' or 'I wonder if I might be pretty if I didn't have all this stupid acne covering up almost all my dumb face.' We all got things to work on.

Recently I have re-discovered my social anxiety. Not that it ever wasn't there, but it has been all too clear recently which made me announce again that yep, pretty sure I get social anxiety. And does that in and of itself fruit from a low self-esteem? That would make sense, right? Or maybe it is different, I don't know. But i'm sure it is at least related.

For example, why do I always assume people dislike me? I always do it. I always think everyone hates me, doesn't want to talk with me or ever hang out. I say I don't care if people like me and I don't care what people think of me, but deep down inside, I want them to like me. Nothing wrong with that.

So here I am, yet again blogging about my insecurities and shortcomings. I feel like I blog about this a lot, and for that i'm sorry. But hey, who needs a therapist! Look at all the things i've worked out recently! haha. Well anyway, not even sure there is anything I can do about all of these things, just accepting and working through them has been alright I guess. I could say i'm gonna start accepting compliments and hoping those things won't make me uncomfortable anymore...but i'm sure they would. I could somehow try to figure out a way to make myself believe that I am likable and people actually might like me as a person and not that everyone hates me, but i'm sure that wouldn't last long either. It's just something to live with and try to work on the best I can...like admitting it to people. I feel it's always gonna be hard for me when I am put in social situations and that just lowers my self-esteem even more and heightens my weariness and fear of rejection. What a vicious cycle I get myself into.

Anyway, if there is anyone out there reading this that too feels like they have social anxiety or a low self-esteem, you ain't the only one. I feel ya. We can be sisters or brothers in this fight against the world. Know that you are great, and I would want to talk to YOU at a party or social occasion. Maybe sometimes it is ok that we feel a little down on ourselves, but it is also ok for us to sometimes feel good about ourselves, because we are special too. Don't let the extroverts fool you into believing the ones that need to be the center of attention are the only ones that are good enough to receive compliments and make new friends at places, because that's where I will be, in the corner avoiding attention with you and we'll have a great time doin it.