One More Time

Alright, alright, I know i've posted a lot about Mosaic but I just have one more thing to share. I went on their website tonight to see if they have live streaming because they are having kind of a special service tomorrow and I found out they have all the messages posted on iTunes. I went on the page to check it out, and ended up watching the message from last week. It was from a different service than I went to because there were some different things, but it was just as good the second time around. I know everyone is busy and especially around the holidays....and who wants to spend the little free time they have watching a message from a church service, haha....but, if you do feel so inclined or you miss a church service of your own, I would encourage you to check out what is going on at Mosaic. I'll include the link which then redirects you to iTunes and you can download their podcasts for free...I even added it to my iPhone so if you don't have time now to watch it, it can be there for another time. Anyway, didn't want to make another huge update, but thought I would just share my new discovery if anyone might be interested. Hope anyone that reads this enjoying the season and has a great Christmas. ...and if not, then I believe the service 2 weeks ago had the 'no more gloom!' theme if you would want to check that out as well, haha ;) Thanks for putting up with me.

Here is the link to the podcast:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mosaic-video-podcast/id142417894

"The only way to relate to me is in coolness, and you don't have that"

So I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, just have either been too busy or too lazy. In all honesty, I am finally writing it right now because I know if I don't do it know, who knows when I will, because I could probably handle going to sleep right now....it is, after all, already 12:15 at night after a long but oh so fun day, but anyway, I digress, none of this has to do with anything! (ADD) So, Mosaic.

Mosaic is the name of the Church I have been going to whenever I can since i've moved to LA and was recommended to check it out. I could talk about my first couple experiences and blah blah blah, but it just boils down to, I love it. I find myself looking forward to going on Sunday mornings and never leaving without a feeling of contentment and joy. This holiday season Hank (one of the pastors whom I have come to really enjoy) has been preaching a series entitled Home for Christmas. A couple weeks ago he talked about building our house. Having us tell the people we sit around the name of our house...so for example I was Amy, house of Ergle. We live our lives making a name for ourselves and we sometimes forget that the choices we make show who we are and effect the household and family we are in or are trying to make (make good choices!). Last week Hank talked about finding peace, using Christ as a steady center and cornerstone to bring us peace. The theme for last week was 'no more gloom'. He made us repeat that aloud a few times and then spread that energy to anyone we encountered. There was to be "no more gloom!" because this was going to be the best christmas ever. The 'best Christmas ever' theme has kind of been carried along the whole time, including today. We went through and talked about all of the names Jesus was described as when He was first mentioned back in Isaiah...9 to be exact. The first word to ever describe Jesus was wonderful. He is wonderful. A counselor (our strategist), mighty God (worrier God, not a force that can knock him over), everlasting Father (protecting us and giving us everlasting souls and life), Prince of peace (brings peace inside of us, inside our soul), and He is not going anywhere. He also mentioned the zeal that He has for us...maybe even greater than love, a kind of passion that is unstoppable, a thing that when decided upon will get accomplished. Hearing all of these things today only solidifies the love He has for us and the trust I can completely put in Him. Hearing not only these little lessons but about how Christmas actually started and how the attitudes and actions of Christians really effect the view from the rest of the country's and world's point of view. I will stop myself before I go onto a tangent, but even as I wrote my last blog update about music (at mosaic), I have also come to look forward to the message just as much. ....although since I brought it up, Mosaic sure does know how to do Christmas music! I've never actually really loved the whole come to the service during Christmas time and sing nothing but Silent Night, etc. but by golly Mosaic has done it. I don't know if it is just this point in my life where I am finally appreciating some of these songs more by paying a little more attention, but I am getting into these Christmas songs! And last week the closing song was little drummer boy. They had a guy up on the stage drumming away on a drum, like from a drum line, and then all of the sudden the doors swing wide open behind me and a dang drum line comes marching in all drumming away! It was awesome. And the week before where they had this awesome string section set up on stage that played a BEAUTIFUL instrumental piece. Which brings me to today when I walked in and saw a choir in the choir robes on the side of the stage....lead by....who only, (hopefully not to sound offensive here) a black guy and girl. And it. was. awesome. After a couple songs Hank came up to let the choir and the lead singers know they were bringing the heat, but us as the congregation....not so much. He then went on to say that sometimes you can go to church...and then you can go to CHURCH (you know what i'm talking about) He encouraged us all to sway, even dance, if you will (...but only within the walls of our church, because we were, after all, white folk) So he made the 2 main singers lead us in a sway as we got back to bringin the house dzown. I could go on and on about the little things like that that happen every sunday that just bring a smile to my face. The way we all, as a congregation chant "No more gloom!" or tell the people next to us it is going to be the 'best christmas ever!' or I 'represent the house of Ergle'. The title of this post is an actual quote from Hank, which he thought as his 17 year old self in relation to his parents' He keeps the conversation honest and real....and funny. He makes us, as a group of believes, realize we need to be accountable for the view the rest of the world see's of us. And not that we are here to BE God or judge or use Him as the pedestal piece of an argument or political party, but to be the little piece of relief someone might need in their day, a group that has accepted the peace and love of God and is sharing it with the rest of the world. I know this has been long and there I things I could have left out but there has been even more that I already have, and I wanted to share this beautiful place with you all...if only just a little bit of the things that I have learned and observed from the little while I have been attending. I feel if more churches and people were like mosaic, we might have a better wrap as Christians, I don't know. But I do know that place is filled with love and joy and compassion and gratitude and I can't get enough.

Late Night Ramblings

Well, enough time has passed yet again to make another update….also, I have been without cable and the internet the past 2 days at the house and as it turns out, my computer is pretty useless to me without the internet so, figured I could give it a little love by at least typing up some sort of update. I really have no idea what to say given the fact that anyone that is going to read this already knows what I have been up to since the last update. (filming Daniel, going to Thailand and going home for Thanksgiving, all very fun and great experiences) I could go on about what I’ll be doing the rest of the year and/or looking back on the awesome second half of this year but, I already do that too much. I thought maybe tonight I could share with you something I read tonight. It is from the Jesus Calling devotional, which starts out: 

“I LOVE YOU with an everlasting Love, which flows out from the depths of eternity. Before you were born, I knew you. Ponder the awesome mystery of a Love that encompasses you from before birth to beyond the grave.”  

I love that. So often I go through living my life, not really thinking about God yet all the while still knowing and appreciating what he does for me. I know different people have different times and do different things that make them feel closest to God, but when I read and hear stuff like that, those are some of the times I feel closest to Him. I know I should spend time with him everyday, do I? No. I know I should read my bible everyday (or even often) do I? No. I know I should pray more than I do and be more charitable. And does knowing that I am failing in all of these areas make me feel bad? Well, yea. But that just blows my mind even more when I read things like that excerpt above. We (I) don’t do what we(I) are supposed to. We(I) are idiots. We (I) let God down. But in spite of all of that. In spite of our sin, in spite of us not talking to him, in spite of not pursuing a deeper relationship with Him, he still loves us with an everlasting love. A love that no matter what we do, He is always there for us. I wouldn’t say I’ve had a terrible life at all, but I have had a few bumps in the road and in those times, no matter how distant I thought I might have made myself from God, I could always feel him right there with me. No matter how lonely I got, there was always one consistent being with me the whole time shouting I LOVE YOU. There is nothing in the world more comforting to me than feeling those words. Yea, people can throw those 3 words around, and I have heard it said to me and questioned what exactly that meant. But when I sing it. When I read it. It takes over my being and gives me the contentness (not a word, but it is now) that can not be matched in this world. I know I could do my part more, and what I’m just about to say is partially up to me, but I really hope everyone in the world can get that chance, that feeling. The feeling of knowing how much they are loved, and no matter what ANYONE else says and no matter what they do or if they even believe it or not, that love will never go away. I’m sure I know it is a selfish thing of me crave, but I enjoy those moments during the Sunday morning worship service the most. When I can hear songs of His love and proclaim right back at him that He will always be the one I will run to, and despite my actions, the one I love. 

My 101st post!

I didn't realize until I went to make another update that my last one was my 100th post. Wow. I can't believe this thing has been going that long! I mean, I know there have been some dry spells, but i think i've kept it up rather frequently. ...given the fact that I post so much on Facebook so people pretty much know what I am up to, for the most part. ANYWAY, onto why I came on here in the first place.

After my last downloading of pictures from my camera to iPhoto, I realized there was so much stuff I have never uploaded to Facebook. Seeing as I am already so far behind, I figured I could just give my blog a sample. I have a bunch from just hanging out around town and then I have a different album for all the sets i've been on. I figured that since I talk about work rather frequently, I can now show some pics of those sets. So, let the fun begin! 

*Note: If you just click a picture, you can scroll through the full size images if you so choose.

Flare: The Hunt

...setting up for a behind the scenes interview.

We shot at an old, abandoned Sears building.

(Sitting in the interview seat)

Let the interview begin.

This was a cool set up. (I was controlling the fire ;) )

Short Term 12.

View from parking

lunch that reminded me of a Sunday night dinner ;) 

lighting set up

water gun scene. (Brie on the monitor) 

So, Brie had to smash the windows of an audie. yea.
The aftermath. 

This was also a beautiful day. (When we can eat the prop food...cupcakes, yumm)

Fun last day. Paaartaaay.

Cat Power

View from the back porch (I liked the bridge)

(View Again)

Naughty or Nice

Christmas Movie!!

Book of Esther

Stage

Slate. (I was second AC A few days, it was a lot of fun)

Set

Aaron had to be a nobelsmen. hahah that hat.

Sara and I where they did the still photos

Could've been a model ;) 

Trash Talk

Interviews

Very crazy day. Cool though.

This is what I have been up to at work. the end. :)

A place to live, a place to work, and friends that made it happen

Well it has come to my attention that I hadn’t updated in a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any to update. As many of you know, I’ve been looking for housing for the past couple weeks because it just was not workin out in Sunland. Sara (a PA that I met while working on Short Term 12 and now a great friend of mine) told me her roommate was working in New Orleans and that I could probably stay at her place while I was looking for a new place to live. I am happy to report that I now have a place to unload my clothes again! ...and it is in the same room I’ve been staying in the past 13 days, haha. Turns out her roommate is still going to look for work outside of LA so she is going to sublease her room to me. Yay! 

Alright, got that out of the way. Anyway, I guess since my last update we have since wrapped Short Term 12...wait, did I ever even mention on here that I started this great movie called Short Term 12? Oh well, if you are my friend on Facebook (which you are) then you've heard me talk about it, haha. But seriously though, that was a really great experience and I was able to work with Aaron again and meet Sara so, that alone could make working the movie worth while ;) AND the little movies I am now working on until November 3rd, I get to be working with them again...well, sara will be leaving us the 18th but, at least we'll have her till then, haha. What we are working on right now are 2 of those Sunday School movies, the first being Queen Ester based on the book of Ester and the second being Daniel in the lions din...which will be filmed with real lions so, that should add some excitement to that shoot! haha. 

So I feel I talk about them enough that I should probably introduce my blog readers to Aaron and Sara. They are the best things that have happened to me since i've moved to LA. I first met Aaron my second week here (oh, on my birthday actually! haha) when I went to shadow Jared on Geography Club and then ended up working for 3 days there. Since then we have worked together on Ten Cent Pistol, Short Term 12, and now these two movies. Just to save time, we like and dislike the same foods and he loves to travel so, i'm pretty sure he's my soul mate. ;) aaaand me, him, and his friend (and now my friend) Edwin are going to San Francisco next weekend!! woo hoo! i'm pumped. So anyway, that is Aaron and I already mentioned I met Sara on Short Term 12 so, now you know my 3 closest peeps here in LA. (The third being Edwin who I bonded with on July 4th over the both of us being socially awkward in the very same situation we were in at the time.) 

And now it's time to unpack and organize my belongings a bit...and tryyy to go to bed at a reasonable time since my call time is 6am after all... -__-

The funny thing is, neither have you

I came across this picture tonight and that is just like me. Although I don't believe the people sitting next to me on purpose wishing i'd talk to them is applicable to me, a lot of this is. I have somewhat recently come to the realization that maybe i'm not the best at meeting new people because I, for some reason or another, am convinced that almost no matter who I meet, they don't like me or might think i'm annoying. I most of the time pride myself on the fact that I really don't care what people think about me, but when I stop and think about it...it looks like I actually do. Almost any instance when I would be thrown into a situation with a big group of people that I don't know, I can tell you I would be over in the corner by myself not talking to a single sole. Why? Well...I don't really know. It is true I like to keep to myself and I hate bugging people, so I figure it is just easier to not try to initiate conversation. Maybe i'm afraid of rejection? I really don't know. Maybe i'm not just a huge fan of humans to begin with, haha. But anyway, reading this made me realize I really need to start working on this aspect of myself. When I read "don't go around thinking nobody likes you and that you're not loved" I knew that is exactly what I need to start doing. Why do I always assume people don't like me? I mean, is there something so wrong or annoying with me that upon first meeting I would be so dislikable? I would hope not, but then again, who knows with people these days. Anyway, it is getting late compared to when I have to be at work, so I should call this rant to its end, but I felt like sharing, if even getting it out somewhere just for myself. Amy, not EVERYONE hates you. You are a great person and whoever you meet is lucky to get to know you. Don't always assume the worst and give people the chance to get to know you. (The advice from myself I should probably listen to...although knowing me, I won't, haha) 

Hellooo September!

Coming on here I just realized my last update was exactly a month ago today. Oops. All I can say is, i've been busy.

I guess at the beginning of August I was still working on the independent feature Ten Cent Pistol, which i'm sure you've read about. From there I worked a few days on The Voice helping out with the auditions and that was super fun! After that I helped out on a couple days on another indie feature, but that was rather sketchy, had a way smaller budget than the other indie's I had worked on and come to find out, they never ended up sending me a call sheet for the rest of the shoot (which I am A-OK with since they never even paid me for the 2 days that I did work, when they said they would.) Anyway, so when I thought I had 2 days off from that shoot (come to find out, they weren't days off, I just stopped working with them, haha) I was helping out on a thesis film for a grad student at USC. The first day we were filming about an hour into the Angeles National Forest and it was super pretty and a lot of fun. After realizing I wasn't going back on the other movie, I worked as long as I could on the thesis where we went camping out in the San Bernardino National forest...it was so much fun and the rest of the crew was great, so it was really a blessing that the other movie was a flake cause then I would've missed out on this fun camping adventure. For those that were wondering, it actually is a short. It was based on a true story of a gay couple that was camping in the woods when two guys that were also out in the woods shot at both of them and ended up killing one of them. Now I know everyone has different beliefs and trust me I am ok with that, but when we have come to the point in society when the amount of hate in the world is accepted and people go around bragging about it, posting pictures of the long lines at Chick-fil-A and furthering the disgusted attitude toward a group of people and harboring intolerance  it's enough to make me a little concerned when I go out on hiking trips myself. So did you ever hear about this story of two women going for a camping trip and one returning dead? Me either, because everyone was too busy in line at Chick-fil-A, scoffing at the gays and clapping for the gunman eliminating the sinners.

Rant over.

Anyway, so I ended up leaving the camping trip a day early and the shoot a couple days early to work on another short entitled Cat Power. It was a short written by a husband and wife who are industry professionals. The wife is an editor and the husband is a director and the crew in general was great. A lot of the crew I ended up working with were also industry professionals so I was able to make a few really good connections with people that said they would work with me again and send out my resume to their network. It was great fun. So I ended up leaving a day early on that as well to work on a web series pilot entitled Flare, about the world after the light is completely gone. I saw where the first AD from the movie I very first helped with when I got here (Geography Club) was looking for PA's, so I messaged him and be brought me along! Seeing as it is set in a world with no light, all our locations were deserted areas and we had 2 overnight shoots. The concept of this web series is pretty cool. They shot a bunch of behind the scenes, (of which I helped out with the behind the scenes interviews) and with as many as 8 cameras. At some point of the episode they are going to have split screen videos going and then e-mail you another video to be watching at the same time and then a separate video that can be playing on your phone of a different angel or viewpoint at the same time. Anyway, it sounds cool so I am pretty excited to see the finished product.

So anyway folks, that is what I was up to for the month of August. I don't think I was even planning on writing my whole entire August schedule when I came on here but, looks like that just happened and that is long enough so, i'll save any other topics for next time. Dang, I can't believe it is already September, where in the world has the time gone?! Oh yea, I guess I know...

"Always be nice to PAs, they'll be your boss one day"

It always makes me kind of uncomfortable when I have to talk about myself in a certain light, so I try not to make posts about this kind of stuff, but I thought this was a pretty cool complement so it goes for sharing. Yesterday at lunch I was eating with the transpo guy and the second AD and he was asking me what I wanted to do. I told him I wasn't 100% sure yet, I thought maybe I would take the AD route which is looking more and more plausible. He told me that whatever I end up deciding on I will be successful (after telling me earlier that week I have been doing "a hell of a job.") So anyway, the script supervisor was also sitting to my right and I guess she overheard our conversation so she jumped in and was saying all of this stuff about me that she had noticed. How I worked and how perceptive I was with everything that was going on around me. I was really flattered with all of the nice things she was saying, that I was going to go far in this business. A little later after lunch I was in video village (the area of set where all of the monitors and directors chairs are set up) and she told me she was talking with Michael (the director) that I was someone to watch and that I would be in charge of all of them in 5 years. I told her, well I don't know about that. And she was like, yea, i'm serious. I said if you want it hard enough and are willing to work hard for it. She agreed and said I still fit the bill. After being PA of the day on Friday, having Joe tell me on Sunday or one of the days how good I was doing and then after my conversations yesterday, it makes me feel really good that other people in the industry believe in me and are noticing the hard work and dedication I put into this. I don't have all the experience in the world, but when I am on set I want people to know they can count on me and for them to want to have me work with them. In this industry the hours are crazy and the some of the job duties are odd and monotonous, but I would really not want to be working anywhere else. I finally feel like this is exactly where i'm supposed to be.

My (and other's) view of the Church

I was driving home from work tonight when a Hillsong song came on and it got me thinking about a subject that i have been somewhat struggling with in the past few years, and that is the church. As anyone that is reading this knows, I grew up in the church as did anyone I ever knew, really. I am very blessed to have been born into the family I was and grow up learning Christ's love for me, but after so many years spent in church, you start making observations, get to know people in the church- how they act, treat people, and voice their opinions, and it kind of dulled it for me. I kind of grew this little resentment toward the church...or maybe just some Christians in general, but all the while still attending church services and keeping my faith. It wasn't my problem with God I was having (although now that I mention it, I can't entirely say that I didn't grow a little resentment and begrudging attitude towards Him) but it was most of the time aimed towards Christians. It was during this time that I could really see how hypocritical Christians and the church can be. Almost no one judges you more, I feel, than the high and righteous at church. I know a lot of people (Christians and church goers) say and make themselves believe that all are welcome in church, but some of the views expressed, words they say, and actions they have sometimes don't line up. They will repeat over and over again in church how the lost need to be loved- saved and invite them to church. But as soon as they walk out of church (and really still while they are in church) they are judging the very people they are trying to save. Why in the world would the lost even want to believe a group of people that is constantly looking down on them and judging them, while all the while many christians live almost identical lives. Now that the internet has basically created another world, it is now easier than ever to connect with each other, discover new things, broaden your reading and news articles. My point being, I am not the only one that feels this way. People want to know how to grow the family of Christ? Stop being selfish. Stop judging. Stop thinking you are God to decide what is right and wrong. And just love. Listen. And let God do the rest. Stop pushing God on them. If God wants them to join the party, trust me he has this under control. It is not the churches job to change someone's life, that is what God does. So why don't we just get out of the freaking way and stop being blinders from God. I have seen a number of people post a quote that goes something like, 'it is not God (or Jesus) I have a problem with, it is his followers' And many other variations of the same point. I feel like if we just calmed down and acted nice, showing love to others, people would catch on and then be a little more interested in supporting the God we follow, because at this point folks, the outside world doesn't have a great view looking in. They have no desire to join. All they see are hypocritical, judgmental, people who wake up earlier on Sunday and look down on groups that aren't perfect. I guess I may just be venting at this point, because the sad part about it is, I would have to agree. I get exactly where all the people are coming from and I see it. Yet I also know that my most valued times have been with God and spent in the company of some of my fine Christian brothers and sisters, so it is hard for me. The one thing I missed most leaving Nashville was my church I attended there, Cross Point. Unbelievable things happen there (there being church, in general) and through some great people...but until we as a whole can get past the prejudice the rest of the world see's, they will never get to experience those times, and that makes me just as sad, because I know it isn't as bad a place as they make it out out to be. Anyway, I should have gone to sleep a while ago as I have been lacking in the sleep department with my long hours. (Had a 17.6 hour work day yesterday, got up at 6:45 to do it all again today) But this is just something that has been a battle for me for a while now so I thought I would share. Just remember, the next time you see someone who looks, acts, and believes something different than you, they too will be judging your reaction and will either hinder or lighten a grudge they might be carrying.

If you're happy and you know it

I've been meaning to write this update for a few days now, but have been rather busy so lacked the time. Driving home from work the other day (at 2 in the morning) I was just filled with joy. Yea I was a little tired from working a 13 or so hour day, but I was happy. Then it got me thinking, that wasn't the first car ride back from work where I am singing along loudly to the music with a big smile on face, just because. You see, so far in my life (or for at least the past few years) I have been rather prone to slipping into mini depressions every now and again. Nothing too serious, just some sad spells that I would assume everyone goes through...just being lonely and wishing I had my life more figured out. But with that being said, I can honestly say that I haven't felt any of that sadness since moving to LA. I don't think I realized it until the other night, (and maybe i've been too busy to think about it) but those nights where I used to listen to rather sad music and wish my life was different, dreaming of and picturing something different than what I had been living. Not to say that i've had a bad life, cause its really been great and I really am a blessed person but...these things (thoughts) happen. Well anyway, I feel that i'm finally content with life. No nights of mine have been spent day dreaming of another life (and again, mainly because the past few have been spent working on set, haha) or feeling bad about the one i'm living.

Since the 9th of this month i've been fortunate enough to be able to work on a movie, working 12-14 hour days and i'm loving it. Our work week so far has been Friday-Tuesday and last week during my break on Thursday I was already getting antsy, ready to be back working somewhere. I've had today and will have tomorrow off then i'm working again on Friday...the movie still films from Saturday-Tuesday, but I was only cleared to work on Friday, however I have worked the last 7 days of the movie, so hopefully if they are needing PA's anymore of those days, I can still work. Luckily enough, I spoke with another AD (assistant director) today who I forgot I told I would help out on stuff this weekend, so if the movie doesn't need me, I can help out on this other project. Anyway, needless to say, i've been staying busy and so grateful for it! I'm finally feeling really positive with my outlook on life. I've been able to meet a bunch of very nice people, making friends in the process and over all enjoying not only the film industry but southern california as a whole. I feel like as soon as I drove into LA and saw the mountains, it already felt like home. So here's to staying happy, busy, working, meeting more people and making new friends! Life. Is. Good.

The sets and people i've encountered

Well, i've been out in LA for about a month now and been able to be on a handful of sets. While thinking about the sets i've been able to help on and the people and actors i've been around, I thought it would be a great idea to write down some of the various sets i've been on and some of the actors involved, just for future reference and such. I thought my blog would be the perfect place for such documentation. So here we go:

Worked on:

Ten Cent Pistol- Independent Feature
     Jena Malone (Catching Fire)
     Joe Mantegna
     JT Alexander
     Elaine Kegan

Killing Vivian- Short Film
     Missi Pyle (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, The Artist)
     Jason George (Grey's Anatomy, Off The Map)
     Paul Witten

Guinness World Records Gone Wild- truTV (Audience member, not crew)

     Host- Dan Cortese (What I Like About You, Melrose Place)

Geography Club- Independent Feature
     Nikki Blonsky (Hairspray)
     Alex Newell (Glee)
     Cameron Dean Stewart
     Justin Deeley (90210)
     Ally Maki (10 Things I Hate About You, Step Up 3D)
     Dexter Darden

Get Your Luv On- Web Series
     Dyan Cannon

Shadowed On Set:

The Exes- TV Land Show
     Wayne Knight (Seinfeld, 3rd Rock From The Sun)
     Donald Faison (Scrubs, Clueless)
     Kristin Johnston (3rd Rock From The Sun)
     David Alan Basche (The Starter Wife, Three Sisters)

You Can Follow the Leader or Use Your Voice

She's holding a torch in her hand
Pointing towards Heaven
And on the streets below her, people living out of trash cans
Are trying to believe she's got a plan

We dug a hole under the sea
But nobody knows how to stop the bleed
There's 999 channels on my TV
And I still have no idea what to believe

But there is a choice
Follow the leader
Or use your voice
Cause this will just keep up
Until we make a loud noise
And the hidden ones speak up

Over the water to the east
Two million in a square refuse to sleep
Till every pleading voice is heard
And all the world has seen
Revolution pull a king down to his knees

Cause they made a choice
Not to follow the leader
But use one voice
Shows ordinary people
Can make a really loud noise
When the hidden ones speak up

He started drinking too young
Tucked into his jeans now is a gun
And the stories of his ancestors
They will never be sung
For he is going where they do not see the sun

Oh look, there's a circus in town
Watch as the lion eats the clown
Tell me who out there is leading on the ground?
Who will catch the boy before he drowns?
If they're busy putting shows on for the crowd?

There is a choice
You can follow the leader
Or use your voice
Cause this will just keep up
Until we make a loud noise
And the hidden ones speak up


I had posted this song and a few lyrics on Facebook a little while ago when I was originally listening to Missy's album after it was released in Australia (and subsequently posted on youtube). I heard this song and immediately fell in love. Knowing that her album wasn't available in the US until July 17th, I held back and didn't really listen to any of the songs off her album anymore as to leave something to be desired when her album actually came out here in the states. Yesterday I was bored and thought I should give her album another listen when I got reacquainted with this song. Every time I listen to it I just love it more and more. I think the lyrics are just great...and empowering, and makes me want to get up and make a difference somewhere. A lot of people tend to keep silent on some issues or topics, even if they want to help, because they (me) might not think just one voice would have any impact...but it does. When a whole group of people change these mindsets of thinking one voice won't matter, it then becomes a group standing up for what they believe in, or change, or whatever have you. I love all of these lyrics but I especially like the verse concluded in 'revolution pull a king down to his knees.' When enough people believe in something and don't stand silent, it is impossible to go unseen...everyday normal people have the power to pull kings down to their knees. That's what revolutions do, all when people make the choice to finally not leave issues up to other people to take care of. Sometimes you have to be the solution to a problem, not just watch silently from afar. It's good to have leaders but it's also good to question who you follow and find your own voice. Stand up for what you believe in, make changes you think should be made, leave this world knowing you made your stance on something and to make it a little better of a place. These are the people that shape the future and change the world. Now I just hope i'm able to find and share my voice. I'm ready for a revolution.

My longer than normal update (LA has been good to me)

I know its been a while since I've posted.  I've already been in LA for 4 weeks now (man does time fly) and i've been meaning to update about my experience but 1, i've actually been able to stay relatively busy, and 2, i'm lazy. So I guess we can do a quick catch up, even though I feel if we are friends on Facebook, you've got the basic gist. Actually, why not, we can start from the beginning of this journey...(I have no idea how the rest of this is going to go)

So I guess about a month ago I set out for LA. I had left Florida but not yet arrived in LA. My mom and I had stops in Lafayette, LA (good time), San Antonio, Tucson, and was able to stay with Wade and Beth in San Diego. It was a nice drive over and after a few pain staking days of searching I came up with a great room in a lovely lady's home.

The first week I was here I was able to tour around the CBS lot, go backstage and hang out on set of a TV Land show called the exes. I had met a guy online via a site called Couchsurfing.org who works as an accountant on the show so after meeting with a PA he hooked me up with, we toured the lot and met people, and watched the show. It was a great time. Later that week I was able to help out on a web series hosted by Dyan Cannon where she mentors kids who want to be professional dancers, actors, singers, all of the above. I was able to meet a handful of great people who worked on the crew and that was a pretty good experience as well.

Another great opportunity I was able to have was meeting up with a guy who I had e-mailed quite a while ago and talked to on the phone before moving out who works in the business as a PA for union gigs and is assistant directing for non-union projects to get into the DGA. He had asked if I wanted to come visit set where he was the second second (assistant director). I came out for a day, was able to meet him for the first time as well as a handful of the other crew on the show who were all very nice. His name is Jared, for future reference.

I guess next in my "work" timeline was helping build a set for a USC Grad students film thesis. One of the guys that I met at the web series was helping out so he texted me to see if I might want to help out as well. I ended up going for the day, helped put up some walls and then made some fake wood flooring. Everyone there was really nice and it was a good time.

Another project/person i've been meeting up with at this point is a producer/writer/director named David. I got in contact with him after meeting a friend of his in Ocala when I was getting my oil changed right before leaving. David is producing a movie soon so I have been meeting up with him to discuss the business, get more familiar with the area, and learn more about the movie so I can help out in some capacity.

Moving along my timeline, I got a text from Jared (remember, second second) asking if I would like to come help out on set. I of course thought it would be great experience so I obviously jumped on the chance. One of the PA's (Allie) was in charge of another unit that day, so I was going to step in and help out where needed while she was off helping with a photo shoot. The day went by great, I was able to learn a lot of things and grateful for my chance to be around a set again.

At this point I hadn't gone on any hikes yet, but had seen the beautiful scenery and heard the hiking was good, so I set out on some hiking adventures of my own. The Angeles Forest is only about 10 minutes away from me and one day when I was out driving around getting familiar with the area I came across a hiking sign, so I saved it on my GPS and that was my hiking spot for the day. I ended up going on a beautiful hike where I later got lost but, that's a different story for another point in time, haha. Now, trying to work out my timeline and I did go to Griffith Park to the observatory and hiked up to the Hollywood sign before this so, we'll just add that in there.

After my hiking adventures I got another text from Jared asking if I would like to come help again. I went in and helped out on Friday and again on Saturday night-Sunday morning, which was their last day of filming. I ended up helping PA for 3 days of the movie and observed for 1 day and even after that time I already felt almost like part of the crew. I was able to talk and work with another PA, Aaron who is a really nice guy (also known on set as little Aaron), Anthony, Ira, Big Aaron, (As previously mentioned:) Jared and Allie, and more of the crew who I could list but I guess I would just be rolling off names, but trust me they were all very nice. Sunday night was the wrap party for this and I at first was not going to go since I would feel bad, not really being part of the crew, but Anthony, Big Aaron and Ira were talking to me Sunday morning before I left the shoot and said I should go...so I did. And i'm really glad I did. I was able to hang out more with some of the crew, meet some of the cast and even meet some new people like a friend of Jared's (Michael) who is very nice and i'm glad I met.

I feel like this is getting way too long that people won't even want to read it so I don't even want to go into much more, but then there is Teresa who is friends with a friend back home i've been able to meet up with and hike with who is very nice, I was a paid audience member for a Guinness World record show for TruTV, I was able to celebrate the fourth atop a mountain hanging out with Aaron, his friend (and my new friend) Edwin, Jared, his wife and daughter, Allie, and a whole bunch of strangers, haha. But I guess I could just wrap it up by saying its been a lot of fun. I really didn't have all too many expectations or really know what to think coming out here, not knowing anyone. Before leaving everyone was a bit dumbfounded I was coming out here not knowing anyone (and even telling the people i've meet here are too, haha) but i'm so lucky that i've been able to meet the people that I have and been able to have all these experiences so far. There is even a lot more that I haven't even mentioned, but I guess we can save that for a later date (like for example talking for a minute about how awesome Ophelia and Ken are (two of the people who I live with)) Anyway, it is getting rather late and I feel i've written a novel, so I shall conclude my little entry now, but I guess now you know a little bit more what in the world i've been up to here...and i'm loving it!

I have to just be me

Feeling in a weird mood tonight. I haven't blogged in a while and needed to vent a bit, so I thought I could come on here and post a quote that is relatable that I got reacquainted with tonight. "I want you to know me, who I really am.

 I've tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside but everyday just feels like a war. That I walk around so mad at the world but i'm really just fighting with myself…i don't want to fight anymore. i'm just too tired. I have to just be me."

 This whole quote and the whole scene it goes with...it kills me.

 "Everyone has secrets, they are called secrets for a reason."

 I know I should stop typing now, even though it is doubtful that anyone will read this, but it's hard. No one wants to go around living a lie, hiding what you feel to try to not upset and let down other people. People grow up and find themselves. Realize what makes them happy, what makes them want to get up in the morning and excited about something. My question is, what is the point where you sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of your loved ones? What if what makes you smile also makes your family frown? These situations are mostly lose/lose and what have caused many depressing nights when the thought won't wonder from my mind.

 Anyway, just food for thought for the night.

Slow and Steady

Well, after either publishing or uploading this video pretty much all day, the documentary is now up live on youtube. I can't even believe I am even posting this on here....well, one because it can be awfully boring with my face just talking to the camera for a majority of it. And then also because well...it is just embarrassing, for me. I have watched this video and clips of it so much (and vow to never watch it again) that I almost forget what all I edited out, but now that it is done and out there, the thought of people watching it kinda makes me feel vulnerable. I mean, I know it is really long (41 minutes to be exact) so you will either have to be really bored or be really curious enough about my life/semester to sit through the whole thing. But I guess in the art of it all I forgot I was going to let people watch it...to have them hear and see what I was up to...and some of those times it was really pathetic. Either way, it is done and finished and you can watch it if you like. It is nothing special so I won't take it personally if you skip around or don't watch it all. haha. :) Anyway, I present to you, Slow and Steady:

Update: So I am just now actually watching part of this video and apparently youtube or someone has messed with the video like, zooming in at random times and making all the words on the bottom jump around and act weird so, uh...that wasn't me, not sure what in the world is up with that. :/

Lately i'm not who i'm supposed to be...

Well, i've always loved The Dirty Guv'nahs and this song. I've had another favorite song (The Country) but lately i've really been enjoying this one. I remember hearing it last week on my way to interning and thought I should make a post about it. I can pretty much relate to almost all the lyrics...so i'll just let the song do the rest of the talking.

 
 (Lyrics in video)

No Comment

So, there is a topic that I have kinda wanted to write about on a few occasions now, but like Kelly Ann said, the internet isn't the place to discuss personal matters (although this blog is basically just that.) I know this will just be a pointless post since I will indeed not be writing on a topic, but i'm sure some sort of breakdown is impending....and I will write about this matter eventually. In the mean time, i'm really looking forward to hanging out with annie for a little while once I am done with school!

This is what I wanna dooooo!

I am writing amidst my film fest high right now!! I just got done working the film fest tonight and it was such a good time!! I only worked as an usher (collecting tickets, handing out ballots, and whatnot) but it was such a fun night! There were 2 of us manning each door right across from another door and it just so happened where the staff were set up was also right next to our doors, so with the four of us at the doors all night and staff randomly jumping in, it made for well a conversed shift! It was so awesome to be around a group of people that love film as much as I do! Not only the people I was talking with but everyone attending. Everyone loved and appreciated film and being able to see the actual directors from the movies there and introducing the films it was just exciting...not to mention some of the actors as well. I specifically talked to another girl (who is also graduating from Belmont in 2 weeks) across from me for a while tonight about how awesome it would be to work on a movie and how now is the time to at least try succeed. Not only her, but the other guy across from me, and a random guy who actually worked on one of the films jumping in the conversation in encouragement of me working on a film as a PA...even a feature film. It encourages me a lot when especially people in the business are encouraging like that, which has happened at least a couple times recently. For example I haven't mentioned this anywhere but I met up with one of the location scouts for the "nashville" pilot that filmed here in Nashville for a little while and she was way encouraging! As well as another girl from the art department who also worked on the pilot (and graduated from Belmont.) Not only am I encouraged when people in the biz encourage me, but when I can help and encourage others. On two separate occasions today I had people ask me how I did it...had all the information I did and the contacts I had already made. It made me feel like I was already a step ahead in the business that people were now asking me for advice. It was kinda cool. But anyway, now I am just about to go on a website the box office gave me to see if I can get some more free tickets for the festival! But I just wanted to come on here and get out all my excitement! Can't wait to continue this journey into the film world!

I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall

Earlier this week I bought a new album from the band Of Monsters and Men. I had only really heard one of their songs (Little Talks) but I really liked the sound so I previewed their album on iTunes and quickly made a purchase. One song, however, was giving me trouble when i tried to download it. It said file corrupt. I had to go a few days with this song in limbo, but eventually I had someone else download it on their computer and just e-mail me the song. Turns out, this song is now my new favorite. I really love this whole album. The sound is just great. Some of the lyrics are really artistic and the meaning can get lost for me with the awesome sound and my dimwittedness, but this song in particular has great lyrics as well as the great sound that I cherish in all their songs, so I figured it would be appropriate to post on here (since, after all, lyrics are heavily featured on all my music posts) So anyway, if you feel so obliged, I would definitely at least go preview their album on iTunes because it is great. But for now I will leave you with this gem, called Slow and Steady. And my new favorite.



the lights go out, i am all alone
all the trees outside are buried in the snow
i spend my night dancing with my own shadow
and it holds me and it never lets me go
i move slow and steady but i feel like a waterfall
yea i move slow and steady past the ones that i used to know
my dear old friend, take me for a spin
two wolves in the dark running in the wind
i’m letting go But i’ve never felt Better
passing By all the monsters in my head
and i move slow and steady But i feel like a waterfall
yea i move slow and steady past the ones that i used to know
and i’m never ready cause i know, i know, i know that time won’t let me show what i want to show
and i move slow and steady but i feel like a waterfall
yea i move slow and steady past the ones that i used to know
and i’m never ready cause i know, i know, i know that time won’t let me show what i want to show

The odds of being alone...

I just discovered this song today when I was on iTunes previewing the Of Monsters and Men album (which, by the way, is really great) I'm not exactly sure how I came about it, it might have been in my recommended section, but I have already listened to it multiple times today. I always go through this thing when listening to songs; the very first time I hear a song it is basically just background music, then if I like it I sit down and actually listen to it. I bought the song because I knew I already liked Trent Dabbs and Amy Stroup and the song title drew me in. The more I listened to the song the more I have grown to love it. The feel, the sound, the lyrics. It mellows me out. Not even taking any other part of the lyrics into consideration, there is just something about the chorus, "wouldn't you like to know, the odds of being alone" that sounds so honest and pure that I can connect with. I have spent much of my time these past few years being alone, which i'm ok with and quite enjoy, but I often times wonder my odds of being alone for the rest of my life. And not in just a relationship since, but with friends too. I mean given my situation, i've basically come to terms with the fact that i'm just gonna be single forever, so that's unfortunate, but how alone AM I going to be? What ARE my odds? I kinda WOULD like to know. But, I guess that's life and if we knew the answers it just wouldn't be any fun. I have faith though that everything happens for a reason and alone or not, i'm excited for this next chapter in my life.

Lyrics:
Watching your world spin
Feel farther from it now
With nowhere to begin how are you to figure it out

Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Yeah
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone
Alone
The odds of being alone
Alone

Learning goodbyes
It's never easy love
The harder we try can never be enough

Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Yeah
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone
Alone
The odds of being alone
Alone

I need answers now 'cause I am caught off guard
The quiet feels so loud
Tell me this is the hardest part
Tell me this is the hardest part

Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know

Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know

Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know
Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone
Alone
The odds of being alone
Alone
The odds of being alone

Know that you can then you will, get to the top of the hill

I remember the first time I ever heard this song. I was actually in Canada this summer...I think in some restaurant and of course I got so excited because I could've sworn it was Shania Twain. Turns out, it was and when I got a chance to actually listen to all the lyrics, I liked it even more. Every time I heard this song I would remind myself that I wanted to feature this on my blog here...and today is the day. There have been (many) times throughout the past couple months when I've felt scared, defeated, and uncertain about my future...today was one of those days. Every time I hear this song, it makes me feel better and encourages me to not get down and keep plugging away. Fortunately, this song came up on my walk back from class, and I think it was just a sign...or a great reminder, if you will, that things in life are gonna be hard, but if you have something you wanna do, go out and do it!!

I messaged one of the production assistants from The Hunger Games a couple days ago, asking how he got his start in the business and any advice, and then I e-mailed the script supervisor as well. Turns out...today really is my day. I woke up to a reply from the script supervisor who had a lot of helpful things to say and told me to keep in touch monthly. I just got back from my last class and I get an e-mailing saying I got a message back on that film page where I messaged that production assistant...he responded that he would love to talk to me and might even be able to get me a job and to call him. Well, I just got off the phone with him and he seemed nice and eager to talk on the phone, however he was still on set and I told him he could call me back at his convenience (he said he would be on set for another 4 hours or so.) So anyway, although out of nowhere today I kinda got this huge "oh great, nothing is going to work out" feeling, I am encouraged after just once phone call...where nothing even really happened. So from now on, if I ever start to feel defeated again (which I know will happen a lot sooner than later) I will just turn this song on and remember that things do turn around. Don't quit. Part of the fun IS the climb. This is one rather untraditional path i've wanted to follow, so i'm gonna just gonna go out there and give it all I got. Do the best I can and have fun doing it.



You got what it takes you can win,
Today is your day to begin.
Don't give up here, don't you quit.
The moment is now, this is it
Know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind

That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way
Today (you can do it)
Today (c'mon c'mon)
Today (c'mon do it)
Today

When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you're down

But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way
Today (c'mon do it now)
Today
Today
Today

mmmm life's gonna kick you, its gonna kick you around, its gonna kick you down

Brush yourself off no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best (give it your best)

Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's goin' your way

Today
Today ( I said today is your day)
Today
Today
I said today
Today
Today is your day mmmmm

Movie Sets, COBA KATs and Realizations

This is one blog post that i've wanted to write since the day I got back from my first day of shooting the movie i'm helping with. Time wasn't in my favor, spring break intervened, but tonight after taking the coba kat, it reminded me of how much I now truly despise business and would love to be elsewhere...like back on set.

My first day on set was a week from last Saturday...so the third. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect since I hadn't really been on a movie set before, but I was very excited to find out. We have now already finished our second weekend of shooting and thankfully the experience hasn't let me down or not met up to my expectations...or hopeful expectations at least. Anyway, some of you might be wondering what it is that I exactly do on set, well I will tell you. My official title is PA, production assistant. I guess it really varies on which production and who you are working for as to what you do, but basically, whatever anyone on production needs you to do. I will start off with day one and kind of just run through some of my tasks as of yet: making sure props are on set and with the correct actors, for 2 of the 3 locations we were shooting in the first day I had to jump in as an extra, make sure the actors are either on set or notified to be on set, being an actor stand in while the cameras are setting up the scene with camera placement and lighting, in charge of the slate ((See picture above) I keep track of which scene/take we are doing and writing it on the little board that I hold in front of the camera before the scene is shot), holding up the lighting board for outside scenes (to reflect more sunlight on the actors for better lighting), and just whatever anyone else needs in general. I know this might sound like an odd job aspiration for some people, but I am honestly loving it. (And when I say job aspiration, this would just be entry level, post-graduation, most feasible job i'm looking for.) It's true there are long hours and the long running joke on film sets is "ready, set, wait" since there is a lot of sitting around and waiting, but I really don't mind. To be honest I quite like the long hours. I know it is mainly because of the company I keep during these long hours, so I am fortunate I like everyone else helping out with the movie. Both the crew and the cast have great attitudes and work ethics and we actually have been working ahead of schedule most days, which is always nice. I really hate to go back to Glee here because i'm sure you are sick of me mentioning it, but it just popped in my head. On the pilot episode Rachel told/asked her teacher, "Being part of something special making you special, right?" And I kind of feel that. I like the feeling again of being part of a team, working with other people to produce this project that we can be proud of, that we know took time and attention, but together we made it happen. I think I will always remember one day after lunch I was sitting in the classroom and Tommy, the director of photography, and Eric, the other camera guy walked out of the room and I was still just sitting at the table listening in on another conversation and Tommy asks if I was coming...I didn't know that he wanted me to, and he said yeah, we're a team now! So Tommy, Eric and I went outside to set up the scene and it is just little things like that that make me want to do this so badly. After that first weekend I knew for sure that this was what I wanted to do. Leaving set, although yeah, I was a little tired, but I was happy. I had a day full of laughing, feeling somewhat productive, being a part of creating this movie, and just hanging out with fun people. I actually couldn't believe some people did this for a living. Now, I know you can't really make a living off being a PA because since they are at the bottom of the totem poll on any film set, they don't get paid great, but i'm ok with that and I am also ok with getting by with very little and even picking up a part-time job to keep it going. Well, I was going to mention the COBA KAT tonight and my business classes and how I honestly could care less, but given the fact of what I have just written about my experience on set so far, I guess it all could go without saying. I know this whole business thing has been something I've been feeling for a while now, so it is not new, but it just makes me more and more thankful with every class and test I take that I was able to find and latch onto something that I truly care and am passionate about. Whenever I had to sit through those finance, marketing, and now strategic management classes almost all I could really think about was, I honestly didn't care. I had/have no interest in finance and I don't think I could even tell you what in the world was on that COBA KAT I just took. I can't. I just can't get into business. But what I can is film, and i'm so glad it finally made its way to me. I can't wait again still filming again on Saturday, but then again, the sooner and more we film the sooner it will be done! ...hmm, maybe someone is making something in April I can out with! :)

Fix Me Jesus

I just recently saw the movie Joyful Noise. It was pretty much the protestant version of Sister Act. Seeing as my favorite movies (Sister Act 2, Sister Act) and one of my favorite tv shows (Glee) are choir based, i figured I might like it. (Also because it stars Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah and honestly, who in the world doesn't like them?) So anyway, I saw it Friday night and not surprisingly, I loved it. I loved pretty much all the songs they sang, but I thought this song was particularly beautiful...and especially with Ms. Latifah's vocals. It is such a simple lyric, but a powerful one that I can connect to. Fix me Jesus, fix me.



Fix me Jesus, fix me
Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Fix me for my home on high
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for the by and by
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Fix me for my starry crown
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for a higher ground
Fix me Jesus, fix me

Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
(Fix me Jesus)
Oh fix me

Well this road i'm on's gonna turn to sand...

I really like Peter Bradley Adams. There is another song of his that I want to post, but I think this is a safer choice; maybe i'll post his other one one of these days. Anyway, there are a few that are just so relatable, like this one for example. It's called The Longer I Run, and i'll just let the song do the talking, you don't need an explanation.

When that blood runs warm with the warm red wine
I miss the life that I left behind
And when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry
I know I left in the nick of time

Well this road I'm on's gonna turn to sand
And leave me lost in a far-off land
So let me ride the wind 'till I don't look back
And forget the life that I almost had

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man that I used to be
But if my saviour comes could you let him know
I've gone away for to save my soul

If I wander 'till I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
And if my home I'll never find
Then let me live again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

The longer I run then the less that I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes
And losing again

losing again

the longer I run

losing again

losing again

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

I used to use this blog to post different songs that I had been enjoying that day, week, month, whichever, however I haven't done that yet this school year, but I would like to get back to doing that. I bought this song a few weeks ago because I enjoyed it a lot and I just recently purchased the rest of her album and it is great. The artist I am talking about is Florence and the Machine and the song, "Shake It Out' I really enjoy this song and have been wanting to make a blog post about it ever since I heard it. So here it is, one of my current favorite songs:



Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

*favorite lyrics are in italics and bold ;)

How Fickle My Heart and How Woozy My Eyes

This is a blog post I meant to write about a couple weeks ago...at the peak of my depression/confusion about my future. As the theme with just about all my updates, this too has to do with post-graduation plans, but now probably more relevant than ever. My very last semester is officially underway, I literally only have 3 months of school left, and everything that comes with that came down on me like a pile of bricks a couple weeks ago. Yes, my future is always something that is in the forefront of my mind, but it hit in almost a whole new and different way a few days ago. Maybe it is just who I am, have a fickle heart, get bored easily or something, but my change of career options over the past year has officially caught up to me. I came to Nashville wanting to work in the music business and here I am 2 and a half years later and my mind has completely changed...and it terrifies me sometimes. After 3 semester's of interning in the music business, I finally made up my mind that it really wasn't what I had imagined it to be. I have invested so much of my time and (my parents/my) money into this thing, that I really didn't want to believe what was happening. Maybe I just had a bad experience interning and I shouldn't let it throw me off, but I think it did. Everyone I know that has a preference of where I should live all think I should stay in Nashville (if going back to Ocala wasn't an option) but when trying to digest all this, I came to the conclusion that I really don't want to work in the music business...not really.

The clarity that come over me about this subject the other day was almost rather frightening. Maybe it is because of this whole new side of the entertainment industry that I am being introduced to that intrigues me so much, but my interest is almost completely gone in working in the music business. Everyone thinks I should still stay in Nashville, but when I think about it I am at a complete loss as to what to do here. Nashville is a music town, and that is what I love about it. I love this city, I really do, and I have made numerous, wonderful memories here that I will cherish, but I honestly am not sure what I would do if I stayed here. I'm sure it's my fault and something is wrong with me and my constant want to be traveling or exploring and me trying to find my place, but I am terribly sorry to feel that my time in Nashville may just be up. As much as I love and adore this town, there is something inside of me that is just telling me it is time to move on. As much as I feel at home here and think it is perfect and beautiful, there is still something that feels missing when I am here...something that I have yet to find. I know I could stay here upon graduation and be relatively happy, but there is something in me telling me to go. I can't explain it and it almost makes me sad. It makes me sad because the place I am feeling drawn to is where I feel I need to start my next journey, but it isn't where anyone I know wants me. And of course this place I am talking about is California.

It seems the only person in my family that really supports the idea of me moving to sunny ole LA is Thomas, and I can't blame them. I'm not a big fan of me moving that far away from my family either, but there is just SOMETHING inside me that keeps me searching online for info about jobs and housing there more times than not. It is every time after watching a tv show or movie and thinking "I want to be a part of that. I don't know how and i don't know what, but I just want to." All my life i've been enthralled with tv and movie's more than the average...human. I've always loved film and being behind the camera. I remember once I had my drivers license and an operating camera, one of the first things I did (once we were both allowed) was I picked up Hannah and went on a photo spree at Shalom park. I was just getting into photography and I loved it. Once I got my own laptop and discovered Microsoft Movie Maker I wanted to take more pictures of all the trips I would go on just so I could make movie's out of the pictures I took. I made videos of romania trips, mountain trips, holidays, pictures of taylor swift and her life story and a montage of photo's for my mom for thanksgiving. One of my favorite things to do was just sit in my room and edit the pictures into film. I've always known I loved being behind a camera and this just continued with my love for photography and I carried it along with me to Nashville.

So now here I am the final semester of college and my perceptions have been altered. After a brief stint in wanting to do the music business thing, I just can't picture myself wanting to do anything other than being involved with film in some way. I love music, don't get me wrong, but there is just something about knowing there is a possibility that I could be a part of the creative side of film and bringing a show or movie to life for people that really excites me. Yes, I care WAY too much about most tv shows and that is not normal, but I get invested in these shows and I love them. There is a closeness that crew members can get to film that music business people i'm not sure get to have with the music they are promoting, or marketing, or pitching. With film, you get to be a part of the process. Watching it being made, helping. Not like in the music business where anything and everything you do has the purpose of money behind it. Yes tv shows and films are made to be profitable, but if you are part of the creating of the film, that is not something you have to be exposed to like if you are working in the music business, and that is something I think that draws me to film over music.

I thought I wanted to work in the music business because I am obsessed with music, and I mean obsessed. I believe there is such power in music and that it can speak for us and bring out emotions and feelings that we could never put into words or say ourselves. I'm not sure many things will be able to effect me on the level that music has. That was the reason I wanted to get into the music business. I knew music's power and importance in my life and our world, but music and the music business are completely different things; this is the thing i've learned. Although I still believe all these things to be true, I also feel my place with music might just be better as a consumer and music lover...not as someone who see's music as money and trying to figure out ways to make people pay for the stuff and having artists shape their image into someone that is marketable. I honestly don't really care about that stuff. What I really loved was the music itself. What I really wanted was to be a part of creating something that people can enjoy to escape reality for a minute. Once I took a minute to evaluate what I really wanted to do, I noticed it wasn't really in the music business at all but maybe back with what I originally envisioned myself possibly doing...working in film.

So I know this now has become a short novel, but I write this mainly for clarification for myself. My head has not been such a fun place to be these past couple weeks with trying to figure out what exactly I want/need to do with my life after graduating, and I just needed a place to sort it out. I don't really share all too much what happens in my head with people of the outside world, so I needed somewhere to get this out. Not only to get it out but also help me figure out what exactly I was feeling and why. Trying to find the right words and feelings that I would be able to share with people that asked what I wanted to do, and why in the world I had changed my mind and why I couldn't do that in Nashville anymore; but I think after writing this novel I have figured it out. I know nothing is ever easy and actually the ONLY THING I have heard from people and read have been that what I really want to do will be hard, and is idiotic, and maybe even not what it is fantasized to be, but I guess I still foolishly believe that is where I want to be and what I want to be doing. All that being said, I have been writing this for a very long time...it is now 1:45am (not even sure when I started writing this, i'm sure over an hour ago) and I have my first strategic management test tomorrow. (Great timing on my writing this novel, i know, right? haha) So I guess I should probably finish studying for that. Anyway, in all  honesty I do not expect anyone to have read this or read this far because it was really for my own sanity, but if you have, I thank you for sticking with me and hearing me out. I hope that if you can't understand you at least see a little more where i'm coming from. (Although I really hope you feel me.) Anyway, thanks again.