As it turns out, I have a rather low self esteem

Today I had to be an extra on the movie I am working on. Originally they told me to bring upscale clothes because the scene takes place outside a high-end fashion mall. I reluctantly agreed to try to come up with something in my wardrobe that could make people believe I had any ounce of upscaleness in me. (I told them I would make a great homeless person, 12 year old boy, or hiker if they wanted to take me to Yosemite, but I wasn't making any promises for this scene.) We ended up coming up with an outfit to wear and as I was heading to set the wardrobe girl was saying how cute I looked. She mentioned it to someone else, who agreed, as I was nodding my head no. I didn't believe them and ignored anyone else who tried to chime in, in the nicest way possible.

So this update may be a little tooo personal for anyone to really care about, but this thing has kind of turned into a space for me get things out and work through life, so here it is.

Growing up I was always one of the smallest if not THE smallest person in the class. I have since kinda grown into a normal size, but I still kind of miss not being the shortest. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way tall, but I liked being short. ...shorter than average. I felt as if it was easier to get lost in the crowed, to go unnoticed. I've had the same hair and basically clothes style all my life, for fear of changing things up too much would draw any unwanted attention to myself. People notice when you do or wear things out of the ordinary. I didn't/don't want anyone to notice me, so I stick with what I and what others know.

I know feeling this way is probably typical of moost people. Who isn't insecure about something about themselves? Not everyone, I feel, looks in the mirror and thinks 'yes! i'm the greatest!' That doesn't mean there aren't days when I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself, but for the most part, I just think...'this'll have to do' or 'I wonder if I might be pretty if I didn't have all this stupid acne covering up almost all my dumb face.' We all got things to work on.

Recently I have re-discovered my social anxiety. Not that it ever wasn't there, but it has been all too clear recently which made me announce again that yep, pretty sure I get social anxiety. And does that in and of itself fruit from a low self-esteem? That would make sense, right? Or maybe it is different, I don't know. But i'm sure it is at least related.

For example, why do I always assume people dislike me? I always do it. I always think everyone hates me, doesn't want to talk with me or ever hang out. I say I don't care if people like me and I don't care what people think of me, but deep down inside, I want them to like me. Nothing wrong with that.

So here I am, yet again blogging about my insecurities and shortcomings. I feel like I blog about this a lot, and for that i'm sorry. But hey, who needs a therapist! Look at all the things i've worked out recently! haha. Well anyway, not even sure there is anything I can do about all of these things, just accepting and working through them has been alright I guess. I could say i'm gonna start accepting compliments and hoping those things won't make me uncomfortable anymore...but i'm sure they would. I could somehow try to figure out a way to make myself believe that I am likable and people actually might like me as a person and not that everyone hates me, but i'm sure that wouldn't last long either. It's just something to live with and try to work on the best I can...like admitting it to people. I feel it's always gonna be hard for me when I am put in social situations and that just lowers my self-esteem even more and heightens my weariness and fear of rejection. What a vicious cycle I get myself into.

Anyway, if there is anyone out there reading this that too feels like they have social anxiety or a low self-esteem, you ain't the only one. I feel ya. We can be sisters or brothers in this fight against the world. Know that you are great, and I would want to talk to YOU at a party or social occasion. Maybe sometimes it is ok that we feel a little down on ourselves, but it is also ok for us to sometimes feel good about ourselves, because we are special too. Don't let the extroverts fool you into believing the ones that need to be the center of attention are the only ones that are good enough to receive compliments and make new friends at places, because that's where I will be, in the corner avoiding attention with you and we'll have a great time doin it.

There will be no resting in peace

There has been a rather morbid recurring theme in my life this past week or so, and that is death. It kind of started with the news of Cory Monteith dying, then driving past a cemetery back and forth between base camp and where we filming one day this week, then onto a funeral scene we were doing in a church and I just started a new book where the whole first chapter is about the death of this woman's mother. While at this fake funeral, it got me thinking again about what I would want my funeral to be like....(and nothing like this funeral that is happening in this movie)

I hope I don't go anytime soon, but just in case of a tragic accident, i'mma share real quick how I would hope my post death dealings would go. Well first of all, what's the deal with burying people's bodies in caskets forever? Driving past the cemetery really got me thinking about that as well. Like, that is kind of weird to me. I would really hope that if at all possible I could donate some portion of my body that is still viable to another person who is actually living that needs it. Heck, I would be dead, what do I need it for? Anyway, although the thought of just being buried is weird to me, cremation and dealing with ashes and urns seem kinda weird to me too. Anyway, we can get back to that later. 

Funerals normally are so sad, people talk, hymns are sung, you are sitting or standing in pews in a church. That seems so formal. No, when I go there better not be any sad faces in the house. I would hate to even call it a funeral because that is a depressing word in and of itself. You know what would be so much funner than a funeral? Just a party. Skip the stupid gather in a church thing. I hope everyone that I love just gathers around, listens to music, eats a lot of my favorite foods, and enjoys each others company. (there better be chocolate cake and fried chicken or I will be really disappointed in whoever planned this shindig) Sure you can still have someone come up and talk if you neeed to, but listen, we've all heard whatever any pastor or generic little message would be said. If we are all gonna sing a song together (i'll be there in spirit), I don't want it to be some slow opera sounding hymn. no. we can sing a song with a violin, electric guitar, piano, and a drum. It'll be a song about love. While y'all will be singing about God's love (you can pick a song from Mosaic that I have used in a Facebook update if you want), I will be up there partying it up and singing with you. There will be no mention of the words "rest in peace" because no, I will not be resting, I will be having the time of my life with the person that loves me the most. I will be the happiest I have ever been in my life. You guys are gonna be jealous of me...I am already jealous of the people that have already passed and are partying it up in heaven right now without me! (I mean, just think about it guys, how fun is it going to be when we all die? (...and hopefully all meet up in heaven) It's gonna be so great I can't even wait.) Anyway, enough about heaven, so point being, I just hope everyone has a good time (and also eats cotton candy, I forgot to mention that too.) Gather at someone's house, have a party in the forest (that would be awesome!), go on a hike for me, or heck even a camping trip, take your pick.

I got a text earlier this week (and once again playing on my theme) from my roommates that they were talking about how they were going to spread my ashes when I die. (Not random at all or anything) One of them said she thought i'd like to be spread over many countries and pretty places (and that she would take me to Italy.) The more I thought about that....well yea! of course that sounds like the perfect thing to do with me when I die! The ground doesn't need anymore bodies and I hear caskets are expensive! ...don't even bother with an urn, those things are tacky looking. A plastic bag in a cardboard box would be just fine! ...ok, so, I know that would be weird to be carrying around ashes, but sure, hand 'em out to all my friends and family when they go somewhere fun. Spread me across the world! It is in these times when I remember again how meaningless our physical bodies are and how short our time on earth is. It's a good reminder not to take life so seriously and worry about such trivial things. 

ANYWAY, i'm sure if anyone is reading this they have had enough of my talk and odd morbidness...although it didn't really seem that morbid to me! we all gotta die! better make the most of it, haha. Well thanks for baring with me. I'm sure if I go at 104 even (wouldn't that be a hoot, haha) no one will have read or even remember this, but still, hoping this all happens when the time comes. Thanks for baring with me. 

Love you crazy fools! 

Hello

Long time no talk, people. Not even sure what last I updated, but it doesn't matter all too much because Facebook tends to do that for me. July is now officially underway and I can't believe this year is already halfway over! Last month was both unproductive and productive at the same time. At the beginning of the month I was just finishing up a movie then went home for a little bit, which was a great time.

It is during these times when I feel a little weird about my work situation. I feel like I haven't worked in a month (which I kinda haven't) and although this work schedule is not new to me, I am still trying to justify it. I always feel like a lazy bum when i'm not working on a movie, but I have found some ways to combat this.

...I guess I did work a few days on a movie at the beginning of June (woo! not too bad) then spent some time with friends and seeing a screening of a movie I worked on before heading home. Being home was great because although there were some jobs I ended up not being able to do, I didn't have any staff PA jobs for a movie going on, so I was able to just hang out with the family and not feel bad about being home and away from any work. Plus, I got to work basketball camp...so being somewhat productive and somewhat working a little bit. After a couple weeks it was back to LA where we went to Disney and hung out. June was rounded off with extraing a couple days on True Blood, so although when I go through these days of not working for a while, I make myself feel better knowing that I diiid work that basketball camp, and those 2 days at True Blood, and that one day at the world record show.

When you aren't employed, obviously it can sometimes drive you nuts. Luckily, I am surrounded by a great group of people that keep me company in these times. At least I can save money on groceries by preparing my stomach for a food fest with friends in which I ate myself to death. At least I have friends to celebrate a late birthday with me by hitting up Disney for the day after a great morning at Mosaic. At least I can be an extra a few days a month between projects to be around a set and make some extra money. At least I have friends that invite me to see pre-screenings of movies so I don't have to go pay to see them. At least I have friends that come in to town that cook and go hiking with me so i'm not stuck in my bed or on my couch during my unemployment feelin like a fool.

All this to say, I have technically been unemployed as a PA for the past month, but I don't even mind anymore. Luckily small odd jobs come up, I can still pay my bills, and its been fun hanging out with friends and family the past month. Tomorrow is July 4th, so it is sure to be filled with good times with friends, then starting Friday luckily it is back to the grind of a steady job the rest of the month! (woo!) I work a day of pre-production in the office Friday, one last day of being an extra on Aaron's movie Sunday (chosen by Paul Thomas Anderson himself, everyone, haha ;) ) and then we start shooting the movie i'm PAing for on Monday until August! Although it has been a great month, i'm suuuuper ready for the next movie!!!

Edit:
Also a friendly shout out to youtube and new tv series that ALSO keep me quite a bit of company during unemployment. ORPHAN BLACK WHAT UUUUP?!?!