As I understand it....

Sometimes, I feel a little lonely. And I can't really claim to be a lonely person all too often these days, because I have been able to meet so many people after moving to LA. At any given point in time I have a good amount of people I can text to occupy my time, but sometimes knowing that doesn't stop the loneliness from creeping in. I think it has to do with the depth of friendship as well with the people you encounter, text, and hang out with. I know there are a good amount of people who love me, I mean, mainly family, but recently more particularly....or rather kinda always I guess, their love can't fill this void and it agitates me when/if they think it can. I see so many people, especially now at my age, in loving relationships and freaking getting married and having kids. I mean, that's all good and well for them, but for people to want me to be content with love from my family my whole life is a little unfair. I am mainly writing this for myself to get it out, but if someone just happens to be reading this, can I offer to put you in my shoes for a minute. You are constantly surrounded by the images of love. Couples, engagements, marriages, dates, baby announcements. And there you sit. Always watching from the sidelines. Sometimes you try to stand up but no, the world keeps telling you to sit back down. You go to speak and try to stand up again but you are told that the love of your family and friends should be enough. Sure, you can watch everyone else enjoying their relationships, but you don't need that, YOU HAVE THE LOVE OF YOUR FAMILY FOR HEAVENS SAKE, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT ANYTHING MORE? You can put your own shoes back on now and go back to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. But why? Why do you have a companion to begin with? Is the love from your family and friends not good enough? Well of course it is good, and everyone needs that love. I don't know what I would do without it. But no, sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes we need a love different than our family and friends can give us. A love that will comfort you at the end of the day. To know that there is someone out there that cares about you, wants to hang out with you, smiles when you smile and cries when you cry. Someone to hold your hand in the good times and the bad. Someone to share your adventures and non-adventures with. To cozy up on the couch and keep you warm when it is cold. To share years and memories of all these times. I hear what you are saying. I have read into your comments. Because I am gay, I do not deserve to have these things. I shouldn't be able to feel the same things you feel and make the same memories you make. I should be content with the love of my friends and the love of my family. Amy stop being selfish. But the thing is. Sometimes I am. Sometimes when the nights are cold and lonely, your love isn't enough. Your love is too far away from me. Your love isn't the kind of love I can get by on for the rest of my life. You don't have to live that way so why should I? I know I am sounding needy at this point, but these are the thoughts that still sadden my nights when i'm left to an empty room and full computer screen. When all I see are happy couples and the thought that being my moms valentine on Valentines day is what my life is subject to.

Sorry to ramble, but that is what happens when i'm left with just me, my thoughts, and my loneliness on most nights. If you would like a perfect explanation in the form of a song, here it is. I have never heard this feeling been wrote about in such an honest and complete dead on way. And not just about love. But about all the thoughts that keep you up at night. Such an intriguing way to write it as well.